Big Ugly Man Doll

Folks, the TV show Glee has made a few of your lists for things you’re Not Gonna Miss, and I can’t tell you how close it’s come to making mine.  It’s been a near thing.  They only have one sympathtic character, and they give her all the good lines.  (“You think that’s hard?  I’m counting down ’til the Rapture!  That’s hard!”)  I just can’t make myself suspend enough disbelief to give a damn.  I just don’t care if Finn and Shue have made up and are kissing again, or who Puck wants to bang today.  Shut up and sing already – I’ve seen better plots in porn movies.  But as much as I’m Not Gonna Miss it, it’s not bad enough to make the Top Ten list:

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.
Number 6:  Natural Disasters.
Number 5:  Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4:  Organized religions.
Number 3:  Dieting.

It’s been noted that diet is just “die” spelled with a T at the end, and I think there’s a reason for this.  Let’s face it, there’s a reason I’m not called the Small Ugly Man Doll – and it’s not all beer.   Most of us like a nice outing to the Fatty Snax deli at least once in a while – Mmmmm, butter, bacon, beef, it’s like a litany of deisre for my tastebuds.  Rich foods, that nice sharp chocolate, and a good Scotch – counting calories my eternally expanding ass, let’s eat!

In heaven, I won’t watch my cholesterol, my weight, my calorie intake, or my liver.  Or I’m not going.  Here on earth, I go to the Dr to hear that I should eat less and exercise more.  I’ve heard it often enough that I’m starting my own weight loss program – watch your bookshelves, because I’m going to publish shortly after the Rapture!  You know, in case anyone’s still here.

So please Lord, because I’m Not Gonna Miss watching my weight – call the Rapture on May 21st.  And have the grill fired up – let’s cook the golden Ox while we watch Glee re-runs.  Maybe there’s a plot in heaven.

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