ManFAQ Friday: Real Smooth

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?


Question:   Why is it OK when men go out with hair coming out their ears and nose, but we’re supposed to shave our legs?

Answer:   We see our hair as a chance to remind you of our caveman days of yore, our hirsute halcyon heritage, and have you wondering if we are men or savage beasts, ready to drag you to our cave and consider some hairy Hey Hey.  You, on the other hand, convince each other to shave your legs – and otherwise manage your hair – so that there will be nothing to distract one of us apes from the sight of your shapely flesh – no hair, nothing but smooth skin to remind him of Hey Hey.   Needless to say, you keep doing it because it works.  I think it’s only fair to mention that most guys, once you’re back in their caves, won’t really care much if you shaved this week, or even this epoch.

Besides, it hurts to pluck those!  You know what babies we are…


Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

Egypt and the Internet

Hosni Mubarak, whose song is ending, took steps a week or so ago to prevent the Egyptian people from using social media to organize and communicate, starting with blocking access to Facebook and Twitter, and culminating with shutting down all in-country ISPs.   Regardless of the morality of these actions, they were legally ordered and carried out by a government that has been recognized as the legitimate government of a sovereign nation for around 3 decades.

Google, Inc., along with most of the rest of the world, took exception to these actions.  Unlike most of the rest of the world, Google realized they were in a position to do something about it, and so they did.   They came up with the idea of a speak-to-tweet service—the ability for anyone to tweet using just a voice connection.  They did this deliberately, to support the protesters who are organizing to bring down the current government.

While I hope the pending transition of power in Egypt is executed peacefully – 30 years is long enough – the larger question in my mind is the relationship between Egypt and Google.  Had another sovereign nation taken those steps, or even requested and funded Google to take those steps, it would likely have been considered an act of war.  How does a “brick and mortar” nation-state go to war against a global multinational corporation?  At what point does the world need to start recognizing that companies with more people and money than many small countries might need to be included in something like the UN, and held to many of the same standards? 

What happens if Microsoft joins the teabaggers and decides to support the overthrow of New York?

Reality Check

So there I was this morning, getting ready for work with Number One Son – the two of us being the only ones awake.  I’d used the upstairs shower, which is right next to his room, so I woke him up for a change.  After a quick breakfast, I was ready to slip out the door and get to work a little early.   I had an important meeting today, so I was in my good suit, my long wool coat, and my best hat.  Before I left, I walked back into the kitchen, struck a pose, gave him a wink, and asked Number One Son “How do I look?”

Vanity, thy name is BUMD.

He looked me up and down, slowly, as though making a judicious assessment of my shoes, suit, coat and hat, and my ability to match them.  He looked me straight in the eye, smiled, and said, “You look like an asshole in a suit.”

I cracked up, wondered what movie it was from, and decided that I didn’t want to know.  I reflected on the fact that if I’d even thought of saying something like that to my father, I’d’ve been thinking about what a bad idea that had been from several days in the future, since I’d’ve been knocked into next week.  As it was, I thanked him for the reality check and headed to the office.

The best part was coming home later, I decided I really did want to know where he’d heard the line, and asked him.  “No, I just said that because I was angry that you’d woke me up.”

“OK, that was still funny, but now you’re grounded.”

That’s me, the asshole in the suit.

Between Ordinary and Mordinary, is Extraordinary

“Oye, que paso? Blackout!  Blackout!”  This is the start of the song Blackout from the Tony-winning Broadway show “In The Heights,” which went through our heads for about 20 hours last week while the electricity was out during the recent snowstorm.  “We are powerless, we are powerless” is a recurring theme in the song and the show, and it provided an interesting backdrop to the kids’ reactions to our blackout.  You can tell that this is a complete novelty to them:

Kid:  “Daddy, what will we do with the food in the fridge if the power stays off?  It’s getting warm in here!”
BUMD:  “First, quit opening the fridge to check.  Second, if it stays off for a while, we’ll put the food in the other fridge.”
Kid:  “Daaaaaddy,” the hands on the hips, “the power is out for the whole house.  The other fridge doesn’t work either!”
BUMD:  “OK, we’ll put it in the other other fridge.”

The idea that you could put your food outside, where it’s 35 degrees, floored them.  You could see the lightbulb go on – the problem is not “food in fridge”, the problem is “food cold.”  Getting used to the idea that they couldn’t watch TV, or play on the computer, or play Wii, all at once – not so much.  Once we got past dinner – and “how to light the gas stove with a match” was another teachable moment for the oldest – the question of “well, now what to do we do” became paramount.  We have enough candles that a good round of Yatzee was possible, but that involves enough dimly-lit math that one round was all we could take.  “Now what do we do?” 

As darkness falls, we are powerless, as were our ancestors before us.  Bed was the answer, and to bed they went, bundled against the early dark, the cold, and the thoughts of how people used to live before we had electricity, and how long we’d have to emulate them. 

By we, of course, I mean the kids.  SOBUMD was cheerful about her iPhone connection to the outside world, and I woke up and plugged the coffee grinder into the UPS.  We have standards, you know.

The power was back the next afternoon, and the kids rushed to their iStuff like hobos to the next drink.  One of these days I’ll take them all off the grid for a few days – but not until I have my coffee beans all ground and ready.

Two days after the power came back, we packed and powered up the car and headed north to Pennsylvania, wheels up at Oh-Dark-Thirty, which is “anytime before 8am” during the winter months around here.   While SOBUMD steered us north, I noted that our waking walking life, it sometimes seems, has but two paths:  the ordinary, and the more ordinary.  And, while betimes betwixt the morning’s light and noonday sun the mordinary seems the only choice, at sunrise, and again as sunset cedes its hours to the moon, our lives can be…  Extraordinary!   

From the road, as the sunrise turned the sky a pink that even a bleary-eyed Reigning Queen of Pink couldn’t argue with, just outside Baltimore I spied an epic billboard fail.  Advertising depends on several factors.  This was a Public Health / Public Service type ad, probably trying to convince people not to engage in promiscuous Hey Hey, featuring a woman trying to look both serious and sexy, with a caption that says:  “I don’t give it up.  And I won’t give in.”  OK, kudos for the sentiment and the message and the empowerment.  The trouble here is that this young lady probably doesn’t get asked about it too often, either.  That sentiment would be more effective with someone who looks like Halle Berry saying it.

Another great sign from the road:  “Orange Cones, No Phones!”  Do they realize that this makes most of the damn I-95 corridor a cell-free zone?  Plus, the construction around Tyson’s Corner on the US Capitol Beltway makes the traffic pattern look like a bunch of overweight automobiles trying to work out a Twyla Tharp dance routine while listening to a Tae Bo workout tape.  (“And left, and over, and right, and over, and stretch!  And over, and STOP…”)

And lo, in those days after a few hours we came upon the town of Bethlehem, or Nazareth, or one of those biblical knock-offs in PA, and we arrived to stay with wonderful family, and beer.  The cousins bonded, and the siblings bonded, and there was An Extended Family Gathering that couldn’t be beat.  There was wonderful food, excellent conversation, and much discussion of what it means to be powerless.  We agreed on the extraordinary observation that our technology is sometimes actually better than real life – on this blog, for example, I can hold comments for public viewing pending administrative moderation – i.e., once I review them and decide if they should be posted to an unsuspecting audience.  Sometimes people need a conversational 5-second delay, and a censor behind them bleeping over the rough edges. 

Family is wonderful, and a great time was had by all.  Saying our brief though fond farewells, we once again turned to the open road, succumbing to the siren song of the highway.  Hearing a bit on the radio, I wondered about people who say they’ll “love you until they the day they die.”  You know, I’ll love you unti the day I die, as though to say “and not a minute longer!  Believe me, I said ‘death do us part’ and that is ALL I signed up for, buster!  Once I shuffle off this mortal coil, it’s AMF, baby – told you I loved you, BTDT, I’m outta here.”  Just makes me wonder, is all.

As SOBUMD drove  into the sinking pink sunset down the curving highways that took us home, the wavy jet contrails above looked like sperm swimming frantically to inseminate some unseen egg in the sky behind us.  We got past the construction  (“And over, and right, and stretch!  And over, and stop…”) by dint of some fried chicken and a host of Broadway show tunes, which made the drive go faster while reminding me that I’m not going to win the Tony before I finish the play.

Now home, we unpack and I turn to face February, powerless as I face the choice between ordinary and mordinary.  And then I remember.  Extraordinary!

ManFAQ Friday: The Bond That Binds

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?


Question:   What’s the deal with this male bonding business?

Answer:   Male bonding is a euphemism for spending time in a “safe” area, by which we mean a time and place where none of our bad habits will negatively impact our chances of Hey Hey later, yet still allow for some kind of social interaction.  We tend to pass stories, drinks, and gas while lying about how brave we are, how virile we are, and how the Cubs are sure to win the series this year

It’s a chance to talk to others of our kind, either to solicit tips about Hey Hey from guys who may have had sex with actual women, or to check out the competition, in a friendly way.  And by friendly, I mean drinking.  And by check out, I mean finding out if you can drink more than that other guy. 

It’s a chance to do all those things that we imagine you don’t like, to be uncivilized, uncouth, and generally improper.  Mind you, there’s a very real possibility that you wouldn’t, couldn’t, and in fact don’t give any kind of a damn about any of those things we do, since many are biological and biology textbooks indicate that you do many of them yourself.  But we need to rebel against something, and we both know it’s not going to be you, so we take a little time-out from proper society and we rebel against that, for as long as we can.  You know, until we run out of beer.


Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!