Big Ugly Man Doll

Recovering from pneumonia, I’m finding, is a lot like Hyperbole and a Half’s problems with surpassing her capacity for responsibility. I get to the office, filled with something resembling energy and a modicum of stamina, sufficient to get me through to about lunch.  Like Allie at the start of her productivity cycle, “I will do ALL the Things!”

Do ALL the Things! (From Hyperbole and a Half)

I sit at my desk, blasting through email like dynamite through a mountain, carving tunnels of solutions through problems of granite. I fight fires, I shape strategies, I sit in judgment. I do ALL the Things! And my lungs feel good, and I’m not coughing any more, and I’m not congested, and I’m not in pain, and I’m not in a pleasant drug-induced fog. I’m back, baby.

And then I roll a few things off the printer down the way by the microwave, and I stand up to run and get them. And there’s nothing there. No gas, hold the desk a moment, and start the slow shuffle over toward the printer. I cannot tell you how irritating this is. I have been, for a long time, a lethargic bum who gets no exercise – but that was by design, my choice, not because of a lack of energy. Energy has always been there when I needed it.

Do ALL the things? (From Hyperbole and a Half)

Now, by about 3:30 in the afternoon, I return to Hyperbole and a Half.  “Do ALL the things?”

Ooof. I’m beat.

I don’t think I can do all the Things today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do more Things.

All done now.

.

Done with the meds.  Done with the wheezing.  Not moving fast, not talking loud.  The best part of having pneumonia has been all the stories people tell me.  “Oh, yeah, my friend so-and-so had that, he was in the hospital for 6 months.”  “Oh, yeah, my friend’s buddy’s relative had that, he died.”  “Oh yeah, I had that, I was out for 4 months.” 

I’m starting to feel like (A) I should be feeling much worse, (B) I got off really easy, and (C) I’ve just joined a really weird club.  I heard a cancer survivor talk about her experience a few years ago; she mentioned that it seemed really odd that everyone treated her like a hero just for getting out of bed each morning.  She said “What was I going to do, just lay there?” 

Like the man said, “Keep kicking and scratching.  If you stop, they throw dirt over you.” 

So, I drove a car again for the first time in 3 weeks today, that was fun.  Went back to the office for most of the day today – I find I tire easily.  The worst part of all this is that my taste buds have changed – can’t deal with coffee or hard liquor; I find I dislike the taste.  The upshot of this is that I haven’t had any caffiene or alcohol in several weeks – those of you who know me well will have an idea of my state of mind at this turn of events.  Healthy?  I’m not sure it’s worth it. 

Updates as they happen – watch this space!

This started out as a Short List of Things You Should and Shouldn’t Do When You Have Pneumonia.  I started with things you should do, beginning with “take your medicine,” and I realized I’m taking so many meds that I should just leave off and post this.  Tomorrow, perhaps, a list of Things You Should and Shouldn’t Do When You Have Pneumonia.  Today, a recitation of the things that will make me better, I’m told.  You just be quiet and read now, this won’t hurt a bit.   

• Mucinex.  This will tear up the mucus in your chest.  It will do the same to your stomach, if you can keep it down.  That’s if you can get it down in the first place – they seem to make these for horses. 
• Cheratussin.  Tastes like cherry-flavored ass and doesn’t do anything for the coughing.  I don’t know why they bother.  “This may cause dizziness.”  Yeah, get used to that phrase.
• Z-Pak antibiotics.  This is the first line of defense against pneumonia.  It’s also, it turns out, a great way to get me ready for the holidays.  I woke up with hives that looked like I’d been strung with bright red, itchy Christmas lights. 
• Zyrtec.  I’m pretty sure the Dr.’s office gets kick-backs from these people – I came in a while ago with a dislocated shoulder and they prescribed Zyrtec.  I don’t have allergies, except to the Z-Pak that’s giving me hives, and the pneumonia.  I’ve decided I’m definitely allergic to pneumonia.  Also, “This may cause drowsiness.”
• Benadryl.  This is great for reducing the hives caused by the Z-Pak antibiotics.  Also, “This may cause dizziness.”
• Benzonatate / Tessalon, for the wheezing that would have sounded so good at a Halloween party.  “This may cause dizziness.”  Ya think?
• Doxycycline antibiotics.  This is the next line of defense against pneumonia, since I’m allergic to the first line.  Stay out of the sun while taking this.  WTF?  Will I look all sparkly? 
• Levaquin antibiotics.  This is the NEXT, next line of defense against pneumonia, since I’m allergic to the first line and the second line didn’t do a damn thing in a week.  Also, “This may cause dizziness.”  Mind you, the instructions aren’t “take this, not that.”  The instructions are “Take this Levaquin and keep taking all the Doxycycline too.”   Let’s note that around 500 different species of bacteria live in your gut, in a symbiotic relationship with you and what you eat.  They perform a host of useful functions, such as fermenting unused energy substrates, training your immune system, regulating aspects of development, and producing vitamins and hormones for you.  My gut, on the other hand, is a dark barren wasteland, an empty shallow dirt trench littered with empty blue and red capsules and the battered corpses of a million million bacteria, most of which never knew what hit them.   SOBUMD has suggested I have some yoghurt, to replace all those “good” intestinal flora.  I think throwing those poor bastards down there just to die like dogs with their predecessors when I take the next dose would be too much like Churchill throwing wave after wave of ANZAC troops onto the jagged deathrocks of Gallipoli.   I will not do it.
• Albuterol, as an inhaler.  “This medicine may make you shake like a leaf about to fall from a tree during an early November windstorm, watching a thousand of your fellows fall to the ground and die under the blades of the ride-along chipper he just bought at Home Depot on Black Friday and is now pulling on the black of his suburban lawn tractor, beer in hand.”  Yes, it really says that.
• Tussionex, also to reduce coughing.  It also reduces those feeling of sobriety and steadiness that were plaguing you.  “This may cause dizziness.”  Yeah, no kidding, the way a pint of vodka may cause dizziness.  This is something like a cross between the 6th glass of Scotch and a near-death experience.  No wonder it’s not over the counter. 
• Advil, because no one will give me valium, and all this stuff together will give you quite a headache.
• Seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls.  Actually I got these from my attorney, not my doctor, but who’s counting.   Besides, the only thing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge is a blogger with pneumonia.