Happy Friday, and congratulations on having lived through the year, through the end of the Mayan calendar, and through the holidays! You’ve spent all of 2012 catching up with your own personal astrological future, through weeks that were, by and large, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. All the diseases were real, and there were several horrifying cases where some alert readers actually came down with a few of them – after I’d told you that you would.
All of which is why I’m shutting down the Hobbesian Horoscope with this one. With the coming of the new year, we’re going to close the books on those nasty, brutish weeks and get back – by popular demand – to the Friday ManFAQ. So if you have a question you’d like answered, send it to me at BUMD@BigUglyManDoll.com – your anonymity is guaranteed. While I will continue to help demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, this year as an exercise in helping new parents, we’re going to consider questions related to children as well – yes, that’s right: A KidFAQ. You know you want it!
The horoscope was a good experiment, and like any experiment, it’s had it’s ups and downs. Mostly, of course, downs. It’s the goal of every horoscope to be accurate, but in this case it became a burden to stay true to its nasty, dark Hobbesian nature while not actually getting anyone killed – at least, not permanently – since I came to realize that most of the entries actually came to pass, as written. I considered switching to an all sweetness and light format, but of course that doesn’t sell for shit.
So thank you for reading and commenting on your horoscopes all this past year! This one final week promises to be the very devil – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): Things will get bad. Then things will get worse, and you will run out of time and money. Yes, you will get stuck in Lodi. Again.
Taurus (The Bull): You will find yourself living in a shotgun shack, wondering “My god, what have I done?” You will watch the days go by this week. Your high-risk disease this week: Whipworm.
Gemini (The Twins): This week, things will grow right under your feet, as you watch. Try to be careful with them.
Cancer (The Crab): While the snow piles up around you, you’ll be wondering where you put your shovel. It’s where you left it, under all that snow. Your high-risk disease this week: River Blindness.
Leo (The Lion): This is it – you’re going to end this week with a bang! Luckily, you’ll shoot back. It’ll be the loudest New Year’s Eve celebration in town!
Virgo (The Virgin): This week, you will be walking in the forest when a tree will fall right in front of it. You won’t hear a thing, but no one will believe you. Your high-risk disease this week: Pinworm.
Libra (The Scale): You will be stymied this week in your eternal quest for justice when your iPhone turns into a brick just as you’re about to place the penultimate call. Better luck next time.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You’re going to get better this week, and that trend will continue into a great new year. It won’t prevent you from contracting your high-risk disease this week: Burkholderia.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Oh, what a week is in store for you! Cupcakes and kittens and boots, oh my! Oh what a week – and what a year. Kittens in latex, baby.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This week you will look at your spouse and say, “Do you know why no one can make a car that will get through a Popeye’s drive through chicken stand and home without breaking down? Because no one cares, that’s why!” Your high-risk disease this week: Venezuelan Hemorrhagic Fever.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): This is it – your last horoscope. Were you expecting fanfare? This will be a week like any other, until it ends. Ride it like a bear on a bull in a bar just outside Lubbock.
Pisces (The Fish): You know what your week will be like? Sex. Are you going to complain about it? Nope. Your last remaining high-risk disease: Smallpox.