Big Ugly Man Doll

So there we have it, it’s Rapture day.  We’ve got about 2 hours (local time) until we can start looting our glorious brothers and sisters are called to their reward.  I’ve tallied up all the things that people wrote in that they’re Not Gonna Miss, and I wanted to share the results with you now…  (Not that it will matter soon.)

Not Gonna Miss

There were some overlaps with my list, of course:

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.
Number 6:  Natural Disasters.
Number 5:  Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4:  Organized religions.
Number 3:  Dieting.
Number 2:  Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity.
Number 1:  Watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year.

Thank all of you who posted with the things that you’re Not Gonna Miss as well!  It’s been delightful knowing you all, and I’m sure we’ll all have Great Fun once we’re caught up in a few hours.  Unless, you know, this becomes another damn Number 5 (above)…

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It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:   What is it with the farting?  Pull your finger???   

Answer:   Ohhhhh, why yes thank you.  Much better. 

Sometimes it’s the elephant under the chair.  The barking tree spiders.  The duck I stepped on.  Sometimes we just need to share what we had for lunch.  Or that six-pack we just had.  But yeah, we think it’s funny to toot the trouser tuba – mostly because we’re, ya know, about 8 years old.  Also remember, Men are from Mars, and you should smell the air there.   Cosby nailed this one: he used to say that Fathers were the only ones in the house allowed to have gas.  “Oh lord, what happened in here?”  We’re still riding that elephant 40 years later, and the kids still haven’t found him under my chair. 

In my house, it’s also used as incentive for the kids to keep their rooms clean or otherwise behave at bedtime.  “Do I need to leave you something to remember me by?”  “Nooooooooooo Daddy, no!  I’ll turn the light out!  Don’t blow the butt trumpet!”   Very useful, those air biscuits!

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!

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OK, this is it.  There’s nothing penultimate about this one.  Today is the last full day before the end of the world as we know it.  How do you feel?  Tell me, how do you feel?

Right, I thought so.  I’ve been counting down all the things that I am Not Gonna Miss come the rapture tomorrow, and I have to confess I’m feeling pretty good about it all.  I’m not gonna miss the hair on The Donald, and I’m certainly not gonna miss Charlie Sheen and our loonyfauxtainment system – nor the prices we have to pay the damn cable companies to be loonyfauxtained. 

There are so many things that will end too soon, it’s true, and so many hopes and dreams will die unrealized when the world ends tomorrow afternoon.  Bummer. 

But of all the things I’m Not Gonna Miss, speaking of hopes and dreams that die unrealized, there’s one thing that was always going to stand out at the top of this list.

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.
Number 6:  Natural Disasters.
Number 5:  Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4:  Organized religions.
Number 3:  Dieting.
Number 2:  Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity.
Number 1:  Watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year.

You know, a friend of mine mentioned the other day that I seemed like an optimist.  “You amaze me,” she said, “you always seem to have faith that things will work out.”  I responded with the simple truth: Of course I have faith. I’m programmed to have faith. I’m a goddamn Cubs fan.  It’s what we do.

A lot can happen between May and October.  Just because we nearly lead the league in runs allowed doesn’t mean we can’t pull it out.  Right?  Just because we haven’t won a World Series in a century doesn’t mean we won’t win it this year.  This is next year!  Who’s with me?  Just because we haven’t even BEEN to a world series in 66 years doesn’t mean we won’t win it this year! 

Yeah, it does.  We won’t win it this year either.  We know.  But we’re still going to cheer.  We’re still going to have faith that things will work out.  We’re Cubs fans, after all.  It’s what we do.

So please God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year, call the Rapture tomorrow.  Because Harry Caray is waiting for us all in Heaven:  “Cubs win! Holy Cow!”

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“This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.”  Well, we’ll never have to deal with another one – the world ends on Saturday.  There are only two days left before the end of the world – 48 hours.  Someone call Eddie Murphy.

Well, demonic cedar rust ball droppings are just one more thing on the big list of things I’m Not Gonna Miss come the Rapture.  Here’s the list so far:

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.
Number 6:  Natural Disasters.
Number 5:  Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4:  Organized religions.
Number 3:  Dieting.
Number 2: Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity.

You can name them as well as I can.  In fact, recent polls suggest you can name them better than I can.  Charlie Sheen.  Lindsay Lohan.  Cher, off and on.  Charlie Sheen.  Miley Cyrus.  Britney Spears.  Charlie Sheen.  Paris Hilton, though who can blame her?  Oh yeah, we can.  Courtney Love, to say nothing of her late Kurt.  Zevon said it: “It’s tough to be somebody.  It’s hard to keep from falling apart.  Here on Rehab Mountain, we all learn these things by heart.”  And oh yeah, since he reminds me – Liza and Liz, back in the day.  Oh, and let’s not forget Tiger’s Wood.

And this isn’t limited to “the arts” either – we have the best politicians money can buy, and you know what happens to them once they hit that “hey, I’m a famous person” threshold.  Um, Arnold?  Wouldn’t it have been cheaper just to get another gym membership?  Did you really need to lift THOSE weights?  (Sheesh, he married a Kennedy – don’t they have a support group for that sort of thing?) 

I know it’s probably hard to teach your kids by example when they’re famous and you’re not, or if they didn’t grow up with that kind of money.  But really, most of them didn’t wake up one morning and find out they were famous – can you not envision some warning system?  In fact, I’m going to start one now, just in case anyone becomes dangerously famous between now and the Rapture!  I hereby announce and declare the Elvis Alert, to be used when some poor poor pitiful fame-whore, celebretard, or news-hounding politico is coming close to the Charlie Sheen Line.  If they’re mentioned on TMZ more than CNN, it could be time for an Elvis Alert.

So Lord – most famous of them all – please, because I’m Not Gonna Miss Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity, call the Rapture on May 21st.  And please, take Charlie Sheen first, OK?

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Folks, the TV show Glee has made a few of your lists for things you’re Not Gonna Miss, and I can’t tell you how close it’s come to making mine.  It’s been a near thing.  They only have one sympathtic character, and they give her all the good lines.  (“You think that’s hard?  I’m counting down ’til the Rapture!  That’s hard!”)  I just can’t make myself suspend enough disbelief to give a damn.  I just don’t care if Finn and Shue have made up and are kissing again, or who Puck wants to bang today.  Shut up and sing already – I’ve seen better plots in porn movies.  But as much as I’m Not Gonna Miss it, it’s not bad enough to make the Top Ten list:

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.
Number 6:  Natural Disasters.
Number 5:  Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4:  Organized religions.
Number 3:  Dieting.

It’s been noted that diet is just “die” spelled with a T at the end, and I think there’s a reason for this.  Let’s face it, there’s a reason I’m not called the Small Ugly Man Doll – and it’s not all beer.   Most of us like a nice outing to the Fatty Snax deli at least once in a while – Mmmmm, butter, bacon, beef, it’s like a litany of deisre for my tastebuds.  Rich foods, that nice sharp chocolate, and a good Scotch – counting calories my eternally expanding ass, let’s eat!

In heaven, I won’t watch my cholesterol, my weight, my calorie intake, or my liver.  Or I’m not going.  Here on earth, I go to the Dr to hear that I should eat less and exercise more.  I’ve heard it often enough that I’m starting my own weight loss program – watch your bookshelves, because I’m going to publish shortly after the Rapture!  You know, in case anyone’s still here.

So please Lord, because I’m Not Gonna Miss watching my weight – call the Rapture on May 21st.  And have the grill fired up – let’s cook the golden Ox while we watch Glee re-runs.  Maybe there’s a plot in heaven.

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