Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 2
“This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.” Well, we’ll never have to deal with another one – the world ends on Saturday. There are only two days left before the end of the world – 48 hours. Someone call Eddie Murphy.
- Demonic Cedarball Droppings
What, you don’t think we’re up against the Rapture? Check out the demon droppings caught in my friend Auntie Jenny’s cedar tree the other day. These appeared overnight, and since cedar was once sacred, we can be sure that this is a true vision of the coming mope-fest for sinners, the glorious ascension, the One Last Time to overplay REM on the radio – the End of Days.
Well, demonic cedar rust ball droppings are just one more thing on the big list of things I’m Not Gonna Miss come the Rapture. Here’s the list so far:
Number 10: Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9: People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8: Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7: Cheap Beer.
Number 6: Natural Disasters.
Number 5: Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4: Organized religions.
Number 3: Dieting.
Number 2: Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity.
You can name them as well as I can. In fact, recent polls suggest you can name them better than I can. Charlie Sheen. Lindsay Lohan. Cher, off and on. Charlie Sheen. Miley Cyrus. Britney Spears. Charlie Sheen. Paris Hilton, though who can blame her? Oh yeah, we can. Courtney Love, to say nothing of her late Kurt. Zevon said it: “It’s tough to be somebody. It’s hard to keep from falling apart. Here on Rehab Mountain, we all learn these things by heart.” And oh yeah, since he reminds me – Liza and Liz, back in the day. Oh, and let’s not forget Tiger’s Wood.
And this isn’t limited to “the arts” either – we have the best politicians money can buy, and you know what happens to them once they hit that “hey, I’m a famous person” threshold. Um, Arnold? Wouldn’t it have been cheaper just to get another gym membership? Did you really need to lift THOSE weights? (Sheesh, he married a Kennedy – don’t they have a support group for that sort of thing?)
I know it’s probably hard to teach your kids by example when they’re famous and you’re not, or if they didn’t grow up with that kind of money. But really, most of them didn’t wake up one morning and find out they were famous – can you not envision some warning system? In fact, I’m going to start one now, just in case anyone becomes dangerously famous between now and the Rapture! I hereby announce and declare the Elvis Alert, to be used when some poor poor pitiful fame-whore, celebretard, or news-hounding politico is coming close to the Charlie Sheen Line. If they’re mentioned on TMZ more than CNN, it could be time for an Elvis Alert.
So Lord – most famous of them all – please, because I’m Not Gonna Miss Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity, call the Rapture on May 21st. And please, take Charlie Sheen first, OK?
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