Big Ugly Man Doll

Friday is once again answer time at the ManFAQ, and we will dedicate today’s ManFAQ to the manliest of men, Richard Griffiths, who died yesterday.  As a pompous, manly, and strong head of household, he was second only to Archie Bunker in his role as Harry Potter’s Uncle Vernon Dursley.  And so, as an actor’s actor and a man’s man, today it is in the memory of Uncle Vernon that I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.  As Uncle Vernon would have said, “What could go wrong, boy?”

Question:  Do you really use the front flap of your tighty whities?   

Answer:  It depends.  There are those of us who never use the “frontal access device” to access our devices, simply because we tend to forget it’s there.  (The access, not the device.  We’re usually pretty aware of the device.)  Some of us do not like the sensation of thrusting the device through multiple layers of cloth – it’s turning left!  No, it’s turning right!  No, wait!  Imagine a double-gated bra and you’ll see what I mean.   Mind you, some of us will thrust that thing anywhere, and see this as less of a big deal.

Some of us tend to use the “frontal access device” when we need to be hands-free – sometimes, in this busy day and age, we’re otherwise occupied and need both hands to make sure we don’t drop the phone in the pool, if you know what I mean.  If I’ve got one hand holding down the shorts for Mr. Shorty to take his brief walk, and we can assume the other hand is against the wall holding myself up due to the near permanent state of exhaustion I’m in, then which hand is going to return your txt message or answer the phone when it rings?  Many’s the poor bastard who’s forgotten what he was doing and moved that hand away at the wrong time, causing the elastic to contract and firing the old hose straight up – no, sometimes it’s better to open those gates and let gravity do its work. 

Most guys also take this approach if there’s any chance you’ll walk in on them.  Usually, you’d be behind them, and this *might* give you the impression that they’re going commando today – which in turn might lead to thoughts of Hey Hey, since it’s already out of its cage…   You know where I’m going with this, right?  It never works, but we still think it. 

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

I know, Friday’s answer time at the ManFAQ, and I missed it.  I was busy doing manly things, honest.  Anyway, once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.  Like the man said, “What could go wrong?”

Question:  Why is the Pope always a guy?  Don’t you think they’d have figured out by now that a woman would do a better job?  

Answer:  Issues with the Catholic Church letting women be priests aside, since we know the “strict” answer to the question, let me tell you this.  The Pope is supposed to be the voice of God on earth, the vicar of Christ Almighty, and the right hand man of the lord.  He’s the one with the hotline to heaven, with his finger on the ineffable pulse and the Holy Spirit on speeddial.  He’s the only subscriber to the Almighty Twitter feed, with the angels, all the saints, and the heavenly hosts on his Facebook friends list.

The Pope is a guy because the church doesn’t trust a women not to let slip to the boss how badly we’ve screwed up.  They keep electing men to the position because they’re confidant that a dude will keep “kind of forgetting” to bring up the whole bit about clergy abuse, or the fact that they haven’t let women be priests for 2000 years, or all that Inquisition business, when the boss checks in every week.  We’ve got Papal monthly reports that go back more than 1500 years, and they’re all pretty much, “Yep, doing OK here, let me know if you need help with anything up there.”

A women would change things too much for their liking.

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

Here we are on the Ides of March, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ.  Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.

Like Caesar said, “What could go wrong?”

Question:  Why does the maintenance guy assume you do the maintenance around the house?  “You might want to tell your husband to put the date on the new filters.”  My husband wouldn’t know what the HVAC filter looked like if I broke it over his head – why is it automatically assumed that he changes it? 

Answer:  As much as I want to say, “Oh, no, he did NOT?” and do the whole neckrole thing like my friend Angie taught me, I can’t – not just because I’m whiter than chalk, but because it wouldn’t be credible.  Of course the maintenance dude assumes the man around the house is doing the dirty, manly jobs that require strength and technical know how.  After all, he’s there doing those things, and he’s a man.  He just doesn’t realize that you’re the one holding the remote in your relationship, or that the track lighting wasn’t your idea.

Is there any end to these bitter questions of gender stereotyping?  I sure hope not, or the ManFAQ would be out of a job.  But in the meantime, let’s examine the motives of the maintenance dude.  He’s there with you.  We’ll assume you have a pulse, so it’s a safe bet that he’s already thought about what you’d be like in bed.  In assuming out loud that it’s your husband who would be changing the air filters, he’s obliquely asked you if you have a husband.

Not to assume too much creepiness on the part of our probably innocent maintenance dude, but your safest answer is, “Oh, you can probably tell him yourself, he should be home any minute.”  Another good answer might be, “I would, but I shot the son of a bitch last year, and serve him right, too.”  I’m just saying, is all.

But it’s true, regardless of intent, most guys assume it’s the guy who’ll be servicing the equipment.  If you know what I mean.  He probably means it as a compliment – he can’t imagine you demeaning yourself to do something so base and low like changing that filter.  You’re a domestic goddess in his eyes, charged only with writing his check and fueling his equipment-servicing fantasies later that evening.

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

Here we are, another Friday, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ.  Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.

What could go wrong?

Question:  Why don’t more men seem to want to be active partners in planning the wedding? 

Answer:   While I am the last person to use gross gender stereotypes, or if not absolutely the last, I did it as recently as this morning when an Asian lady cut me off in traffic, I think we can safely assume that most little boys don’t grow up thinking about wedding dresses and veils and trains.  There are exceptions, certainly, but it’s equally certainly that the little boys who did grow up thinking about wedding gowns and such aren’t marrying you, they’re marrying guys with similar interests.  (In fact, one of the funniest arguments in defense of gay marriage I’ve ever heard boiled down to “Why shouldn’t gay men have to suffer through the damned weddings like the rest of us?”)  Besides, we’ve already established that most of us can’t plan worth a damn.  He can’t get a simple birthday bash together – why would you think he’d be any better with a wedding?

Most guys, if you’ve landed a decent one, will be happy to do what you tell him to get ready for the wedding.  Our society has trained him to believe that this is your special day – not his.  (He’s hoping to get through it, so you two can get to your special night, which he’s been looking forward to for a long time.)  But the color of the the bunting around the windows?  To invite your Great Aunt Tessie or not?  Floral or solids for the bridesmaid dresses?  He doesn’t really care, as long as you’re happy.  Since he’s pretty much genetically incapable of caring about many of those details, he’s going to shut up and wait for you to tell him what you want him to do.  Oh, sure, if you press him he’ll differentiate between the cream, the ecru, and the off-off-white dress fabrics, but if you think his heart’s not it in, you’re right.  From the moment he proposed to you – or you proposed to him – to the moment you wake up next to each other as a married couple and think “oh holy shit what did I just do,” fully half his waking hours are spent thinking about Mythical Epic Wedding Night Hey Hey.

He wonders if it’s different when you’re married.  He wonders if married guys really do have sex more often than single guys.  He wonders if it will still be epic if his tequilibido kicks in during the reception.  But mostly, he wonders what Mythical Epic Wedding Night Hey Hey will be like.

This is how many women wind up with really large engagement rings.  “I like that one!”  “Huh? What, uh, OK.”  He’s not paying attention.  Don’t worry, you’ll have his attention back on your wedding night.  His full attention!

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!

Here we are, another Friday, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ.  Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.

What could go wrong?

Question:  Why does he always seem to think he wants a little Hey Hey after he’s been drinking?  He can’t actually do anything in that condition – why does he want to try? 

Answer:  Here I have to coin a new term for you.  Welcome to what we shall call a man’s tequilibido.

His tequilibido is usually a function of how much he’s had to drink, how long it’s been since he last had sex (if he’s over 25), and what he usually thinks his chances are with you.  (If he’s under 25, the question of how long it’s been since he last had sex is irrelevant if we’re working in time increments larger than “the last 15 minutes.”)  Like they say south of the border, “Tómame como al Tequila – de un golpe y sin pensarlo.”  And, really, that’s about his level of thought after what he’s had to drink – “Hey, I got all the way here, we should totally celebrate that!  With some good, life-affirming, baby-making sex!  Yeah!”  After all, he didn’t even get arrested on the way home, even though he probably should have been.  He’s thinking it’s his lucky night!

And he sounds sincere, doesn’t he?  He really wants to, and he’s probably got your clothes off.  Now he’s standing there, looking at you, and looking down, and wondering what the hell’s happened.  He’s perplexed.  Please, be gentle.  If he’s over 25, this is about to be a rude awakening for him – because that’s really not going to work.  Trust that it’s not you – you could be as hot as that girl you wished you looked like on the cover of last week’s magazine and those hydraulics still wouldn’t be working.  Maybe you are as hot as that girl on the cover of last week’s magazine.  It doesn’t matter.  The Tequila is telling his brain “yes, now, here, her” and it’s telling his little buddy, “dude, once he’s asleep, let’s shave him! HAhahahaha!”

He thinks it’s a great idea.  He firmly believes it.  And he’s going to do it again the next time, because he won’t remember tonight either.

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!  As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!