Posts tagged ‘number one daughter’

Why was 4th Grade never this much fun when we were in it?

2 December, 2008 | | No Comment

One of the many dangers of helping your kids with their homework is that you won’t be able to – sometimes for vastly different reasons. Number One Daughter got halfway through her homework this evening before shouting for help. The assignment was to take any eight of her 18 weekly study words and write at least 8 jokes, with a study word as the answer. 


You can imagine the issue. Can I write jokes? Don’t call me surely. Can I write the kind of jokes a ten-yr-old would come up with, that she can pass off as hers? You must be Lupin, ’cause you’re surely not Serious. I’m just not 10 anymore – no comments, you.


The words to choose from are: applaud, appoint, balloon, cocoon, counsel, coward, daughter, devour, doubtful, exploit, faucet, fountain, laundry, noodle, poison, rejoice, rowdy, shampoo. 


I thought I’d take a moment to share why I can’t do my daughter’s homework for her. The best I could do for her were the following:


  • What do you get when you cross a cow with a yard? A coward! 
  • Why was Sham in the bathroom? Because he had to shampoo. (They were begging for that.)
  • Why did Barack Obama appoint Hillary Clinton to be Secretary of State? He thought she had appoint!
  • If a cannibal divorces his wife, does he devour?

 The first two, OK, I’m channeling my inner child. The third, my kid, maybe. The last one, let’s face it, her teacher’s gonna know it’s not a 4th Grader writing anymore. And then there’s a whole list of “no, don’t write that down.”


  • What do you do when your teacher makes you read “Ulysses” twice? Rejoice! 
  • What do you do when Oon, the new girl in class, asks to meet you behind the bleachers? Balloon! 
  • What do airlines do with dyslexic pilots? Exploit them!
  • What did the Boston plumber advise when told the handle on the sink wouldn’t turn? Faucet!

 Please comment with your own examples. You will be graded on punctuation, spelling, and usage. (There will be no math.)


What Would Pink Bear Do?

7 November, 2008 | | No Comment

So there I was, contemplating good excuses for not having updated the Big Ugly Man Doll in way too long, when I was called away to Duty. And by Duty, I mean putting the kids to bed. 

Originally, SOBUMD and I decided, by which I mean she told me, that I should be the one to put them to bed since I didn’t see them most of the day, and this way I could have some bonding time with my lovely children, doting on them in much the same way that you’ll sometimes see a fat guy doting on a really good meal before he tucks into it or, in my case, tucks them into bed for the night. Now that they’re all older and mostly reading on their own, this doting generally involves ensuring the doffing of clothes, brushing of teeth, donning of PJs, hushing of cats, closing of closets, and finding of books, and ends with professions of love and admonitions not to read for too long and to sleep “tight,” whatever that means. (Luckily, they’ve never asked.) 

Tonight it included, as it so often does, researching the immortal question, “Why are you crying?” For the Reigning Queen of Pink was inconsolable to the point of being irritating, which while not exactly a huge feat still merits discussion. I finally got her to stop fussing long enough to whisper the trouble in my ear, “The Pink Bear.” 

Now I need to interject, because the remainder of the story requires knowledge of the evening, which involved Chinese food while watching GodSpell on DVD. All the kids have seen it several times, and they all wanted to see it again. They all sat through it and sang along – despite not finishing their lo mein.

Back to, where was I? Oh, of course, the Pink Bear. “What pink bear, hon?”   [Here let it be known that the accused stood and pointed across the room at her sister.] Ah, I should have known. The rest of the conversation went as follows:

BUMD:  Number One Daughter, what pink bear is she talking about?
Number One Daughter:  She gave it to me, and I told her she was going to cry later, but she said I could keep it.
BUMD:  RQP, did you give it to Number One Daughter?
RQP:  Yes but now I want it back.
BUMD:  Ah ha. OK, you really did give it to her, right?
RQP:  Yes I gave it to her but now I want it back now. [Those who rule by divine right don’t need to use a lot of commas.]
#1 Daughter:  She gave it to me.
BUMD, to RQP:  OK, why don’t you just lay down and I’ll tuck you in, and we’ll see what happens, OK?
RQP [suddenly cheerful]:  OK, goodnight Daddy!
[I walk over to #1 Daughter’s bed and lower my voice.]
BUMD: Where is this bear now?
#1 Daughter: It’s this jelly-bear thingy [here she points at 4 of them that she’s connected into a necklace/thingy]. She gave it to me, and I told her she was going to cry later, but she said I could keep it.
BUMD: Number One Daughter, if you knew that she was going to want it back, did she really ever give it to you?
#1 Daughter: [silence]
BUMD: Number One Daughter, you just watched GodSpell. What would Jesus tell you to do?
#1 Daughter:   [deafening silence]
BUMD: Number One Daughter, you must have known she’d want it back, because you told her she’d cry later. If you knew she was going to ask for it back, was it ever really yours?
#1 Daughter: She gave it to me.
BUMD: OK, you just watched the show, GodSpell. I think you know what Jesus would tell you to do in this situation. You’re a smart girl. Do the right thing. Good night!

And with that I left the room, after having laid a pretty heavy trip on a 10-yr-old who goes to church and CCD. I then, of course, waited outside the door to listen to what would unfold. 

Would she return the Pink Bear to the Reigning Queen of Pink? Would the Bear want to go if she did? And, what about Naomi? For the answers to these and other questions, tune in after the cut.