It’s Always the Pangolins With You People

Wu Yuanbin said that regarding the South China Agricultural University team’s suggestion that pangolin may be one of the intermediate hosts of the new coronavirus, the relevant scientific research team is being organized to test this hypothesis. Research on the spread of new coronavirus from pangolin to humans is also being stepped up.  (

What is it with you soft-bellied bipeds and taking responsibility for once?  New virus outbreak?  Blame the Pangolins.  Too many insects in the crops?  Blame the Pangolins.  Bernie won’t stop muddying the Democratic primaries?  Pangolins.  Why is it any time there’s a new global disaster, someone’s doing a Pangolin hit piece in the New Republic? 

Really, we’re getting pretty sick of taking the fall for every little thing that goes wrong with you people.  You’ve been doing it for years.  JFK?  Blame the Pangolins.  Do you know the most redacted word in the Mueller report?  Of course you don’t, that’s what redacted means, but I’ll give you a hint:  Starts with a P, rhymes with angolin. 

Kid won’t go the fuck to sleep?  Invoke the giant pangolins.  Like it’s our fault Mrs. Knowles brought cupcakes to preschool again and little Johnny ate more sugar than most third-world families see in a month.  Jimmy Hoffa?  Well, ok, yeah, that was us.  You do NOT fuck with a pangolin.  You’ll never find that crooked son of a bitch.  But that’s not the point.

The point is you don’t take responsibility.  Pangolins didn’t meddle in the election – humans did. Pangolins didn’t eat the plums in the icebox you were probably saving for breakfast.  Humans did.  Pangolins aren’t making sea levels rise, or causing respirator mask shortages, or forcing old rich white guys to run for president.  Quit blaming us for your shit, and take your “novel” coronavirus and stick it where the moon don’t shine.  I swear just thinking about it makes me want to curl up into an oversized pinecone and wait it out. 

So, sure, go ahead and tell yourselves it’s the Pangolins when you’re coughing all that Wuhan death-market dust out of your lungs.  How about not selling our scales as medicine for a change?  You know what I hear cures coronavirus?  Dried, ground up politician penis.  Try selling that on the black market.  It would be nice to balance the scales for once.  Scales, get it?  That’s a joke.  God, you’re dumb. 

The thing is, we don’t need to mess with you. You’re messing things up just fine on your own. You’re so full of yourselves and your xenophobic blame-someone-else mentality that you don’t even notice it – you’re like lemurs, but without the cute fur.  You don’t see lemurs complaining about new viruses. 

So just like the Earth, your temperature is going up 3 degrees?  We don’t care.

It’ll all be ours when you’re gone.  Then we can blame you for a change.

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