Big Ugly Man Doll

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:  Why won’t men read instructions, ask for directions?

Answer:    To actually pull over and ask someone where I’m going is to admit, in front of you, that I’m an idiot.  Not to you – you know I’m an idiot – but to another guy.  This makes us think (deep in the id) that they’ll be able to put the moves on you with their strong directional foo.  Better not to risk it – besides, we still have almost a quarter tank of gas left!  Plenty of time; I’m sure it’s just over this hill.  Didn’t you say you were going to bring the directions?

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:  Do I give you too much credit?

Answer:    If you mean “you” as in “most men” then yeah, you probably do give them too much credit.  And trust me, we’ll take it – credit with you is like money in the Bank of Hey Hey.  If you mean “you” to refer to me personally, the answer is no way, baby, you know me – I totally meant to do that.   Trust me.

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

Tags: Children // Add Comment »

It’s been said that a poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits, and I assure you that I do.  As I look back at the chaos of this morning, 9 years ago, and at the ways in the which the world has changed since then, this one goes through my mind.  I wish I could dedicate it to Florida pastor Terry Jones in some kind of post-ironic jab, but I can’t bring myself to do it.  I could almost dedicate it to the web-hosting company Rackspace, which yesterday took the sites of the Dove World Outreach Center offline for violating their acceptable use policy.   In Geeks We Trust!

But really, this is for everyone, of all faiths, of all nations, of no faith, of no nation – we’re all stuck on this rock together.  Make the best of it.

 
hope leaves

In the battles, from trenches to rooftops, hope leaves.
As the jury reads the verdict, in the eyes of innocence, hope leaves.
As we take the last bite of the apple, hope leaves.

Hope leaves while the crowd roars and twitters away its freedom to congregate.
Hope leaves while propositions of hate carry the day.
Hope leaves while the unshorn are prodded by the unprincipled to vote for the uneducated.

Hope leaves as I look into the eyes of my children and tell them we have to move.
Hope leaves as we bury our friends, one by one.
Hope leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth. 

Hope leaves a reminder of what we’re fighting for.
Hope leaves the chance for appeal.
Hope leaves the seeds of a new tree.
Hope leaves the technology of change available to those who will use it.
Hope leaves no room for hate, no room for intolerance.
Hope leaves the promise of a new day in the morning.
Hope leaves the chance to make a new life, to start again with your own good hands and your family.
Hope leaves the light of what comes after, in the shining glory of a sunset, in a remembered voice, a favorite song.

Hope leaves no room for hate.

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:  Would it hurt to change the toilet paper roll and make certain the paper is coming off the roll from the top instead of the bottom?  (Is that too picky?)

Answer:    Yes.  If your man has changed the toilet paper roll at all, you have empirical evidence that he uses the toilet paper.  Be content.  

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

Tags: Children // 1 Comment »

This afternoon after work, I drove to Target to pick up a prescription for SOBUMD, whose knee hurt after her Dr visit to find out why her knee hurt.  Go figure.  She sent me to Target armed with the knowledge that they had the prescription ready and a coupon for a $10 gift card if you get your prescription filled there.  Since our co-pay is also $10, this is the functional equivalent of free drugs.

I pick up the drugs and take the gift card an few aisles down to the “self medicating” section, where I find a 6-pack of Sierra Nevada’s Pale Ale and head to the checkout counter.  Placing the beer on the belt, the checkout person requests my Driver’s License. 

Now, I’m a good looking guy, don’t get me wrong.  I look suave and debonair, handsome, approaching avant-garde – about as good looking as I can get and still be called a Big Ugly Man Doll.  I do not, however, look anywhere close to 21 years old. 

What kills me is that the Vicodin I just picked up – for someone else, mind you – probably has a street value of something like $300, and the only check they ran was that I knew what SOBUMD’s address is.  Age, identification, hat size, nothing.  But six bottles of cold barley soup?  Proof of age required, regardless of wrinkles.    

 (I will note that I almost never get carded when I have the kids with me, though we’re still not sure whether they constitute proof of age or proof of need.)

 But can someone tell me why we have tighter controls on a 12-oz cold one than on 40 Vicodin tablets?  Am I missing something here?

Tags: Children // Add Comment »