This may be my last post….

There are plenty of people who believe that the Large Hadron Collider, CERNs gigantic underground particle accelerator, will re-create the moment of the big bang that created the universe. There are plenty more people who believe that Dr. Frankenstein has really overreached his grasp this time – that as they try to peer into the deepest past of the universe, the LHC will create tiny blacks hole, which "could eat the Earth."  My favorite part is that the objections are based on CERNs failure to provide an environmental impact statement, on grounds that this is a major government action "significantly affecting the quality of the human environment."

Yeah, I can see the paperwork on that.  Just to save everyone some time, I’m posting the first draft here:

Introduction:  We’re CERN, baby.  Do you live around here often?  What’s your sign?

Purpose of LHC:  To boldly collide opposing beams of protons charged with approximately 7 TeVs of energy where no beams have been collided before. 

Need for LHC:  Ever heard of E=MC2?  He was one of us.  We need to reach, to know, to learn.  As we think, so we dream; as we create, so we become.  And besides, we love blowing stuff up.  We’re kids at heart. 

Affected Environment:  Whole goddamm planet, and a sizeable chunk of the solar system. 

Range of Alternatives
Alternative 1:  Well, I guess we could just not turn it on.
Alternative 2:  Instead of colliding the beams, we could cross them!
Alternative 3:  Just Do It.

Environmental Impacts
Alternative 1, Don’t turn it on:  Seems like a waste.  It’s so pretty. 
Alternative 2, Cross the beams:  Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Alternative 3, Nike:  Might create a few Black Holes here and there.  Eh, just little ones – very tame, is no worry.


The best part is that if the doom-sayers are wrong, science will be vindicated.  If they’re right – we’ll never know, and they won’t get to gloat!

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