Big Ugly Man Doll

[Ed. Note:  This morning’s Countdown is dedicated to M-Bone Talbert, whose world got ended for him Sunday night.  RIP M-Bone.]

Hurry!  Hurry!  This week only – and I mean that!  There are only 4 shopping days left ’til the end of the world.  In case you’ve been living under a rock – and I would not blame you one minute if you had been – I’m highlighting a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture, and I’m counting on YOU to comment if you haven’t yet with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.
Number 6:  Natural Disasters.
Number 5:  Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4:  Organized religions.

There are some really, really smart people out there.  Many of them think that the smartest guy alive is a wheelchair-bound dude who needs speech-translation software to talk to us; yes, Stephen Hawking.  It turns out that Stephen Hawking, when he’s not expounding on Time, the Universe, and All The Things, is an avid reader of the Big Ugly Man Doll.  I believe this is a perfectly logical conclusion, and I base it on the fact that while he didn’t actually mention it in a recent interview, he was obviously rebutting my recent assertion that In Heaven, There Is No Beer.

Stephen Hawking believes in beer.  He just doesn’t believe in heaven.

And that’s ok.  But there are people – millions of them – who think he’s not just wrong, but so wrong that he should be censured and perhaps punished for saying that sort of thing in public.  Many of these people, it turns out, tend to make their livelihoods by getting other people to give them money in exchange for telling them not only that is there a heaven, but also that they personally will be allowed to go there.

In return for this kind of public display of assurance, people have been known to commit more and bloodier atrocities than for nearly any other reason I can think of.  Deus Vult!  “God Wills It” was the rallying cry for the crusades – a bloody-minded fool’s errand for which the world continues to pay the price to this very day.   Allahu Akbar!  God is indeed great.  If He’s that all-fired great, you would think He could just kill off His enemies without your help – and perhaps there’s a reason He hasn’t yet.  Perhaps He’d prefer you stop meddling in His affairs for a few minutes so He can sort things out.

People who are divinely inspired to do really crazy stuff in the name of the god of their choice, out there by themselves – I have no problem with that.  Sting sang it more succinctly than I can:  “Men go crazy in congregations / They only get better one by one.”   It’s the people who get together only with others of their own closeminded philosophies and decide that everyone else is wrong that worry me.  The older I get, the more I lean toward Militant Agnosticism:  “I Don’t Know, and You Don’t Either.”  Really, soon enough we’re all going to find out – why rush things?

So please Lord, because I’m Not Gonna Miss your more vocal, vehement, violent followers – call the Rapture on May 21st.  My buddy Stephen Hawking and I will expect our 72 virgins when we arrive.

Tags: Children // 4 Comments »

We’re into single digits – there are now only 5 full days left ’til the end of the world.  Today is a Monday, and if we’re lucky it’ll be the last damn Monday we have to face.  Mind you, there’s a trade off; end of the world and all.  I’m continuing to highlight a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture, and I’m counting on YOU to comment if you haven’t yet with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.
Number 6:  Natural Disasters.
Number 5:  Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.

From Mother Shipton and Nostradamus to Al Gore and Harold Camping, they’ve let us down so many times.  The world will end on Y2K.  The world will end today, or tomorrow, or the next week, or Real Soon Now.  Hurry hurry, the end is at hand, and we’re all about to buy it.  They spin us up, get us ready, and then – whoosh, the date for The End goes by like a thousand other deadlines before it.  So, just because I’m sure everyone needs a small ray of hope to cling to, here’s the Official Big Ugly Prediction you’ve been waiting for:

1. We’re all gonna die.
2. Probably not all on the same day.

There, was that so hard?  You’ve never heard a more accurate prediction than that, and you probably never will.  I’m tired of these Chicken Little clowns getting people all spun up, getting everyone ready for the end, and getting it wrong.  It didn’t end when they turned on the Large Hadron Collider, it didn’t end when all our clocks turned 00-00-00-00-00 etc., and it didn’t end when Michael Jackson died.  The world seems pretty resilient.  If this one is really the big one, so be it.  If not, I’m going have to add Mr. Harold to the list of people I’m Not Gonna Miss next time.

And it’s probably not going to be, either.  In discussing the upcoming Rapture with Number One Son, he expressed his disdain for the current prediction.  I asked him why, and he explained:  “Daddy, the 21st is a Saturday.  Douglas Adams made it very clear that the Earth will be destroyed on a Thursday.” 

His point is as valid as any I’ve heard.

So please Lord, because I’m Not Gonna Miss all the weenies trying to outguess You – call the Rapture on May 21st.  Even if it is a Saturday.

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

We’re into single digits – there are now only 6 full days left ’til the end of the world.  In case you still doubt, yesterday we watched the opening of the Morganza Floodgates in Louisiana.  Hundreds of people there are now left with the impression that, while Rome might not have been destroyed in a day, the town of Gibson, LA might be – and that the prediction of May 21st being the end of the world was in fact off by about a week. 

I’m continuing to highlight a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture, and I’m counting on YOU to comment if you haven’t yet with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.
Number 6:  Natural Disasters.

Look God, You told that Noah dude You were done with the whole “destroying the earth and all the creatures with water” thing back in the day.   I gotta tell Ya, there’s about a gazillion folks all over this planet, from Phuket to Jakarta to the northern coast of Japan to the South Central US and Morganza, Louisiana, who are really thinking You might just have reneged on the rainbow, if You know what I’m sayin’.   Water may be the stuff of life, but a guy my size can drown in less than 2 cups of it – never mind 150,000 cubic feet per second.  (I love the Cajun way of putting things, though – faced with 150,000 cubic feet of water per second, the salient quote was, “That can’t be good.”) 

Also, tornados?  What’s up with that?  Hey, this looks like fun, let’s see how fast I can get this whirligig thingy going?  Did You really program them to be attracted to trailer parks, or are You bowling?   I mean, volcanoes I understand, and it’s not like they go off without warning – hey, look, a big bloody mountain, wonder what’s under it, yeah, we get that.  But earthquakes?  Tsunamis?  Justin Bieber?  Really, that’s just dirty pool.  Oh, and the whole “lightning hitting the steeple” gag – You’re showing Your hand there, You know that, right?

So God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss Your natural disasters – call the Rapture on May 21.  And stop trying to pick up the seven-ten split with a brace of mobile homes.

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

Seven days, that’s all she wrote – a cosmic ultimatum note!  As we plan for our End of Days party on the 21st, I’m highlighting a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture.  Please continue to comment with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.

Look, let’s be blunt:  I’m a snob.  I get that.  I’m a beer snob.  I used to, by which I mean before I had kids running around underfoot, make my own beer.  I grew up in the 1970s, a decade when Americans took their eye off the ball long enough for Budweiser to start putting rice in their beer.  I’m told that an ice cold Bud in the shade was a good thing, back in the 1950s – and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s a fine thing still.  Sex in a canoe is nice too, and just like Bud these days, it’s fucking close to water. 

Fritz Maytag over with Anchor, along with Jim Koch from Sam Adams and the home brewing movement in the mid 1990s tried to rescue us, and we may be winning the battles for the bottles.  But I still walk into bars and, on inquiring, am told, “No micros, no imports, no bottles.”  Do you know how awful it is to have to drink water in a bar?  Cheap beer still has a chokehold on the American beer drinker, and it’s just wrong. 

I do worry about the Rapture in relation to beer – as we know, In Heaven There is no Beer.  I think I’d better get a decent ale out of the fridge now, just in case – and lay in a one week supply!  But really. I’m Not Gonna Miss cheap beer.  There’s just no excuse any more. 

So God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss cheap beer – call the Rapture on May 21.  And please, have a few cold ones ready for us!

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:   Why are some guys so clueless?  Can he not see that she likes him?  Why doesn’t he notice her?  

Answer:   Yes, we’re clueless.  Most of us will admit it readily if asked.  We don’t get subtle hints.  We don’t even, usually, get very broad hints.  If she likes him, her best bet is to walk up to him, grab him by whatever article of clothing or appendage she’s comfortable grabbing, and telling him something like, “Oy, you!  I like you.  Let’s get to know each other better,” and take things from there.  You’d save yourselves weeks of wondering and thinking and all that.  If he’s made eye contact with you more than twice, he probably has noticed you and he just doesn’t want you to catch him staring, or he thinks you must already be in a relationship since you’re cute, or he’s worried that you’ll kill him for talking to you, or more likely that the 17 other ladies you walk around with will turn on him like the maenads, transformed by his nerve in suddenly speaking to you that they switch to ‘raving’ mode, lose their self-control, start shouting excitedly, and then ritualistically hunt him down and tear him to pieces, devouring his raw flesh — and not in a good way. 

Yes, we think like that.  Big groups of women still make us nervous.  Most mythology has its roots in history. 

Anyway, so it’s that, or he’s just a big dumb lug.  Don’t be subtle, he won’t get it.  Hit him with a bat and get his attention. 

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »