Big Ugly Man Doll

Here we are on the Ides of March, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ.  Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.

Like Caesar said, “What could go wrong?”

Question:  Why does the maintenance guy assume you do the maintenance around the house?  “You might want to tell your husband to put the date on the new filters.”  My husband wouldn’t know what the HVAC filter looked like if I broke it over his head – why is it automatically assumed that he changes it? 

Answer:  As much as I want to say, “Oh, no, he did NOT?” and do the whole neckrole thing like my friend Angie taught me, I can’t – not just because I’m whiter than chalk, but because it wouldn’t be credible.  Of course the maintenance dude assumes the man around the house is doing the dirty, manly jobs that require strength and technical know how.  After all, he’s there doing those things, and he’s a man.  He just doesn’t realize that you’re the one holding the remote in your relationship, or that the track lighting wasn’t your idea.

Is there any end to these bitter questions of gender stereotyping?  I sure hope not, or the ManFAQ would be out of a job.  But in the meantime, let’s examine the motives of the maintenance dude.  He’s there with you.  We’ll assume you have a pulse, so it’s a safe bet that he’s already thought about what you’d be like in bed.  In assuming out loud that it’s your husband who would be changing the air filters, he’s obliquely asked you if you have a husband.

Not to assume too much creepiness on the part of our probably innocent maintenance dude, but your safest answer is, “Oh, you can probably tell him yourself, he should be home any minute.”  Another good answer might be, “I would, but I shot the son of a bitch last year, and serve him right, too.”  I’m just saying, is all.

But it’s true, regardless of intent, most guys assume it’s the guy who’ll be servicing the equipment.  If you know what I mean.  He probably means it as a compliment – he can’t imagine you demeaning yourself to do something so base and low like changing that filter.  You’re a domestic goddess in his eyes, charged only with writing his check and fueling his equipment-servicing fantasies later that evening.

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

Tags: Children // Add Comment »

Here we are, another Friday, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ.  Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.

What could go wrong?

Question:  Why don’t more men seem to want to be active partners in planning the wedding? 

Answer:   While I am the last person to use gross gender stereotypes, or if not absolutely the last, I did it as recently as this morning when an Asian lady cut me off in traffic, I think we can safely assume that most little boys don’t grow up thinking about wedding dresses and veils and trains.  There are exceptions, certainly, but it’s equally certainly that the little boys who did grow up thinking about wedding gowns and such aren’t marrying you, they’re marrying guys with similar interests.  (In fact, one of the funniest arguments in defense of gay marriage I’ve ever heard boiled down to “Why shouldn’t gay men have to suffer through the damned weddings like the rest of us?”)  Besides, we’ve already established that most of us can’t plan worth a damn.  He can’t get a simple birthday bash together – why would you think he’d be any better with a wedding?

Most guys, if you’ve landed a decent one, will be happy to do what you tell him to get ready for the wedding.  Our society has trained him to believe that this is your special day – not his.  (He’s hoping to get through it, so you two can get to your special night, which he’s been looking forward to for a long time.)  But the color of the the bunting around the windows?  To invite your Great Aunt Tessie or not?  Floral or solids for the bridesmaid dresses?  He doesn’t really care, as long as you’re happy.  Since he’s pretty much genetically incapable of caring about many of those details, he’s going to shut up and wait for you to tell him what you want him to do.  Oh, sure, if you press him he’ll differentiate between the cream, the ecru, and the off-off-white dress fabrics, but if you think his heart’s not it in, you’re right.  From the moment he proposed to you – or you proposed to him – to the moment you wake up next to each other as a married couple and think “oh holy shit what did I just do,” fully half his waking hours are spent thinking about Mythical Epic Wedding Night Hey Hey.

He wonders if it’s different when you’re married.  He wonders if married guys really do have sex more often than single guys.  He wonders if it will still be epic if his tequilibido kicks in during the reception.  But mostly, he wonders what Mythical Epic Wedding Night Hey Hey will be like.

This is how many women wind up with really large engagement rings.  “I like that one!”  “Huh? What, uh, OK.”  He’s not paying attention.  Don’t worry, you’ll have his attention back on your wedding night.  His full attention!

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

Tags: Children // 1 Comment »

Here we are, another Friday, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ.  Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.

What could go wrong?

Question:  Why does he always seem to think he wants a little Hey Hey after he’s been drinking?  He can’t actually do anything in that condition – why does he want to try? 

Answer:  Here I have to coin a new term for you.  Welcome to what we shall call a man’s tequilibido.

His tequilibido is usually a function of how much he’s had to drink, how long it’s been since he last had sex (if he’s over 25), and what he usually thinks his chances are with you.  (If he’s under 25, the question of how long it’s been since he last had sex is irrelevant if we’re working in time increments larger than “the last 15 minutes.”)  Like they say south of the border, “Tómame como al Tequila – de un golpe y sin pensarlo.”  And, really, that’s about his level of thought after what he’s had to drink – “Hey, I got all the way here, we should totally celebrate that!  With some good, life-affirming, baby-making sex!  Yeah!”  After all, he didn’t even get arrested on the way home, even though he probably should have been.  He’s thinking it’s his lucky night!

And he sounds sincere, doesn’t he?  He really wants to, and he’s probably got your clothes off.  Now he’s standing there, looking at you, and looking down, and wondering what the hell’s happened.  He’s perplexed.  Please, be gentle.  If he’s over 25, this is about to be a rude awakening for him – because that’s really not going to work.  Trust that it’s not you – you could be as hot as that girl you wished you looked like on the cover of last week’s magazine and those hydraulics still wouldn’t be working.  Maybe you are as hot as that girl on the cover of last week’s magazine.  It doesn’t matter.  The Tequila is telling his brain “yes, now, here, her” and it’s telling his little buddy, “dude, once he’s asleep, let’s shave him! HAhahahaha!”

He thinks it’s a great idea.  He firmly believes it.  And he’s going to do it again the next time, because he won’t remember tonight either.

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

Tags: Children // Add Comment »

Here we are, another Friday, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ.  Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.

What could go wrong?

Question:  My husband was complaining about the large conference area in his office; it seats around 100 people, but the men’s room only has a single urinal.  I asked him why you guys can’t double up on a urinal, and he looked at me like I’d suggested he kiss the other guy on the mouth.  What’s the big deal? 

Answer:  I’ll concede that we’re built in such a fashion that you would think this would be feasible.  But it isn’t. 

Many years ago, I read a brilliant essay concerning universal rules.  One of those rules concerned the men’s room, and the fact that you DON’T LOOK AT WHAT THE OTHER GUY IS DOING.  You mind, as it were, your own business.  You hope he’s doing the same thing you’re doing, but you don’t look over to check.  It’s just not done.

Even in restrooms that maximize what I will call urinary efficiency, which cover an entire wall with porcelain and add a few waterfalls here and there, we men will stand in reasonably close quarters to do what we need to do – but we do not cross the streams.  It’s not that all life as we know it would stop instantaneously or that every molecule in our body would explode at the speed of light, but still – it’s just not done.  Part of this is about ownership – men and dogs still mark their territory this way, and to actively cross the stream of another guy is to say, “that’s not yours, I deny your claim, this is mine now,” which is not usually a conversation you want to have with a stranger with your dick in your hand.  Most of us haven’t played “who’s is bigger” since that time in 2nd grade when the – you know what, never mind that.  It’s not done, is the point.

We’re not in stalls, waiting our turn.  When we’re standing up, we’re out there in public, hanging it out for the public eye.  There is – I’m told – some degree of insecurity there for some guys.  (I, of course, have the opposite issue, and wait my turn for privacy as a public service so as to make sure not to embarrass lesser men.)  So why do we not, would we not, can we not share a single urinal?  I’ve given you universal rules, social mores, and privacy concerns.  Let’s discuss the clincher.

You’ve probably, at one point or another, been around a bathroom that has been used by a standing man.  What did you do?  You cleaned it up, didn’t you?  We’ve covered this before here at the ManFAQ, but it bears repeating:  We have lousy aim.  Now, would YOU want to stand anywhere near the line of fire when Johnny over there opens up?  I just got these Ferragamos polished, baby – if he pees on them, I’m going to have to sweep the leg in retaliation.  It’s just not pretty.  So it’s just not done. 

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

Tags: Children // 3 Comments »

Here we are, another Friday, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ.  Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.

What could go wrong?

Question:  Why do you all go crazy for these asteroids?  What’s the big deal? 

Answer:  Now look, just because NASA says that some rock the size of a football field isn’t going to hit the damn planet doesn’t mean we’re out of the woods, cosmically speaking.   Remember, these are the same yahoos who slammed a multi-million dollar piece of gear into Mars because they couldn’t remember to convert between metric and standard units.  This one seems to have missed us, sure, but the next one should have our complete attention as well.  If you think it’s not a big deal, talk to those folks in Russia who thought there was a nuke over their towns this afternoon.  (It’s somewhere between ironic and frightening that they all seemed pretty used to that idea, and no one panicked too badly.)

But it *could* have hit us, and you need to understand that most of us guys live in a constant cloud of exciting “what if” scenarios.  What if it hit the earth? What if it hit the moon, and it knocked the moon out of orbit and closer to the earth and caused huge Tsunamis all over the world?  What if I came home and she was naked?  What if I came home and she was Kate Upton, and she was naked?  There are always “what ifs” to worry about.

So we have, at the most dramatic, huge city-leveling explosions that could wipe out humanity (with the obvious exception of Keith Richards), and at a minimum we have what AC/DC could only describe as bouncing big balls, hurling themselves around up there at speeds we can only dream of.  It’s like watching god go bowling for satellites after knocking back a few divine pints, right?  What if He threw a cosmic spare?  What if the Russians were using the asteroid to divert attention from their new air-burst nuclear testing program?  What if she really is naked when I come home?

These are exciting times!  What’s not to love?

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

Tags: Children // Add Comment »