Posts tagged ‘cubs’

Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 1

20 May, 2011 | | 2 Comments

OK, this is it.  There’s nothing penultimate about this one.  Today is the last full day before the end of the world as we know it.  How do you feel?  Tell me, how do you feel?

Right, I thought so.  I’ve been counting down all the things that I am Not Gonna Miss come the rapture tomorrow, and I have to confess I’m feeling pretty good about it all.  I’m not gonna miss the hair on The Donald, and I’m certainly not gonna miss Charlie Sheen and our loonyfauxtainment system – nor the prices we have to pay the damn cable companies to be loonyfauxtained. 

There are so many things that will end too soon, it’s true, and so many hopes and dreams will die unrealized when the world ends tomorrow afternoon.  Bummer. 

But of all the things I’m Not Gonna Miss, speaking of hopes and dreams that die unrealized, there’s one thing that was always going to stand out at the top of this list.

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.
Number 6:  Natural Disasters.
Number 5:  Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4:  Organized religions.
Number 3:  Dieting.
Number 2:  Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity.
Number 1:  Watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year.

You know, a friend of mine mentioned the other day that I seemed like an optimist.  “You amaze me,” she said, “you always seem to have faith that things will work out.”  I responded with the simple truth: Of course I have faith. I’m programmed to have faith. I’m a goddamn Cubs fan.  It’s what we do.

A lot can happen between May and October.  Just because we nearly lead the league in runs allowed doesn’t mean we can’t pull it out.  Right?  Just because we haven’t won a World Series in a century doesn’t mean we won’t win it this year.  This is next year!  Who’s with me?  Just because we haven’t even BEEN to a world series in 66 years doesn’t mean we won’t win it this year! 

Yeah, it does.  We won’t win it this year either.  We know.  But we’re still going to cheer.  We’re still going to have faith that things will work out.  We’re Cubs fans, after all.  It’s what we do.

So please God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year, call the Rapture tomorrow.  Because Harry Caray is waiting for us all in Heaven:  “Cubs win! Holy Cow!”

ManFAQ Friday: The Bond That Binds

28 January, 2011 | | 2 Comments

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:   What’s the deal with this male bonding business?

Answer:   Male bonding is a euphemism for spending time in a “safe” area, by which we mean a time and place where none of our bad habits will negatively impact our chances of Hey Hey later, yet still allow for some kind of social interaction.  We tend to pass stories, drinks, and gas while lying about how brave we are, how virile we are, and how the Cubs are sure to win the series this year

It’s a chance to talk to others of our kind, either to solicit tips about Hey Hey from guys who may have had sex with actual women, or to check out the competition, in a friendly way.  And by friendly, I mean drinking.  And by check out, I mean finding out if you can drink more than that other guy. 

It’s a chance to do all those things that we imagine you don’t like, to be uncivilized, uncouth, and generally improper.  Mind you, there’s a very real possibility that you wouldn’t, couldn’t, and in fact don’t give any kind of a damn about any of those things we do, since many are biological and biology textbooks indicate that you do many of them yourself.  But we need to rebel against something, and we both know it’s not going to be you, so we take a little time-out from proper society and we rebel against that, for as long as we can.  You know, until we run out of beer.

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

this is next year

11 July, 2008 | | No Comment

OK, OK, I know, it’s only July, but it has been ONE HUNDRED YEARS, and they do just happen to have the best record in baseball at the moment.  

You know, today.


At this very minute.

I’m sure that will change; after all, I’ve only been waiting for 39 years.  I know how this works.

But still.  It’s been 100 years. 

It’s time.

I’m just sayin’, is all.

And a Happy New Year to All

1 January, 2008 | | No Comment

And yes, the Big Ugly Man Doll is back from the round the world (by which I mean 5 states within reasonable proximity of one another) holiday tour, just in time to wish you, personally (Yes, you! I know you read this, and you know who you are!), where was I, you personally, and all your family, and whichever of your close friends you care to include, since 2008 is the year of being inclusive (I so declare), in any event, where were we, oh yes, to wish you and yours (as designated above) a Very Happy New Year.

I wish you the same number of landings as takeoffs in 2008.
I wish you few arrests and fewer convictions in 2008.
I wish you fewer headaches in 2008.
I wish you more backrubs in 2008.
I wish you would post more often in 2008.
I wish you more beer in 2008.
I wish you better entertainment in 2008.

And finally, as this first day of a hopeful new draws to its close, let me remind you of this: The Chicago Cubs last won the Series in 1908. The One-Hundred-Year Slump ends this year. This Year Is ‘Next Year’!!!