Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 4
[Ed. Note: This morning’s Countdown is dedicated to M-Bone Talbert, whose world got ended for him Sunday night. RIP M-Bone.]
Hurry! Hurry! This week only – and I mean that! There are only 4 shopping days left ’til the end of the world. In case you’ve been living under a rock – and I would not blame you one minute if you had been – I’m highlighting a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture, and I’m counting on YOU to comment if you haven’t yet with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9: People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8: Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7: Cheap Beer.
Number 6: Natural Disasters.
Number 5: Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4: Organized religions.
There are some really, really smart people out there. Many of them think that the smartest guy alive is a wheelchair-bound dude who needs speech-translation software to talk to us; yes, Stephen Hawking. It turns out that Stephen Hawking, when he’s not expounding on Time, the Universe, and All The Things, is an avid reader of the Big Ugly Man Doll. I believe this is a perfectly logical conclusion, and I base it on the fact that while he didn’t actually mention it in a recent interview, he was obviously rebutting my recent assertion that In Heaven, There Is No Beer.
Stephen Hawking believes in beer. He just doesn’t believe in heaven.
And that’s ok. But there are people – millions of them – who think he’s not just wrong, but so wrong that he should be censured and perhaps punished for saying that sort of thing in public. Many of these people, it turns out, tend to make their livelihoods by getting other people to give them money in exchange for telling them not only that is there a heaven, but also that they personally will be allowed to go there.
In return for this kind of public display of assurance, people have been known to commit more and bloodier atrocities than for nearly any other reason I can think of. Deus Vult! “God Wills It” was the rallying cry for the crusades – a bloody-minded fool’s errand for which the world continues to pay the price to this very day. Allahu Akbar! God is indeed great. If He’s that all-fired great, you would think He could just kill off His enemies without your help – and perhaps there’s a reason He hasn’t yet. Perhaps He’d prefer you stop meddling in His affairs for a few minutes so He can sort things out.
People who are divinely inspired to do really crazy stuff in the name of the god of their choice, out there by themselves – I have no problem with that. Sting sang it more succinctly than I can: “Men go crazy in congregations / They only get better one by one.” It’s the people who get together only with others of their own closeminded philosophies and decide that everyone else is wrong that worry me. The older I get, the more I lean toward Militant Agnosticism: “I Don’t Know, and You Don’t Either.” Really, soon enough we’re all going to find out – why rush things?
So please Lord, because I’m Not Gonna Miss your more vocal, vehement, violent followers – call the Rapture on May 21st. My buddy Stephen Hawking and I will expect our 72 virgins when we arrive.
AND some beer too, apparently. I, personally, would like to hang out in the non-virgins section of heaven – pretty sure it will be A LOT more fun. ;)
Adding another thing I will not miss when the rapture comes……….are politicians cheating on their wives with prostitutes, household staff, office staffers, and even the cigar got in the act. Sheesh what a way to disgrace a good cigar’s reputation. This post is for you Arnold, James (you know which states they are from), Gary, Gary again on the boat, Bill, and all others. Please do me a favor and quit issuing the following statements: “I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have apologized to (insert wife’s name here), my children and my family. I am truly sorry.” And my favorite description of the event is “behaved badly sometimes.”
The statements have become synonymous with politicians who are caught and are maybe included in internet resources on how to be a politician and what to do and say when you get caught. Insert sad face here :) while making the statement. Sad faces always along with remorse might keep some the votes. Thank you Arnold for bringing this to my attention today and I borrowed the press release statements from Arnold himself. I hope he will not mind if I use his words because cheating is excusable and acceptable behavior, right?
Lauren
P.S. If the rapture does not happen like it is supposed to, please wrap your johnsons!
See ya there Kecia! I’m personally hoping for Mojitos instead of beer.
Do you think the non-virgin area will be co-ed?
apparently, Stephen Hawking is wrong (not about the believing in beer part)… http://www.tmz.com/2011/05/17/kirk-cameron-to-hawking-heaven-does-exist/