Rapture
On 10 May 2011, I started a series of posts that went into some detail about all the things I’m not gonna miss in this Big Ugly world when the Rapture comes. Number 5 was, in fact, predictions of the End of the World that turn out to be wrong – which this one did as well. I’m not gonna miss those at all. It turned out that 21 May 2011 wasn’t the last day for most of us after all.
But that’s OK – crazy Rev. Harold has decided we’re back on for The End in October! In the meantime, you can get your feet of clay wet right here, starting with …
10 May, 2011 | 11 Comments
Thus I have heard: We live in the end of days, and 21 May 2011 will be the last day. The internets told me so, and the very fundamentalist Christians told the internets. Since it’s on the internet, it must be true. Therefore, starting tomorrow, I’m going to start counting down the top ten things thatI’m Not Gonna Miss, come the Rapture.
Tell me, tell me, readers – what are YOU Not Gonna Miss when the world ends? Will your pet peeve make the list? Comments here – and remember, you only have 11 days to go!
Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 10
11 May, 2011 | 2 Comments
There are only 10 days left ’til the end of the world, per the internet, which is the only news source worth quoting anymore and therefore it must be true. I know, we’ve come close before , but we here at Big Ugly Central are reliably informed that this is the real deal. We’re planning a huge May 21 End Of The World party to celebrate the Rapture, when there will be no more future, no more past, the judgment, the end of everything on earth, the end of Time. Rain date is May 22.
So, with 10 days to go, I’m going to highlight a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS when the freakin’ world ends.
Sure, there will be moaning and great gnashing of teeth (don’t worry if you don’t have any, I’m reliably informed that teeth will be provided for your gnashing pleasure). Sure, there will be pain and suffering and right bad weather. Sure, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and we feel fine. But despite all that, despite all the good things that will end too soon come the Rapture, there’s a host of things that, let’s face it, you’re Not Gonna Miss. Please feel free to comment with your own NGM comments as well – I’ll tally them all up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end! For right now, I’m going to kick this off with:
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
For the love of all that is holy, please God, call the Rapture early so we don’t have to see any more of that bird’s nest on the head of the Donald. Really. You called home the peacock on Herbert Haft’s head, you seem to have calmed the storm of Don King’s superglued coiffure, and I no longer wanna get me an Al Sharpton haircut. If the Donald buys his way onto the Republican ticket, I worry that his legions of preppie minions will be marching in peaceful demonstration, arm in Armani-clad arm, singing “We Shall Overcomb” though the streets of New York.
So God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss the Donald’s Hair – call the Rapture on May 21.
Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 9
12 May, 2011 | 6 Comments
We’re into single digits – there are now only 9 full days left ’til the end of the world. In case you still doubt, yesterday was to mark the destruction of Rome. Hundreds of people fled the city; luckily for them, Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day.
Anyway, I’m highlighting a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture. Please continue to comment with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9: People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Every winter in the Northern hemisphere, people take time out from meebling about their pathetic little lives to “count their blessings.” They give thanks for things they take for granted, like cars, and for things that really matter to them and make a positive difference in their lives, like the latest episode of Glee. Then they get in their cars, humming unrecognizable versions of songs you were too stoned to remember the first time they were hits, and stop halfway up the icy hill.
It doesn’t matter where you are, what state, how much snow you do or don’t get – there’s always some idiot who chickens out halfway up the damn hill and can’t get started again, despite having paid extra for the Sport-n-Weather Package down at the Gas-n-Go, with those cute Pirelli tires starting to spin as they slide to the right and then sideways back down the hill, looking more surprised than embarrassed. They’re usually right in front of me. What is so hard about this? Don’t stop on the hill. Don’t. Stop. On. The. Hill. SOBUMD and I will open the curtains and a bottle of wine on a snowy day, counting morons as they stop on the hill and go sliding. Bonus points for busses.
So God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss people who can’t drive in bad weather – call the Rapture on May 21.
Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 8
13 May, 2011 | 1 Comment
There are only 8 days left until the end of the world. That’s 192 hours. Only 11,520 minutes to the Rapture.
That’s 11,520 minutes that we still have to live with a whole lotta stuff that we’re Not Gonna Miss when the world ends on Saturday, May 21, such as:
10. Donald Trump’s Hair
9. People who can’t drive in bad weather.
8. Facebook status message memes.
Please re-post this as your status if you or someone you know has been affected by the End of Days. The Rapture has affected millions – and polls show 3 of 4 people make up nearly 75% of the population! I know only 3% will repost this and a damn sight fewer will be caught up in any Rapture. Please, support Rapture awareness by leaving this as your status for an hour, and include this handy link: http://bit.ly/mr5Q1T
Come on, God. Call the Rapture on May 21st, because I am so Not Gonna Miss those crazy Facebook status update memes. Or at least post the above on Your divine Page – I could really use the ad revenue. You know, in case the world doesn’t end.
Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 7
14 May, 2011 | 2 Comments
Seven days, that’s all she wrote – a cosmic ultimatum note! As we plan for our End of Days party on the 21st, I’m highlighting a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture. Please continue to comment with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9: People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8: Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7: Cheap Beer.
Look, let’s be blunt: I’m a snob. I get that. I’m a beer snob. I used to, by which I mean before I had kids running around underfoot, make my own beer. I grew up in the 1970s, a decade when Americans took their eye off the ball long enough for Budweiser to start putting rice in their beer. I’m told that an ice cold Bud in the shade was a good thing, back in the 1950s – and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s a fine thing still. Sex in a canoe is nice too, and just like Bud these days, it’s fucking close to water.
Fritz Maytag over with Anchor, along with Jim Koch from Sam Adams and the home brewing movement in the mid 1990s tried to rescue us, and we may be winning the battles for the bottles. But I still walk into bars and, on inquiring, am told, “No micros, no imports, no bottles.” Do you know how awful it is to have to drink water in a bar? Cheap beer still has a chokehold on the American beer drinker, and it’s just wrong.
I do worry about the Rapture in relation to beer – as we know, In Heaven There is no Beer. I think I’d better get a decent ale out of the fridge now, just in case – and lay in a one week supply! But really. I’m Not Gonna Miss cheap beer. There’s just no excuse any more.
So God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss cheap beer – call the Rapture on May 21. And please, have a few cold ones ready for us!
Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 6
15 May, 2011 | 2 Comments
We’re into single digits – there are now only 6 full days left ’til the end of the world. In case you still doubt, yesterday we watched the opening of the Morganza Floodgates in Louisiana. Hundreds of people there are now left with the impression that, while Rome might not have been destroyed in a day, the town of Gibson, LA might be – and that the prediction of May 21st being the end of the world was in fact off by about a week.
I’m continuing to highlight a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture, and I’m counting on YOU to comment if you haven’t yet with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9: People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8: Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7: Cheap Beer.
Number 6: Natural Disasters.
Look God, You told that Noah dude You were done with the whole “destroying the earth and all the creatures with water” thing back in the day. I gotta tell Ya, there’s about a gazillion folks all over this planet, from Phuket to Jakarta to the northern coast of Japan to the South Central US and Morganza, Louisiana, who are really thinking You might just have reneged on the rainbow, if You know what I’m sayin’. Water may be the stuff of life, but a guy my size can drown in less than 2 cups of it – never mind 150,000 cubic feet per second. (I love the Cajun way of putting things, though – faced with 150,000 cubic feet of water per second, the salient quote was, “That can’t be good.”)
Also, tornados? What’s up with that? Hey, this looks like fun, let’s see how fast I can get this whirligig thingy going? Did You really program them to be attracted to trailer parks, or are You bowling? I mean, volcanoes I understand, and it’s not like they go off without warning – hey, look, a big bloody mountain, wonder what’s under it, yeah, we get that. But earthquakes? Tsunamis? Justin Bieber? Really, that’s just dirty pool. Oh, and the whole “lightning hitting the steeple” gag – You’re showing Your hand there, You know that, right?
So God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss Your natural disasters – call the Rapture on May 21. And stop trying to pick up the seven-ten split with a brace of mobile homes.
Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 5
16 May, 2011 | 2 Comments
We’re into single digits – there are now only 5 full days left ’til the end of the world. Today is a Monday, and if we’re lucky it’ll be the last damn Monday we have to face. Mind you, there’s a trade off; end of the world and all. I’m continuing to highlight a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture, and I’m counting on YOU to comment if you haven’t yet with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9: People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8: Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7: Cheap Beer.
Number 6: Natural Disasters.
Number 5: Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
From Mother Shipton and Nostradamus to Al Gore and Harold Camping, they’ve let us down so many times. The world will end on Y2K. The world will end today, or tomorrow, or the next week, or Real Soon Now. Hurry hurry, the end is at hand, and we’re all about to buy it. They spin us up, get us ready, and then – whoosh, the date for The End goes by like a thousand other deadlines before it. So, just because I’m sure everyone needs a small ray of hope to cling to, here’s the Official Big Ugly Prediction you’ve been waiting for:
- We’re all gonna die.
- Probably not all on the same day.
There, was that so hard? You’ve never heard a more accurate prediction than that, and you probably never will. I’m tired of these Chicken Little clowns getting people all spun up, getting everyone ready for the end, and getting it wrong. It didn’t end when they turned on the Large Hadron Collider, it didn’t end when all our clocks turned 00-00-00-00-00 etc., and it didn’t end when Michael Jackson died. The world seems pretty resilient. If this one is really the big one, so be it. If not, I’m going have to add Mr. Harold to the list of people I’m Not Gonna Miss next time.
And it’s probably not going to be, either. In discussing the upcoming Rapture with Number One Son, he expressed his disdain for the current prediction. I asked him why, and he explained: “Daddy, the 21st is a Saturday. Douglas Adams made it very clear that the Earth will be destroyed on a Thursday.”
His point is as valid as any I’ve heard.
So please Lord, because I’m Not Gonna Miss all the weenies trying to outguess You – call the Rapture on May 21st. Even if it is a Saturday.
Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 4
17 May, 2011 | 4 Comments
[Ed. Note: This morning’s Countdown is dedicated to M-Bone Talbert, whose world got ended for him Sunday night. RIP M-Bone.]
Hurry! Hurry! This week only – and I mean that! There are only 4 shopping days left ’til the end of the world. In case you’ve been living under a rock – and I would not blame you one minute if you had been – I’m highlighting a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture, and I’m counting on YOU to comment if you haven’t yet with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9: People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8: Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7: Cheap Beer.
Number 6: Natural Disasters.
Number 5: Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4: Organized religions.
There are some really, really smart people out there. Many of them think that the smartest guy alive is a wheelchair-bound dude who needs speech-translation software to talk to us; yes, Stephen Hawking. It turns out that Stephen Hawking, when he’s not expounding on Time, the Universe, and All The Things, is an avid reader of the Big Ugly Man Doll. I believe this is a perfectly logical conclusion, and I base it on the fact that while he didn’t actually mention it in a recent interview, he was obviously rebutting my recent assertion that In Heaven, There Is No Beer.
Stephen Hawking believes in beer. He just doesn’t believe in heaven.
And that’s ok. But there are people – millions of them – who think he’s not just wrong, but so wrong that he should be censured and perhaps punished for saying that sort of thing in public. Many of these people, it turns out, tend to make their livelihoods by getting other people to give them money in exchange for telling them not only that is there a heaven, but also that they personally will be allowed to go there.
In return for this kind of public display of assurance, people have been known to commit more and bloodier atrocities than for nearly any other reason I can think of. Deus Vult! “God Wills It” was the rallying cry for the crusades – a bloody-minded fool’s errand for which the world continues to pay the price to this very day. Allahu Akbar! God is indeed great. If He’s that all-fired great, you would think He could just kill off His enemies without your help – and perhaps there’s a reason He hasn’t yet. Perhaps He’d prefer you stop meddling in His affairs for a few minutes so He can sort things out.
People who are divinely inspired to do really crazy stuff in the name of the god of their choice, out there by themselves – I have no problem with that. Sting sang it more succinctly than I can: “Men go crazy in congregations / They only get better one by one.” It’s the people who get together only with others of their own closeminded philosophies and decide that everyone else is wrong that worry me. The older I get, the more I lean toward Militant Agnosticism: “I Don’t Know, and You Don’t Either.” Really, soon enough we’re all going to find out – why rush things?
So please Lord, because I’m Not Gonna Miss your more vocal, vehement, violent followers – call the Rapture on May 21st. My buddy Stephen Hawking and I will expect our 72 virgins when we arrive.
Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition: Day 3
18 May, 2011 | No Comment
Folks, the TV show Glee has made a few of your lists for things you’re Not Gonna Miss, and I can’t tell you how close it’s come to making mine. It’s been a near thing. They only have one sympathtic character, and they give her all the good lines. (“You think that’s hard? I’m counting down ’til the Rapture! That’s hard!”) I just can’t make myself suspend enough disbelief to give a damn. I just don’t care if Finn and Shue have made up and are kissing again, or who Puck wants to bang today. Shut up and sing already – I’ve seen better plots in porn movies. But as much as I’m Not Gonna Miss it, it’s not bad enough to make the Top Ten list:
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9: People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8: Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7: Cheap Beer.
Number 6: Natural Disasters.
Number 5: Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4: Organized religions.
Number 3: Dieting.
It’s been noted that diet is just “die” spelled with a T at the end, and I think there’s a reason for this. Let’s face it, there’s a reason I’m not called the Small Ugly Man Doll – and it’s not all beer. Most of us like a nice outing to the Fatty Snax deli at least once in a while – Mmmmm, butter, bacon, beef, it’s like a litany of deisre for my tastebuds. Rich foods, that nice sharp chocolate, and a good Scotch – counting calories my eternally expanding ass, let’s eat!
In heaven, I won’t watch my cholesterol, my weight, my calorie intake, or my liver. Or I’m not going. Here on earth, I go to the Dr to hear that I should eat less and exercise more. I’ve heard it often enough that I’m starting my own weight loss program – watch your bookshelves, because I’m going to publish shortly after the Rapture! You know, in case anyone’s still here.
So please Lord, because I’m Not Gonna Miss watching my weight – call the Rapture on May 21st. And have the grill fired up – let’s cook the golden Ox while we watch Glee re-runs. Maybe there’s a plot in heaven.
Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 2
19 May, 2011
“This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.” Well, we’ll never have to deal with another one – the world ends on Saturday. There are only two days left before the end of the world – 48 hours. Someone call Eddie Murphy.
What, you don’t think we’re up against the Rapture? Check out the demon droppings caught in my friend Auntie Jenny’s cedar tree the other day. These appeared overnight, and since cedar was once sacred, we can be sure that this is a true vision of the coming mope-fest for sinners, the glorious ascension, the One Last Time to overplay REM on the radio – the End of Days.
Well, demonic cedar rust ball droppings are just one more thing on the big list of things I’m Not Gonna Miss come the Rapture. Here’s the list so far:
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9: People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8: Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7: Cheap Beer.
Number 6: Natural Disasters.
Number 5: Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4: Organized religions.
Number 3: Dieting.
Number 2: Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity.
You can name them as well as I can. In fact, recent polls suggest you can name them better than I can. Charlie Sheen. Lindsay Lohan. Cher, off and on. Charlie Sheen. Miley Cyrus. Britney Spears. Charlie Sheen. Paris Hilton, though who can blame her? Oh yeah, we can. Courtney Love, to say nothing of her late Kurt. Zevon said it: “It’s tough to be somebody. It’s hard to keep from falling apart. Here on Rehab Mountain, we all learn these things by heart.” And oh yeah, since he reminds me – Liza and Liz, back in the day. Oh, and let’s not forget Tiger’s Wood.
And this isn’t limited to “the arts” either – we have the best politicians money can buy, and you know what happens to them once they hit that “hey, I’m a famous person” threshold. Um, Arnold? Wouldn’t it have been cheaper just to get another gym membership? Did you really need to lift THOSE weights? (Sheesh, he married a Kennedy – don’t they have a support group for that sort of thing?)
I know it’s probably hard to teach your kids by example when they’re famous and you’re not, or if they didn’t grow up with that kind of money. But really, most of them didn’t wake up one morning and find out they were famous – can you not envision some warning system? In fact, I’m going to start one now, just in case anyone becomes dangerously famous between now and the Rapture! I hereby announce and declare the Elvis Alert, to be used when some poor poor pitiful fame-whore, celebretard, or news-hounding politico is coming close to the Charlie Sheen Line. If they’re mentioned on TMZ more than CNN, it could be time for an Elvis Alert.
So Lord – most famous of them all – please, because I’m Not Gonna Miss Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity, call the Rapture on May 21st. And please, take Charlie Sheen first, OK?
Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 1
20 May, 2011 | 2 Comments
OK, this is it. There’s nothing penultimate about this one. Today is the last full day before the end of the world as we know it. How do you feel? Tell me, how do you feel?
Right, I thought so. I’ve been counting down all the things that I am Not Gonna Miss come the rapture tomorrow, and I have to confess I’m feeling pretty good about it all. I’m not gonna miss the hair on The Donald, and I’m certainly not gonna miss Charlie Sheen and our loonyfauxtainment system – nor the prices we have to pay the damn cable companies to be loonyfauxtained.
There are so many things that will end too soon, it’s true, and so many hopes and dreams will die unrealized when the world ends tomorrow afternoon. Bummer.
But of all the things I’m Not Gonna Miss, speaking of hopes and dreams that die unrealized, there’s one thing that was always going to stand out at the top of this list.
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9: People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8: Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7: Cheap Beer.
Number 6: Natural Disasters.
Number 5: Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4: Organized religions.
Number 3: Dieting.
Number 2: Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity.
Number 1: Watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year.
You know, a friend of mine mentioned the other day that I seemed like an optimist. “You amaze me,” she said, “you always seem to have faith that things will work out.” I responded with the simple truth: Of course I have faith. I’m programmed to have faith. I’m a goddamn Cubs fan. It’s what we do.
A lot can happen between May and October. Just because we nearly lead the league in runs allowed doesn’t mean we can’t pull it out. Right? Just because we haven’t won a World Series in a century doesn’t mean we won’t win it this year. This is next year! Who’s with me? Just because we haven’t even BEEN to a world series in 66 years doesn’t mean we won’t win it this year!
Yeah, it does. We won’t win it this year either. We know. But we’re still going to cheer. We’re still going to have faith that things will work out. We’re Cubs fans, after all. It’s what we do.
So please God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year, call the Rapture tomorrow. Because Harry Caray is waiting for us all in Heaven: “Cubs win! Holy Cow!”
Happy Rapture to All, and to All a Good Night!
21 May, 2011 | 7 Comments
So there we have it, it’s Rapture day. We’ve got about 2 hours (local time) until we can start looting our glorious brothers and sisters are called to their reward. I’ve tallied up all the things that people wrote in that they’re Not Gonna Miss, and I wanted to share the results with you now… (Not that it will matter soon.)
There were some overlaps with my list, of course:
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9: People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8: Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7: Cheap Beer.
Number 6: Natural Disasters.
Number 5: Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4: Organized religions.
Number 3: Dieting.
Number 2: Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity.
Number 1: Watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year.
Thank all of you who posted with the things that you’re Not Gonna Miss as well! It’s been delightful knowing you all, and I’m sure we’ll all have Great Fun once we’re caught up in a few hours. Unless, you know, this becomes another damn Number 5 (above)…
22 May, 2011
Man, what did we do wrong? I am just shocked – shocked, I say – to find that we’re all still here. God must have a soft spot for Bourbon, though – sometime during the Preakness, several mint julips appear to have been caught up in the Rapture. I’m sure I don’t know where they went.
Well, back on our heads. I sure wouldn’t have missed the Donald’s hair, though.