Big Ugly Man Doll

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:  Why do men like guns?  ESPECIALLY naked women with guns?

Answer:   You know, everyone said people wouldn’t go for peanut butter combined with chocolate too, but they were wrong.  So let’s examine this.

Guns.  Long hard barrel, stuff comes out the end when you manipulate it, symbol of power, makes the weak feel strong and the strong feel invincible.  The holder feels a sense of satisfaction and pleasure when it shoots.  Do you need a better metaphor for a penis?  No?  I didn’t think so either.

OK, what about Naked Women?  Let’s go back to the bit about stuff comes out the end when you manipulate it, and leave it at that.  Guys love to see naked women, pretty much regardless of what they’re holding.  Most men will tell you that naked women look just fine holding anything from an IRS tax invoice to a box of lightbulbs – they’re not really going to notice what she’s holding most of the time.

So, you take a woman with no clothes on and hand her a very powerful penis metaphor, and you’re probably going have his attention locked, cocked, and ready to go.  He wants to see something shoot.  If you asked him what kind of gun she was holding, he couldn’t do much better than “a big one.” 

Now, I’m all for nudity on all sides and while I’m not a gun fanatic, I do like to shoot them once in a while.  However, I confess I was thinking that if a woman is butt nekkid and holding a piece, the only things being shot are the photos.  I mean, ouch! 

But, in the interest of the complete objectivity for which I am known, I decided that I should do a little research into your question.  I’m happy to report that Googling “tits and guns” only took me six and half hours over two weeks – I wanted to make sure my research was thorough, you see.  In the interest of prudent prurience, I will leave you with this 26-second video clip, which is very nearly almost safe for work, depending on where you work and as long as you keep the volume off.  Notice, please the gradual buildup, the mounting tension, the unstoppable momentum, and the money shot at the end. 

Look familiar?
 

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment! Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!

Tags: Children // 1 Comment »

One of the nicest things about having a bully pulpit is, of course, sharing.  It will take me another 3 or 4 years to convince my father that he needs to have his own blog, but he’ll get there.  In the meantime, this is the first of a series of occasional updates from the Father of the Big Ugly Man Doll.  You will note that I come by my ranting skills naturally.   Without further ado:

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The Tea Party Downgrade

I haven’t read it yet but it’s out there.  I just know it’s out there.  Somewhere amongst all those Op-Ed opinion makers’ musings there’s a fractured, tortuous, and twisted slice of burnt logic through which the Tea Party Downgrade can get blamed on the President.

I’m talking about the short term of course.  Over the long haul, there’s plenty of blame to go around starting with us, the American people who want more in the way of benefits, services, and infrastructure than we’re willing to pay for.  Next, are the political parties where the Democrats never saw a social program they didn’t like and the Republicans start wars that are “off the books” in terms of the budget and cut taxes at the same time to implement Republican rules one and two:  1) Protect then enhance wealth for the wealthy; and 2) Ensure big profits for big corporations.

Getting back to the short term, Capitol Hill and our Congress have always been somewhat unfathomable, but the last six to seven months are a true mystery.  The Tea Party freshmen came to office vowing to reign in the size and spending of the Federal Government.  Using the debt limit vote as leverage, they almost succeeded.  Victory was theirs (and ours by the way) for the taking, but they didn’t know what victory looked like.

Boehner and Bama came up with a grand bargain that would have cut almost $4 trillion over the next 10 years but the Speaker couldn’t sell it to the Tea Party folks who objected to the relatively small amount of revenue increases included in the deal.  Showing their true colors, they remained loyal to Grover Norquist.  I sure wish they’d take a pledge to the American people instead.  Every poll shows that most of us, even those declaring themselves as Republicans, believe we need a balanced approach to deficit reduction that includes spending cuts and revenue increases.

So we came down to the wire with a small compromise that nobody liked very much, but at least it precluded the U.S. from defaulting on its debt.  Then guess what – many Tea Party folks voted NO including I believe Michelle Bachmann who believes she should be the President of the United States.  I haven’t studied the reasons but I can only think of four, any of which would deem her unfit for office in my judgment:

• She was more wedded to her right-wing ideology than to the good of the United States
• She understood that the measure needed to pass that day and that it was indeed going to pass without her vote, so she cynically cast a NO vote so she could preach about how bad a deal it was
• She truly didn’t understand the potential dire consequences of a U.S. default
• She was simply carrying out Republican Rule #3:  Do anything and say anything to get in power and stay in power to better carry out Rules 1 and 2.

In any case, we breathed a small sigh of relief, and then watched the stock markets tumble as S&P downgraded U.S. treasury bonds because there’s no evidence that our political system is capable of reaching a long-term solution that reduces our debt while keeping our economy rolling.

We now have another chance.  The special committee could go above and beyond their call of duty and strike that grand bargain.  In fact, Charles Krauthammer, a very conservative columnist provided an outline of a surprisingly balanced approach.  They could do it.  I’m not holding my breath, but I am praying.

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Please note that the opinions expressed above are solely those of the FOBUMD, although in this case they go a long damn way with my own.

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:  The studs in the romance books provide their lovers with a running commentary.  Is one allowed to or supposed to talk during Hey Hey?  Should a girl expect it?

Answer:   The short answer is that one could hope both your mouths would be otherwise occupied.   The long answer, and it is a very long answer (he said with a wink), is that we all know that sex is like baseball, and that ninety percent of Hey Hey is half mental (as are fifty percent of your partners, but that’s a different post).  Sometimes we all need a few words of encouragement, or even a stern talking to.

A Useful Venn Diagram

The trouble is in the execution of this talking.  The difference between the number of romance writers and the number of romance writers who have had sex with other people is staggering.  Just because they can write about some seriously kinky Hey Hey does not mean they’ve ever actually had such Hey Hey, nor that they could if cornered at a cocktail party.  The Marquis de Sade is noted and remembered for his writing – did he really DO all those things?  Not so sure.

Also remember that the stud in the romance books has a big advantage over your partner.  Not being real, he can enjoy the sight of your heaving bosom and tell you all about what he’s thinking while not having any of the performance anxiety usually connected to maintaining his throbbing member.   Remember, he’s in a book.

Your partner, on the other hand, is not in a book.  As far as he’s concerned, he’s in a dream.  He’s probably not thinking about saying much (OK, he’s probably not thinking much), since he used up his store of words for the day while talking you out of your clothes.   Most men only really need to say about 6000 words a day, and he’s pretty much tapped out by now – if you’re getting more than “Mmmmmmmmm,” it’s a bonus.  Also, he’s desperately scared of saying the wrong thing – he invested a lot of time and energy getting to this part of the day, and he REALLY doesn’t want to screw it up and accidentally make you mad by opening his mouth other than to breathe – and possibly not even for that.  Are his eyes bugging out a little?  They are, aren’t they?  He’s not going to open his mouth except to put something interesting in there.

Also, remember that he doesn’t expect to have to tell you what his throbbing member is doing, or where it is.  He’s *really* hoping you can feel it, unless you’re still wearing that hot latex outfit or you’ve been anesthetized – locally, since if you’re under general anesthesia (A) he’s talking to himself and (B) that’s no time for Hey Hey, everything they say about dead girls notwithstanding.  If you have to ask “So, where is it now?” he’s probably going to collapse. 

You, on the other hand, are welcome to cheer him on; provide direction, guidance, or instructions; keep the beat; whatever you like.  If you’re counting on him to recognize how you’re doing by watching your eyebrows, forget it – we can’t take hints well under normal circumstances, much less now.   Tell him what you like and he’ll do it.  Don’t worry that he’s not doing the same – he’s not going to tell you what he likes, because anything you’re doing is great, trust me.  If you think you’re not doing whatever it is you’re doing fast enough, remember that he’s not in a hurry to stop doing this. 

The only other thing to keep in mind is that if you make enough noise, you risk having the neighbors or kids check out the commotion and find you in Hey Hey Flagrante.  Lock the door.  A friend of mine in college, who lived in Stalnaker Hall, was known as the Stalnaker Screamer – and not because she’d seen a mouse, if you know what I mean. 

So, are you allowed to talk?  All you like!  Scream like your mom can’t hear you.  Are you supposed to talk?  If it makes you feel good, if it’s good for you – you bet.  Should he be talking?  Usually your call, but remember that most of the intercourse discourse with which he’s familiar he learned from watching porn; if you want him to use language you don’t usually hear from him, I assure you he knows it – he just doesn’t know what else he should say.  He’s not likely to start comparing Thee to a Summer’s Day. 

Or, maybe he is:

Shall I compare thee unh, yeah, to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely oh god you're beautiful and more uhn temperate.
Rough yeah, harder, winds do shake the darling buds of your breasts,
And summer's lease hath yeah oh yeah like that all too short a date.
Sometime too god you're hot too the eye of heaven shines, ah,
And often is his gold, oh yeah baby complexion dimmed;
And every fair from f-ooh god, sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed, yeah, you know I love that;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade, no, yeah, don't stop
Nor lose possession of that fair thou oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ow'st,
Nor shall death brag about how he banged you,
When in eternal lines to Time thou oh god yes, now, yeah, don't stop, thou grow'st.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, yeah, almost there,
So long lives this, oh god oh god oh god and this oh yeeees, gives life to thee.

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment, and comment, and comment some more.  Moaning is OK too.  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!

Tags: Children // 3 Comments »

Putting the kids to bed is always an exercise in continuing education.  Tonight was no exception. 

• The Reigning Queen of Pink wanted to know why her cheap stuffed bear was leaking, and if said bear could be fixed with bubbles.  Yeah, dip the wand in, blow the bubbles at the bear’s paw.  Um, probably not the best option.
• The Human Tape Recorder wanted to know what Fascism was, in detail, and how it differed from Republican political theory.  Because, you know, I’ve got THAT off the top of my head all the time. 
• Number One Son told me as I turned off his lights that it was just stupid that we not only had to pay for, but had to pay taxes on, our electricity and gas usage to cool and heat the house.  He was quite riled up about it.  He’d been watching YouTube videos of other people playing The Legend of Zelda, and I really hadn’t realized they were world-building at QUITE THAT LEVEL of detail in these games. 

I walked back upstairs thinking about all this.  “Great,” I said to SOBUMD, “so a Fascist, a Socialist, and a Blonde walk into a bar…”

Tags: Children // Add Comment »

Because of my charm, wit, and incredible good looks, I’m often mistaken for a much younger man.  (Usually some guy named Bob, I dunno why.)  One of the natural consequences of this is that people are often surprised to find out how long SOBUMD and I have been married.  A recent question on the topic was posted under the ManFAQ:

Question:  I have a question for you!  You and your wifey have been together for EVERRRR.  How do you guys have such a successful marriage and life together?

Since this isn’t really a ManFAQ question, I have no compunctions about fielding it on a Sunday.  Just to put your terminology in perspective, when you refer to “forever,” we need to mention that there are branches of mathematics that deal with numbers so small that the number “one” is semantically equal to “infinity.”  This is exactly what being married for 20 years feels like.  The first 10 years went by pretty quickly; the past 10 went by so fast it makes my head spin – and at the same time, I have no recollection of any life before SOBUMD.  I’m sure that somewhere there is A Thinker who could explain this in terms of a quantum theory of married life, or more likely a Unified Theory of Matrimonial Relativity, and I think that he should get to work on that. 

In the mean time, having put our timeframe in some perspective (forever = 20+ years), your question was “how does it work?”  How do we maintain our sanity living in such close quarters with one another, day after day, and with these impossible children, always wanting something, something, and something more, and with these cats, demanding food, particularly the chicken you just cooked?  Well, I’ll tell you. 

I think it’s safe to assume, then, that one of the secrets to a long and happy marriage, not unlike the first rule of fight club, is don’t spend too much time asking each other if you’re happy. One of the least fun things I can imagine is sitting around trying to measure exactly how much fun you’re having.

That’s not to say don’t talk to each other – open communication is critical.  One of the secrets to our marriage is that SOBUMD and I talk openly and honestly all the time.  For example, she tells me what she wants me to do and I say “Yes, Dear.”  These two simple words have saved our marriage more than once.

Another very useful mechanism for ensuring domestic tranquility lies in keeping separate reading areas.  We have a lamp over the bed that has two lights on two flexible arms, each with a dimmer and each with an on/off switch.  I can sleep on my side, in relative darkness, while SOBUMD enjoys the last few pages of her book in a soft puddle of halogen.  Sometimes, even the advertising has a hint of truth in it. 

This may go without saying, but since I’m the kind of guy who tends to say everything all the time anyway, I’ll go ahead:  If you don’t have anything else that has to get done right now, consider all the advantages of a little Hey Hey.  I don’t care if it’s 3:30 in the afternoon and your folks will be there in half an hour for dinner, that’s still time for a quickie.  It’s 1:30 in the morning and you can’t get to sleep?  Hey Hey!  The dishes can wait. 

The logical follow up to that, of course, is kids – and here I’ll tell you that one of the great secrets of our marriage was waiting a good long time before we had any.  We were together around 8 years before finding out that we were unprepared to have kids but were having one anyway.  (No one is ever really prepared for the first one.  Trust me.)  Life with a kid adds a new dimension to marriage, since before you were just married because it was fun.  Now you have a job, and you need to make sure that you bring the fun with you to this new job. 

The number of kids is reputed to make a difference as well.  With one, you have the advantage of always knowing who did it.  With two or more, you’ll never be quite sure.  Also, once you go past two kids, you have to switch from man-to-man defense to zone –  they outnumber you, and they’re FAST.  They also absorb all your available time, energy, and money, so you need to make time for the two of you – babysitters are necessary once in a while and should be deductible on your taxes as a mental health expense.  SOBUMD and I have occasional “date nights,” where we go out with just us, or with other friends escaping from their kids, and we have a great time pretending we’re young again just enjoying each other’s adult company.  Mind you, all we talk about are the kids, but still.

Life is short, and very few things are actually important in the long run.  Being nice to each other is one of those few.  Talk enough to make sure you know how to make each other happy.  Don’t let familiarity breed contempt.  Remember your empathy, your common history, and your manners.  Say please.  Say thank you.  Don’t talk so much that you make each other unhappy.  The unexamined life is still life, and the mostly unexamined marriage can be a very happy one.  Don’t try too hard. 

It’s an adventure.  Enjoy it!

Tags: Children // 4 Comments »