Big Ugly Man Doll

I get some really outlandish Spam on this site.  I’ve decided to collect some of the farther out examples to share with you – link free, of course.

• “Leotard question : what style should I wear? | Long Sleeved Leotard” writes in to say the following:  “How do you do! interestingly you: make your own porn free hardcore gay porn or tranny porn movie clips, twilight porn and hardcore porn tube naked girl porn. I’m looking forward to seeing you again!”  Well, likewise, I’m sure. 
• “BermNedge” writes in to say: “Good night! call: japan webcam sex porn trailors or anal hernia free psp porn samples and teen lesbians two lips jenna jamison porn star or tequila frogs tits. Take care of yourself!”  Um, frog tits? Is there really a big demand there? 
• “Bistinhatialk” writes to say:  “Dear Reader! it for you: mature amateur asian women page full length porn vids or anal sex pics disney’s jasmine porn and user submitted videos amateur free porn xxx clips . See you later!”  Hey, Disney’s Jasmine did a porn movie?  I have this wrong, wrong, wrong image that involves her with Aladdin AND the Genie, on the carpet, in the air…
• “Excergeax” wants me to read the following, which I’ve excerpted here because it’s really, really long.  I assume it’s a cut and paste from the original War and Peace, or possilbly War and Peace and Fish, since they’re posting from something called fishbig.ru:  “???????» ? ????? ??????? ????? ?????????, ???????? ? ??? ???????? ????????????. ????????? – ??????? ?????? ?????????? ? ???? ??? ???? ??????????? ??????: ??????????, ?????, ???????? ????? (?????????? ????, ?????????????? (??????????????) ??????????? ??????? ????????????? ? ???????? ???????? ?????????. ?????? ? ??????? – 2005 ?????????? ???????? ????? I. ??????????? many essential food items, you know, from 10 to 20 %. ?23 J: It’s not just a simple case of taking money ?????????? ???????? ????? 24 ?????? ?.?. 25 ??????? ?.?. 26 ??????? ??? ????????? ?????????  ???????? ????????, ?????? ??????????, ???????????. ????? ??????, ??? ???????, ????????, ????????, ????.”  Why on earth these people are trying to make a business out of sending me russian literature with sections of old MBA textbooks sprinkled in like salt in a word salad, I’ll never know. 
• “adarlidigedon” writes to say:  “How are things?! forward: free porn videos on psp free psp porn download or friend’s moms tits red neck porn and perky firm tits cumshot porn. Take care of yourself!”  Hey, you too, stay in touch.  You had me at ‘perky firm tits’, by the way. 

I used to get really upset about all this, until we installed a top notch spam blocker (Akismet, if you’re interest) and I realized that no one sees them but me.  Now, I like to check in with my spammers at least once a week – it’s like having friends with people who developed Tourette’s after their stroke – dirty word salad.  It reminds me of high school, come to think of it.

This whole thing also raises the question of well-intentioned spam, which I’ve started calling the Spamber Alert.  “OH NOES,” they write, “some small helpless person is being kidnapped right now, and we have to send this post to everyone we know if there’s a chance you could help find them before they need the next dosage of their cancer medicine, which they can’t administer themselves because they have no arms and have autism!” 

Needless to say, a shot of Snopes on the rocks usually cures my impluse to repost these.  But next time you get that note in your email inbox offering to make your penis 3 inches larger, take a moment to read it before you press delete.  Think about the poor slob who penned that copy. 

After all, the cock you grow could be your own. 

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It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:  Do you have your own version of PMS that makes you moody?

Answer:    See the note about why we’re such adrenaline junkies.  When we crash from that rush – or from sex, in that post-coital haze of dopamine and delirium – we do get cranky, assuming we lived through whatever we found so exciting.   It’s like our biorhythms, except harder to plot, less accurate, and less useful.  Try chocolate or beer.  Also, taking your clothes off will usually brighten our day.  Showing up wearing nothing but a cold six-pack will always get us out of that funk! 

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

Tags: Children // 1 Comment »

I want to preface this with a note that I was hoping not to have any part of this conversation with any of my kids for a long, long time.  Posthumously would have been fine.  But then, if I’d really not wanted to engage in this kind of conversation, I shouldn’t have let them watch Joan Rivers.

Reigning Queen of Pink:  “Mommy, what’s ‘gay’?”

Spouse of the Big Ugly Man Doll:  “That means that a man prefers dating other men instead of women; or, for women, that they prefer dating women.”

RQoP:  “I’m a lesbian.”

SOBUMD:  [Spits her wine]  “What?”

RQoP:  “I think boys are icky, so I’m a lesbian.”

SOBUMD:  “You’re 8 years old.  You’re *supposed* to think boys are icky at your age – and you’re right, 8-year-old boys *are* icky.  When you get older, old enough to date, then you can decide if you’re a lesbian.  Everyone is different.”

Big Ugly Man Doll:  “RQoP, you see, everyone is a little of everything – it’s just a matter of degree.  For example, I’m 93 percent attracted to women, 5 percent attracted to men, 2 percent attracted to goats and sheep, and 100 percent attracted to Mommy.”

Human Tape Recorder:  “So, you’re a Mommysexual?”

BUMD:  “Shut up, kid, and stop eavesdropping next to our door.” 

HTR:  “Duh, stop making so much noise!”

RQoP:  “So when can I be a lesbian?”

BUMD:  “Not until you’re 30.   Daddy’s very gender-neutral about this, you’re not dating anyone until you’re 30, male or female, two legs or four.  My little girls aren’t dating ANYTHING until they’re 30.”

SOBUMD:  “He means 13.”

BUMD:  “Thirty.”

SOBUMD:  “Thirteen.”

BUMD:  “Twenty-nine, and that’s my final offer.”

Yeah, posthumously would have been the better bet.

Tags: Children // 5 Comments »

OK, as someone who is, in fact, professionally large and ugly, it’s not every day that I just sit down and gush about what a nice weekend I’ve had. This one, however, was quietly brilliant enough that it deserves some mention.

First, an old friend (we’ll call him Johann, to protect the guilty) came for dinner on Saturday. Not only did he bring flowers, he brought wine. Not only did he bring wine, he brought stories – and not only stories, but with the stories he brought knowledge, charm, and humor. I hadn’t seen him in more than 3 years, and SOBUMD had never met him. As he walked in, 3 years fell away like the opening curtain on a favorite play – one to which you could understudy because you know all the words – and SOBUMD and the kids took to him as though he’d been by a dozen times before. We spoke of opera, computers, poets who are dead, singers who aren’t, and government bureaucrats and contract staff who perhaps should be. With a heart condition that includes showing off the chin-to-nethers scar from his quintuple bypass, he is allowed beef only twice per year. Needless to say, as a professional bad influence, we served a terrific flank steak. It was great to see him.

All three of the kids loved him; the Human Tape Recorder for his great stories, Number One Son for his insight into the world of Temple Grandin and those like her, into which category Number One Son has the distinction to fall, and the Reigning Queen of Pink for his ability and willingness to outtalk her – a trait she has never before experienced in an adult. I was still giggling an hour after he left.

On Sunday, the Very Clever Grandparents invited us to visit the House in the Hood and accompany them to the National Building Museum in downtown DC. While this might not ordinarily sound like the single most exciting thing you can do east of 14th St, the draw at the moment was the Lego exhibit – the worlds’ great architectural masterworks rendered en min at something like 180:1 scale in Lego. Chicago was well represented, and I was personally proud of the Lego company to see that there was no mention of any Willis Tower. The Sears Tower, however, stood proud, 14 feet and countless thousands of Legos high. Fallingwater was there, albeit sans water, as was one of the Twin Towers (sans plane, which would have been a shark too far), and the Burj Khalifa – it’s the tallest building in the world, and at 18 feet high in Legos it was the tallest structure in the room. For the Lego enthusiasts (namely Number One Son and myself), it was a hell of walkthrough. The National Building Museum folks being no fools, the second section was there for you and your small kids to grab a double fistful of bricks and start building. The Lego folks being no fools either, the third section was there for your small kids to grab a box of Lego kits and insist that you buy it on the way out. Luckily we had the foresight to feed the kids on the way to the National Building Museum, and we got out with our dignity and wallets, and without a single brick following us home.

My close personal friend Bruce Springsteen sang to us at improbable volumes as we drove home in time to catch the Emmy awards, which were not hosted by the incomparable Temple Grandin and those like her, but which might as well have been for all the awards the recent movie about her – and she herself, by proxy, a distinction she very clearly understood – won. As a parent of Number One Son, I watch Temple Grandin with some degree of awe; she’s not just interacting with society, and she’s not just interacting with society very successfully – she’s helping to reshape society to better interact with her, on her own terms.

This is the goal, although Number One Son doesn’t know it yet, and at 10 years old doesn’t need to yet. This is the goal, although Number One Son doesn’t present with nearly as many issues as Temple Grandin did at his age. But make no mistake – this is the goal: to arm him with the social wherewithal to change his world to meet his needs on his terms, and to recognize those areas where that change is not feasible without letting that kind of defeat crush him.

In the larger sense, this is the goal of all parenting, the goal all parents and teachers have for their children and students. However, I can tell you as a parent that when you see the four-lane superhighway stretching to the horizon for your “neurotypical” child, the one that says “No Posted Speed Limit” and “Where We’re Going, We Don’t Need Roads”, and then you look at the overgrown brambles on the Ho Chi Minh Trail of Life, with the hidden tripwires and mines that haven’t been cleared since Saigon fell, you too will want to make sure that before your “different” thinker sets out, they’re armed to the teeth and they know how to use the tools you’ve given them.

And set out they well, and set out they must, and Temple Grandin has done a wonderful job of clearing some of the social minefields just by being who she is. Kudos to HBO for running the show, and to the Emmy folks for recognizing it.

I go to bed thinking of a better future, away from these Badlands, Glen Beck notwithstanding.

Tags: Children // 1 Comment »

Billy Joel was right.  We’re all strangers.  We all have shameful, dark secrets.  You know yours.  I know yours too, but I don’t kiss and tell – even if you do get all wet and hot and bothered when your sweetie buys a Kindle.  But just so we’re on even ground, I’m going to share one of my deepest ones with you.  Just because I’m in the mood to share. 

May Bob Dobbs sing an ‘Ave’ for my soul, but I love writing purple ad copy. 

And so, if copy is your thing, you find yourself selling your crap on eBay and Craigslist.  I don’t know if you’ve tried this, but on eBay, you need to be somewhat circumspect.  Reputable.  Legal, even.  And that’s fine.  It’s OK.  Nice.  Even lucrative, sometimes.  I once wrote such a glowing recommendation on eBay for a 0.25 cent US quarter, it sold for $25.  It was that good.  But it wasn’t purple.

Craigslist, though – they built Craigslist for me.  It’s one of life’s little pleasures.  You really don’t have to tell anyone anything on Craigslist.  You can staple a copy of your poetic license to their terms of use policy – “caveat emptor, biatch.”

The other day, I sold a file cabinet that SOBUMD wasn’t using any more.  I suppose it only needed to say “file cabinet for sale.” 

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Can you put a price on being organized?  Yes, yes you can.  It’s $30.

This solid, 2-drawer file cabinet will make you a better person.  You *can* take charge of your life again!  You can use it to store and organize your tax data, your soon-to-be-published manuscripts, those shitty poems you wrote in high school.  You can store all of these and more – and even better, you can FIND them again later, when you need to!  This file cabinet will make you happier, better looking, and more self-confidant than you’ve felt in years.

All for only $30.  Plus, you can sit on it in a pinch.  Yes, even you.  It’s that sturdy.  It will brighten up any home office with its understated industrial gray/beige exterior and stainless handles and trim.  It will make both you and your home a happier, brighter place as you unclutter and unwind.  To get you started, we’ll throw in 3 standard hanging folders – so there’s no waiting!  You pick up this file cabinet, give me $30 that you were only going to blow on booze anyway, take it home and start filing!  Start getting your life back.

Start today.

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What can I tell you, it sold in hours.  I love this country!

Tags: Children // 4 Comments »