Posts tagged ‘horoscope’

The Last Hobbesian Horoscope, 12/28/12

28 December, 2012 | | 1 Comment

Happy Friday, and congratulations on having lived through the year, through the end of the Mayan calendar, and through the holidays!  You’ve spent all of 2012 catching up with your own personal astrological future, through weeks that were, by and large, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.  All the diseases were real, and there were several horrifying cases where some alert readers actually came down with a few of them – after I’d told you that you would. 

All of which is why I’m shutting down the Hobbesian Horoscope with this one.  With the coming of the new year, we’re going to close the books on those nasty, brutish weeks and get back – by popular demand – to the Friday ManFAQ.  So if you have a question you’d like answered, send it to me at – your anonymity is guaranteed.  While I will continue to help demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, this year as an exercise in helping new parents, we’re going to consider questions related to children as well – yes, that’s right:  A KidFAQ.  You know you want it! 

The horoscope was a good experiment, and like any experiment, it’s had it’s ups and downs.  Mostly, of course, downs.   It’s the goal of every horoscope to be accurate, but in this case it became a burden to stay true to its nasty, dark Hobbesian nature while not actually getting anyone killed – at least, not permanently – since I came to realize that most of the entries actually came to pass, as written.  I considered switching to an all sweetness and light format, but of course that doesn’t sell for shit. 

So thank you for reading and commenting on your horoscopes all this past year!  This one final week promises to be the very devil –  but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

AriesAries (The Ram):   Things will get bad.  Then things will get worse, and you will run out of time and money.  Yes, you will get stuck in Lodi.  Again. 

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):    You will find yourself living in a shotgun shack, wondering “My god, what have I done?”  You will watch the days go by this week.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Whipworm.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   This week, things will grow right under your feet, as you watch.  Try to be careful with them. 

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):    While the snow piles up around you, you’ll be wondering where you put your shovel.  It’s where you left it, under all that snow.  Your high-risk disease this week:  River Blindness.

LeoLeo (The Lion):   This is it – you’re going to end this week with a bang!  Luckily, you’ll shoot back.  It’ll be the loudest New Year’s Eve celebration in town!

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):    This week, you will be walking in the forest when a tree will fall right in front of it.  You won’t hear a thing, but no one will believe you.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Pinworm.

LibraLibra (The Scale):   You will be stymied this week in your eternal quest for justice when your iPhone turns into a brick just as you’re about to place the penultimate call.  Better luck next time.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   You’re going to get better this week, and that trend will continue into a great new year.  It won’t prevent you from contracting your high-risk disease this week:  Burkholderia.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):   Oh, what a week is in store for you!  Cupcakes and kittens and boots, oh my!  Oh what a week – and what a year.  Kittens in latex, baby. 

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):  This week you will look at your spouse and say, “Do you know why no one can make a car that will get through a Popeye’s drive through chicken stand and home without breaking down?  Because no one cares, that’s why!”  Your high-risk disease this week:  Venezuelan Hemorrhagic Fever.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):   This is it – your last horoscope.  Were you expecting fanfare?  This will be a week like any other, until it ends.  Ride it like a bear on a bull in a bar just outside Lubbock. 

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  You know what your week will be like?   Sex.  Are you going to complain about it?  Nope.  Your last remaining high-risk disease:  Smallpox.


The Hobbesian Horoscope, 12/21/12

21 December, 2012 | | 2 Comments

Happy End of the World!  It’s the last day of the Mayan Calendar, and so you won’t have another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week – won’t happen.  It’s over, dude!

AriesAries (The Ram):   No horoscope needed – world’s going to end.  High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week:  Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):   Dude, the world’s going to end, no horoscope this week – or ever again. 

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   Dude, it’s the end of the world as we know it.  How do you feel?  High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week:  Rift Valley Fever.

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):    You should have ordered those flowers to be delivered sooner – too late now!

LeoLeo (The Lion):   Hey, if you were planning on getting one last ride in, tonight’s the night.  Don’t need to worry about leaving the gas on the stove, you know?  Enjoy the end of the world!  High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week:  Tinea Cruris.

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):     That’s it – if you’re a virgin now, you’re going to dance with the unicorns in the next life.  Not getting laid next week.

LibraLibra (The Scale):   No worries about bad things happening next week – nor good things, for that matter.  You’re done.  We’re all done.  Buh-Bye.  High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week:  Rhinovirus.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   If you *were* going to have a week, it would be filled with recuperating and getting better slowly.  But you’re not. 

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):   Thank you for enjoying the end of the world.  Please exit through the gift shop.  No week to worry about next week.  High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week:  Rickettsia.

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):  Man, why are you still reading this?  World = over.  Forget it. 

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):    Mother always did love you best.  High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week:  Shingles.

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  Those Mayans had better have been right. 


The Hobbesian Horoscope, 12/14/12

14 December, 2012 | | 2 Comments

On this Friday, 12/14/12, in light of the recent and tragic events in Newtown, Connecticut, I’ve decided there’s enough nastiness, brutality, and horror in the world today.  This time, everybody reading this gets to have a nice week for a change.   So please keep the families in Newtown in your hearts today, and read on for your own personal astrological future!  Read without fear!   

AriesAries (The Ram):   You won’t believe your luck this week, when that person you’ve been glancing at finally glances back – and smiles.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):    This week, you will find something stuck to the bottom of your shoe.  Disgust will cycle quickly to elation when you notice it’s a $20 bill.  High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week:  Parasitic Fly Larvae.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   Like Harry Freakin’ Potter, you’re going to suffer, but you’re going to feel good about it.  More to the point, you’re going to feel better afterward.  A lot better!

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):   The contract you put that proposal in for last month will finally be awarded to someone else – but when the protest is settled, they’ll be thrown out and you’ll be chosen!  High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week:  Scabies.

LeoLeo (The Lion):   You will learn great things this week, that may change the way you see the world – for the better.  As a bonus, there will be beer involved!

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):   All your diseases will be in remission this week – at the same time!  Enjoy your first  week completely rash-free since 2007!   High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week:  Pasteurellosis.

LibraLibra (The Scale):   Time magazine may pass you over for Man of the Year again this week, but you’ll be widely recognized as “one cool and froody dude.”   

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   You will get help from friends you didn’t even know you had this week, plus from many that you did.  You will learn from this, and be enriched – in your mind and in your heart.  High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week:  Rat-Bite Fever.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):   The awesomeness of your week can only be described with the following words:  Naked kitten cupcakes!

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):  The mandatory training in your office that you were putting off and putting off taking will be cancelled this week.  Remember, hard work may pay off later, but procrastination always pays off right now.  High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week:  Toxoplasmosis.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):    For a pleasant change, your computer will actually work without that annoying buzzing noise – all week!

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  No, really, you deserve a decent week.  This week, you will actually complete almost 90 percent of the things you start!  High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week:  Pediculosis Pubis.


The Hobbesian Horoscope, 12/7/12

7 December, 2012 | | No Comment

Friday, December 7th – a day that shall live in infamy, but hopefully not because of your horoscope.  It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

AriesAries (The Ram):   While getting ready for the holidays, you will have a tragic baking-related accident.  Those pastries can take your head off, man.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Kingella.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):    You really need to get out more.  It won’t make you feel better, but hey.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   This will be a good week for getting back into the swing of things, like surgery.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Lockjaw.

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):    This week you will start taking 10,000 IUs of vitamin D.  Every day.  By Wednesday, you’ll feel better than you have in years.  By Thursday, you won’t remember your name.  Remember to taper off!

LeoLeo (The Lion):   It’s a great week for watermelon.  They’re not in season, though, so you’ll have to make due with grapes.  Think of them as tiny watermelons and you’ll be find.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Metagonimiasis.

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):    You don’t even want to get out of bed this week.  Just stay under the covers – your pillow is calling.  It’ll be worth it – there’s nothing out there you’re going to enjoy this week. 

LibraLibra (The Scale):   Your high-risk disease this week:  Paracoccidioidomycosis.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   You will embark on a dangerous mission this week, one from which you might not return.  That’s right – it’s time to raid the castle! 

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):   You’re the best, and you know it, because you say you are.  That’s all it takes.  The rest of them can just crawl at your feet!  Your high-risk disease this week:  Molluscum.

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):  On Tuesday, you’ll notice that it’s cold outside, and bring your coat.  On Wednesday, you’ll notice that it’s cold outside, and wonder where the hell you left your coat – and pants.  On Thursday, you’ll notice that it’s cold outside, and remember bits and pieces of Tuesday night, but not enough to figure out where your clothes ended up.  Oh, and you might want to get that tested.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):   You will travel to Paraguay this week, but not for vacation.  You will need to find a 1500 year old stone artifact, a Zippo lighter from WWII, and an Angry Birds doll if you hope to make it home alive! Your high-risk disease this week:  Paragonimiasis.

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  This week, you should really try to get off Facebook and find a life.  You’re not even writing anymore.  Sheesh. 


The Hobbesian Horoscope, 11/30/12

30 November, 2012 | | No Comment

Happy Friday, here at the arse end of November!  It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

AriesAries (The Ram):   You will be stuck in an elevator with one of those people who can’t stop talking.  After an hour, your ears will have fallen off and your mind will be ready to melt. 

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):    You’ll be faced with another Saturday night when you ain’t got nobody.  You’ll have a little money, but you won’t get laid.  You’ll wish you had someone to talk to.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Chromoblastomycosis.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   This is a great week for driving.  Not leaving, or arriving, just driving.  Remember that the road is the destination, and the destination is the road.  Except for the Dan Ryan Expressway – that’s just gonna suck.

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):   So there you’ll be, ready for that job interview, when your prospective employer hands you a cup of coffee to put you at your ease.  When you drop it and splash scalding hot coffee all over her white open-toed high heels, how likely do you think your chances are of being offered the job? Your high-risk disease this week:  Human Ewingii Ehrlichiosis.

LeoLeo (The Lion):   This is a great week to have your prostate checked.  Don’t have one?  Check someone else’s prostate. 

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):    Have you ever had the kind of week where you wind up in Las Vegas and never leave your hotel room?  That’s the kind of week you’re looking at, except you’re in Akron, Ohio. Your high-risk disease this week:  Hymenolepiasis.

LibraLibra (The Scale):   This is a great week for giving presentations.  Do you remember that dream where you’re giving a presentation and realize you’re not wearing pants?  You’re not dreaming this time.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   This week you will identify most drinks by the second sip; you can tell the difference between single malt and Irish whiskey by smell alone.  The problem – you’re 14 years old. Your high-risk disease this week:  Cirrhosis.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):   It’s another tequila cupcake.  Give the cats a shot of whipped cream, and wonder why the cake pans always stick – just makes you sick.

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):  This week, the checkout boy at the grocery store is going to give you the hairy eyeball as you come through his line with a zucchini, a cucumber, a parsnip, a banana, and a carrot.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Keratitis. 

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):    You’re going to have to pick up after yourself all week, since the maid’s on vacation.  Sucks to be you, particularly since you’re a messy eater, aren’t you?

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  You’ll wind up having to eat your words this week, after telling so many people that any 12 folks who can’t get themselves out of jury duty aren’t your peers – you’ve got jury duty. Your high-risk disease this week:  Marburg.