Big Ugly Man Doll

I was about to mention that even my cat is going to bed tonight dreaming of Natalie Portman, and then I remembered that he’s from Texas and he’s probably dreaming of Eva Longoria, and then I remembered that we call him Albus the Gay, and he’s probably dreaming of Johnny Depp.  And who can blame him?

The other cat, Professor Flitwick, is dreaming of Halle Berry, and I’m sure it’s Number One Son dreaming of Queen Padme Amidala of Naboo – although he was irritated to find out that her new movie (A) has nothing to do with Star Wars and (B) isn’t going to show up on his personal Netflix list for a LONG time. 

I’d like to thank the Academy.  I’d better finish that screenplay, so they can vote for me and I can kiss whoever presents the award.  Halle, Eva, Johnny Depp – I’m not picky.

Tags: Children // 3 Comments »

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:   What kind of measuring tape/ruler are you using anyway?  Is there a special ‘guy edition’ that I don’t know about?

Answer:   Yes, of course there is.  As a society, we’re still dealing with units of measurement originally based on human feet, and we still measure some things in hands.  Is it any wonder that most guys have “issues” with being able to accurately represent lengths between 4 and 6 inches?  

The best thing the metric system has going for it is that everything sounds more impressive in centimeters.   Suddenly a paltry 4 can be described in double digits!   No wonder the French were early adopters. 

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

I have a friend who can be a little breathless, and breathtaking, on the phone.  There are the small, social niceties that sometimes can make all the difference.  “Hello,” for example, and “Do you have a minute,” or “You’re never going to believe this,” are phrases that the savvy conversationalist can use to pave the way for a story. 

She doesn’t have any of those.

My friend has recently been on a kind of medication that tends to stop you up, if you know what I mean, and for the past six days had not passed her bowels.  (Yes, it’s another True Tale of Doody.)  Yesterday, the magic moment finally arrived, and to her great relief she passed 6 days’ worth of stoppage.  Wanting to share the glory with her best friend, she called her husband – to whom else would you relate such an achievement? 

He answered the phone and never got to say hello, since as usual she launched into her True Tale of Doody with nary a pause, reciting a blow-by-blow account of the best 15 minutes she’d spent since calling Geico last year.  In great detail.  With sound effects.  When, after a full two minutes of this recitation, she finally wound down, her husband asked her the one question she had not been expecting.

“I’m sorry, who is this?”

Wrong number.  Sometimes, it pays to say Hi.

Tags: Children // 8 Comments »

I woke this morning to the alarm, before anyone was up, to prepare for a Sunday morning meeting.  I got my slippers on, went into the kitchen and started the coffee, and peered out the window at the distant promise of sunrise.  The silence of the house was palpable.

“The name is Bond.  James Bond.”

I woke this morning to the alarm, before anyone other than Number One Son was up.   My heart rate probably hit the roof, but at least I didn’t scream…

Tags: Children // 1 Comment »

This summer will see at least one more BUMD road trip – yet another cousin is getting married in Chicago.  Since we all know prior planning prevents etc etc, we’ve started mapping routes, at least in our heads.  The Reigning Queen of Pink walked in on our review of the map, and asked what we were doing.

BUMD:  We’re planning a trip this summer – we’re going to drive from here to there.  The question is, how should we come home?
RQoP:  In an airplane?
BUMD:  No, no, we’re driving.  We could just retrace our path back home, or we could got from here to here to here to here (pointing at DC to Columbus to Chicago to Springfield to St. Loius to Nashville to Oak Ridge to Raleigh to DC in rapid succession).
RQoP:  Yay!  Can we stop to pee and buy things?
BUMD:  You bet.

So remember, no matter how long the drive, it’s OK as long as you can stop to pee and buy things.  That may sum up a hefty portion of the US economy, come to think of it.

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