Big Ugly Man Doll

There are only 8 days left until the end of the world.  That’s 192 hours.  Only 11,520 minutes to the Rapture. 

That’s 11,520 minutes that we still have to live with a whole lotta stuff that we’re Not Gonna Miss when the world ends on Saturday, May 21, such as:

10.  Donald Trump’s Hair
9.  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
8.  Facebook status message memes.

Please re-post this as your status if you or someone you know has been affected by the End of Days. The Rapture has affected millions – and polls show 3 of 4 people make up nearly 75% of the population! I know only 3% will repost this and a damn sight fewer will be caught up in any Rapture. Please, support Rapture awareness by leaving this as your status for an hour, and include this handy link:  http://bit.ly/mr5Q1T

Come on, God.  Call the Rapture on May 21st, because I am so Not Gonna Miss those crazy Facebook status update memes.  Or at least post the above on Your divine Page – I could really use the ad revenue.  You know, in case the world doesn’t end.

Tags: Children // 1 Comment »

We’re into single digits – there are now only 9 full days left ’til the end of the world.  In case you still doubt, yesterday was to mark the destruction of Rome.  Hundreds of people fled the city; luckily for them, Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day. 

Anyway, I’m highlighting a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture.  Please continue to comment with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.

Every winter in the Northern hemisphere, people take time out from meebling about their pathetic little lives to “count their blessings.”  They give thanks for things they take for granted, like cars, and for things that really matter to them and make a positive difference in their lives, like the latest episode of Glee.  Then they get in their cars, humming unrecognizable versions of songs you were too stoned to remember the first time they were hits, and stop halfway up the icy hill.

It doesn’t matter where you are, what state, how much snow you do or don’t get – there’s always some idiot who chickens out halfway up the damn hill and can’t get started again, despite having paid extra for the Sport-n-Weather Package down at the Gas-n-Go, with those cute Pirelli tires starting to spin as they slide to the right and then sideways back down the hill, looking more surprised than embarrassed.  They’re usually right in front of me.  What is so hard about this?  Don’t stop on the hill.  Don’t. Stop. On. The. Hill.   SOBUMD and I will open the curtains and a bottle of wine on a snowy day, counting morons as they stop on the hill and go sliding.   Bonus points for busses.

So God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss people who can’t drive in bad weather – call the Rapture on May 21.

Tags: Children // 6 Comments »

Dear Number One Son,

I know you’re 25 now, but I’m writing to your 10-yr-old self.  I want to thank you, now, for eating that stash of Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs I’d hidden at the top of the freezer.  You probably know by now that they go on sale right after Easter, and that I can only resist for so long.  With your meds suppressing your appetite, I know that you needed the sugar way more than I did, and I’m glad you ate them.   Instead of me eating them. 

Really.

In case I forget to thank you later.

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

There are only 10 days left ’til the end of the world, per the internet, which is the only news source worth quoting anymore and therefore it must be true.  I know, we’ve come close before , but we here at Big Ugly Central are reliably informed that this is the real deal.  We’re planning a huge May 21 End Of The World party to celebrate the Rapture, when there will be no more future, no more past, the judgment, the end of everything on earth, the end of Time.  Rain date is May 22.

So, with 10 days to go, I’m going to highlight a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS when the freakin’ world ends.

Sure, there will be moaning and great gnashing of teeth (don’t worry if you don’t have any, I’m reliably informed that teeth will be provided for your gnashing pleasure).  Sure, there will be pain and suffering and right bad weather.  Sure, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and we feel fine.  But despite all that, despite all the good things that will end too soon come the Rapture, there’s a host of things that, let’s face it, you’re Not Gonna Miss.  Please feel free to comment with your own NGM comments as well – I’ll tally them all up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end!  For right now, I’m going to kick this off with:

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.

For the love of all that is holy, please God, call the Rapture early so we don’t have to see any more of that bird’s nest on the head of the Donald.  Really.  You called home the peacock on Herbert Haft’s head, you seem to have calmed the storm of Don King’s superglued coiffure, and I no longer wanna get me an Al Sharpton haircut.  If the Donald buys his way onto the Republican ticket, I worry that his legions of preppie minions will be marching in peaceful demonstration, arm in Armani-clad arm, singing “We Shall Overcomb” though the streets of New York.

So God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss the Donald’s Hair – call the Rapture on May 21.

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

Thus I have heard:  We live in the end of days, and 21 May 2011 will be the last day.   The internets told me so, and the very fundimentalist Christians told the internets.   Since it’s on the internet, it must be true.  Therefore, starting tomorrow, I’m going to start counting down the top ten things thatI’m Not Gonna Miss, come the Rapture. 

Tell me, tell me, readers – what are YOU Not Gonna Miss when the world ends?   Will your pet peeve make the list?   Comments here – and remember, you only have 11 days to go!

Tags: Children // 11 Comments »