Big Ugly Man Doll

Here we are, another Friday, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ.  Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. 

What could go wrong?

Question:  What’s the deal with the low pants?

Answer:   Well, and you have to understand that since I am, relatively speaking, not merely a Big and Ugly but also an Old Man Doll, I am not afflicted with this particular syndrome myself, but I can safely conjecture about the deal, as you say, with the low pants, because I am a Real Man, and despite the fact that I tend to wear my pants hiked up around my navel, I understand these things. 

Started well, that sentence.  It got away from me.   Sorry about that.   Anyway, some guys wear their pants low because they want to you notice their rock hard washboard waists and abs, and then, with your eyes already drawn down, hope that you will become contemplative of what else they might have to offer in the rock hard department.  This has never been observed to actually work in practice, but it doesn’t stop them from thinking like that. 

Some guys wear the low-riding pants as a daredevil move, tempting fate to pants them in public.  Others have simply lost a good amount of weight recently, and haven’t gotten around to buying new pants yet. 

Mostly, though, low pants are a mark of low IQ, and as such natural selection tends to correct for this over time.  For instance, when being chased by something hungry and with more teeth than himself, most guys will run away.  The guy in the baggies with his belt around his knees is at an immediate and obvious disadvantage there.  This is also true in the procreation department, since most women will look at two otherwise identical specimens and choose the guy who looks like he’s actually dressed.   Most of the time, anyway.   

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

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OK, as promised in my annual state of the year address on the 1st, I’m taking a more active role in managing 2013 – I’ll be giving it ratings and marks on a monthly basis, and we’ll see if we can’t dress it up and take it out by the time December rolls around.  After all, the 21st Century is now a teenager. 

Without further ado, let’s start with the number one story of the year, which is that Starbucks plans to open a coffee shop in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, finally putting an end to the war in that country.  That’s it, folks – it took a long time, but we’ve won.  Jane Fonda owes us all Venti Caramel HoChiFrappaMihnos. 

In other news, car sales for the month are up – good – but after going 220 days without a tornado fatality in the US, January decided to rock that clock, killing one person and injuring at least 17 others across several states.  Gotta take some serious points off for that kind of thing, January.  There was another up and down ride this month as well, with first managing to avert the Fiscal Cliff – a solid plus – and then Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D was released.  So, a net minus there. 

The month picked up some big points for the inauguration, with the nation’s first Muslim president taking the oath of office for the 4th time – the most oaths since our most recent Roosevelt.  Also scoring some big points for January, Pakistani schoolgirl blogger Malala Yousafzai was discharged from a hospital in the UK, despite having been shot by the Taliban last October for being brave, bold, and bigger than life.  That’s a serious A++ right there.  On the downside, hostage taking is on the rise, from Algeria to Alabama to Aurora, Colorado.  On a scale of one to ten, that’s a minus five per hostage.  Not a good score there, which lead to the on-again off-again gun control discussions you’ve been hearing.  We’ll be tracking that as the semester, er, year, progresses. 

A new inquest began this month into the death of British singer Amy Winehouse after it was discovered that the original coroner was not qualified to conduct the inquiry because he was, quote “just out of rehab himself.”  (His initial report had indicated that he was “pretty sure she was dead.  Really, she looks dead.”)  A second inquiry into Winehouse’s death concluded that the singer died of alcohol poisoning, noting that her last words were evidently “No, no, no.”  Speaking of poisoning, an Ilinois man was determined to have died of cyanide poisoning after winning the lottery this month.  His last words were reported as, “Honey, I want a divorce.  Hey, what’s in this drink?” 

Back to the gun debate:  This month, a 16-yr-old opened fire inside a classroom in California, two people were killed in a community college in Kentucky, a gunman opened fire on a college campus in Texas, a 14-year-old was shot in Atlanta, and writer Stephen King issued a 25-page essay calling for gun control.  OK folks – when Stephen effing King tells you that you need to think up new ways of killing one another, because what you’re doing encroaches on his realm of “fictional horror,” you might need to consider a new hobby.   I’m just saying, is all.   Still scoring a low “D” on that front.

In other news concerning our ability to kill each other, the United States Armed Forces overturned its ban on women serving in combat, potentially clearing the way for women to serve in front-line units and elite commando forces.  This is widely seen as acceptance that woman are just as willing and able to shank a bitch as the next guy. 

In technology news, Boeing 787 aircraft were grounded worldwide over concerns about the safety of their lithium-ion batteries.  Am I the only one concerned that the newest and largest jet on the Boeing lot is powered by the same batteries that I use in my Blackberry?  I can just see some pilot having to land that monster halfway across Nowhere, Indiana, to re-charge the damn plane because he had to take one more call.  Also in early January, NASA scientists beamed a picture of Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece, the Mona Lisa, to a spacecraft orbiting the Moon.  The moon not only had no comment, but, like the rest of the earth, had no idea if she was smiling or frowning. 

Also in space news, NASA’s Kepler space telescope was placed in a precautionary 10-day safe mode after engineers noticed a problem with the instrument’s orientation mechanism – they were worried that it was a problem with the latest Windows 8 updates.  It turned out that Kepler had been focused pretty much exclusively on the Kardashians.  Can’t give January more than a C on that one. 

In politics, former Mayor of New Orleans Ray Nagin was indicted on 21 counts including fraud, embezzlement, money laundering, bribery, and tax evasion.  Say it with me – shocked, shocked we are.   In international news, tens of thousands of people rallied in Paris in support of the legalisation of gay marriage.  Since most of us thought France was pretty gay to start with, that’s a push – good job showing the US how civilized countries do it, but no real news there.

All in all, January gets a “C” from the Big Ugly Man Doll.  I want 2013 to try to cut down on hostages and tornados in the next 4 weeks.  We’ll revisit the grades in the month or so.  In the meantime, keep your gum in your mouth and your pants above your hips.  I don’t care if your hips don’t lie – January’s hips lie like rugs.  Run with it, but study your ass off.  Come on 2013 – I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record.

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It’s Groundhog Day, which is when otherwise intelligent people take a break from listening to the usual set of rodents telling them what the weather will be like for a while, and instead tune into a specific rodent for their precipitory prognostication, despite the fact that there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about the weather regardless of who’s lying to them about it. 

For the record, the Big Ugly Man Doll woke this morning before the sunrise to the sounds of “Daddy, you’re going to need the plunger because it won’t flush.”  Arising from my bed, I saw the long shadow of the next 6 weeks stretching out before me, filled with snow, slush, sun, and not enough beer in the world.  Based on this, I can reasonably predict the next 6 week will continue to be cold and shitty, not that there’s a damn thing you can do about it.

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Here we are, kicking off February with a Friday, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ.  Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. 

What could go wrong?

Question:  What makes him flirt with everyone who walks past in heels and a skirt?  I had to tell him the last one was a drag queen, for god sake!

Answer:   There are many reasons for this; good reasons, bad reasons, new reasons, old reasons.  Among them include the more obvious, such as “he’s an asshole,” and the more esoteric, to wit, “he’s evolved to be predisposed to spread his genetic code as far as he can,” i.e., he’s an asshole.  Let’s dive deeper.

When he sees a beautiful woman, most of his neural network goes into “reset” mode.  Those of us who process information faster tend to snap out of it in a second or two, but trust me that all of us do this.  It’s not that he doesn’t like you, love you, or respect you – it’s not even that he thinks she’s better looking than you are.  It’s just that for that blip of time while his brain is resetting, he’s forgotten you exist, much less that you exist in a state of mounting irritation since you’re sitting across from him and he’s starting to drool. 

He’s flirting because he’s wired that way – short skirt, long hair, it’s an automatic reflex.  The problem is that he’s forgetting you’re there, watching him “innocently talking” to a 22-yr-old bombshell who probably thinks he looks like her dad.  If you hit him hard enough, he’ll snap out of it – unless there are pheromones involved.   Trust me, if his subconscious thinks she smells like motherhood and apple pie, you’ve probably noticed that you need a two-by-four.  There’s a reason some perfumes are banned in Boston, baby. 

So try to not beat him up too badly – remember he’s not really driving the bus, doing most of the thinking, most of the time.  A simple “eyes over here, buster” should usually push the reset button back where it should be.  Also, Chanel #5 is better than a 2×4 every day. 

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

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Here we are, another Friday, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ. Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.

What could go wrong?

Question: Why is it that almost all of his “plans” are spontaneous? I’d like to go to a movie or dinner, sure, but not tonight. Why does it seem like he doesn’t think more than 5 minutes ahead?

Answer: There are number of reasons for this, some of which were covered more specifically under Planning Parties. More generically, we tend to think about “the future” in two distinct categories:

1. A period of time not exceeding the next 12 hours.
2. “You know, a while from now,” which includes a range as soon as “tomorrow” and as late as “sometime in this life or the next.”

Needless to say, we don’t spend a lot of time on the second category. That leaves the next few hours as our primary focus. This is because we are thinking about Hey Hey, and we don’t think about Hey Hey in the abstract – we think about it as something we’d like to do RIGHT NOW. The net effect of this, of course, is that if we’re asking you about plans, the little guy doing the thinking isn’t doing any long term planning, he’s thinking about tonight.

Having established who’s doing this so-called “planning,” you can safely assume that any plans that involve you and the next few hours are, in his mind, plans that could conceivably lead to Hey Hey. (Take this as flattering or not, as you will.)

So why do we not plan for that second category of time, that amorphous future sometime between more than 12 hours from now and forever? Now that you know who’s doing the planning, can you really expect long-term thinking from a 6-inch-tall dude who spends 99% of his time hanging out in the dark with a couple of nuts? Really, that might be asking too much. The next 5 minutes are all he plans for, because really, that’s about all his headlights are illuminating, if you know what I mean.

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment! Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com! As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

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