Advent of Holiday Horror: Song 8

18 December, 2011 | | 3 Comments

A few days ago, we covered the 12 Days of Greed Christmas, which sucks, but is at least a thoughtful recitation of gifts received rather than expected

Santa Baby – you materialistic bitch.  And you thought the 12 Days of Christmas was expensive?  Let’s see, she wants a sable, a 54 convertible, a yacht, a platinum mine, a duplex, checks of unknown denominations, Christmas decorations from Tiffany’s, and a ring.

There’s been a 12 Days of Christmas Index for a while, tracking the cost of the 12 days of gifts.  For the sake of comparison, I present to you now a Santa Baby Index:

  • Sable:  Russian sable is the most prized and expensive fur in the world for its silky quality, rarity, and light weight.  Retail, a little sable jacket starts at about $16,000, and a top quality, silvery coat can run upwards of $150,000.  You don’t think she wants the small one, do you?  Me either.
  • 54 Convertible:  From eBay, 1954 Chevrolet Corvette Roadster, low miles, restored, light blue as specified in song, $89,900.00.  And yes, you can by one for me, too.  As long as we’re talking about it.
  • Yacht:  We’re not buying her Larry Elison’s megacruiser, here; she’s getting a nicely appointed 80-foot yacht, and it’s going to run about $3,500,000 just to get it in the water.  Maintenance is her problem. 
  • Platinum Mine:  The Stillwater platinum mine in Montana began commercial production in 2002 following an investment of $370 million.  This might be the “big-ticket” present.
  • Duplex:  We assume she’s a New Yorker.  Duplex, Laight Street, New York City, $4,995,000.
  • Checks of unknown denominations:  Average “money” gift from Santa, including gift cards, is estimated around $25.  She specifies checks, plural, so we’ll call this $50. 
  • Christmas decorations from Tiffany’s:  Santa key ornament in sterling silver, $225.
  • Ring:  We know she has a thing for platinum, and for Tiffany’s, so it makes sense that this is a platinum ring from Tiffany’s:  Etoile band ring with diamonds in platinum, $2,450.

I’ve got a total of $379,546,725 that I’m supposed to get under that tree?  She’d better be dating one of Bill Gates’s kids.  I’ll take $24,263.18 for the Twelve Damn Days any day. 

But if I’m going to make you listen to it, here’s at least a nice version with a few Hollywood starlets taking off their clothes.  (Yep, that’s Elaine Hendrix, who I remember as Meredith Blake in the 1998 Parent Trap, among other things.)   Maybe not worth $379 million, but it sure takes the edge off, doesn’t it?


  1. Tony says:

    Any song sang in underwear can not be all that bad…

  2. JEN says:

    Dare I admit its my favorite Christmas song?

  3. Big Ugly Man Doll says:

    Tony, I knew you’d see that was a Code F11 there.

    Jen, I figure I’m pissing off someone somewhere with each of my picks, or they wouldn’t still be getting radio airplay. Really, this one doesn’t bother me much at all either. Besides, watching Elaine do it has given me a whole new appreciation…

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