The Uncleverly Titled Horoscope

27 January, 2012 | | No Comment

Here it is already Friday - another week, another chance to catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week.  This week, for your fortune and favor, I’m highlighting some of the diseases many of you will be at risk for in the next 7 days.  Sucks to be you!!!

AriesAries (The Ram):  Next time you go to the doctor, tell her about those sores. Really – it’s not going to go away by itself.  Your lucky number is also the loneliest – 1.    

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):  You are happiest when involved in some kind of creative process, which is good since you’re going to spend some quality time alone this week!  Your high-risk disease this week:  Monkeypox

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   You enjoy mental exploration, and see where it’s lead you?  Right.  Despite that, you are loved, deeply, by people who are really really bad at saying that.  Knowing this probably won’t help, but it’s there.  Cling to it. 

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):  You don’t even want to know how badly your PC is going to crash this week.  Your data?  Buh-bye.  Backup your life, buhbala, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride!  Your high-risk disease this week:  Banana Wilt

LeoLeo (The Lion):  You’re awesome today, tomorrow, pretty much through Tuesday.  Wednesday through Friday is a greased slide to Loserville.   

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):   You made it through the wilderness.  Somehow, you made it through.  You’d been had.  You’d been sad.  You’d been blue.  How touching.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Black Lung

LibraLibra (The Scale):  Your sign is associated with the lower back and the kidneys.   Which is funny, considering the state of your liver.  Your lucky number is a buck ninety-five, exact change only please.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):  You are a sequence of small scenes played all out of order.  You are highly contagious, capable of causing explosive outbreaks, and characterized by fever, cough, and awesomeness.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Equine Influenza

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):  You.  Monday will be the best day you’ve had in weeks.  Ride that and coast for the week.   

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   That know-it-all Leo down the block from you thinks you’re cute.  He’s a stalker; don’t interact with him.   Your lucky number is 18.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Coconut Palm Bud Rot

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):  Your mama was young, and the skies were rocking with the dusty heart of a beggar woman on the night you were born.  You should listen to more Sally Oldfield, but only on Wednesday.

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  Tuesday will be better than Monday, Monday will be better than the weekend.  Your lucky number is Section 3.5.1.6.  You should probably lie down. Your high-risk disease this week:  White Nose Syndrome

 

Tags:
Posted in Children | No Comments »

Still not a Photoblog, Week 3

22 January, 2012 | | No Comment

Still not a photoblog, Week Three, without further preamble. 

 

Tags:
Posted in Children | No Comments »

Parenting is Hard

21 January, 2012 | | 4 Comments

There are a few bits going around the mommywebs right now that suggest parenting is hard, and then it’s easy, and then it’s over, and that we should enjoy it while it lasts because our kids grow up and then we’re not doing as much parenting and then we’ll look back on these days fondly and then we’ll die.  Or something like that.

Needless to say, I feel the need to weigh in on this.

Carpe Diem, they say.  OK, just carpe the moment.  No, wait, it’s OK to just carpe the good moments.  It’s ok that it’s hard, they say.  We all know you’re not really enjoying every second of every day, and that doesn’t make you a bad person.

All of that is true. 

What I will add is that as a parent, you’re breaking new ground.  We like to think that we know a great deal about raising kids – there are whole industries built around telling people how to do it, how not to do it, and how not to lose your freaking mind in the process.  None of that information is completely accurate.  We’ve gotten pretty good with the parts you learned in your high school biology class, sure, and we know more about diseases and how to treat and prevent them, but “raising” a child?  This is completely new.  No one has ever done this before.

There are no studies to guide you that will show the effects of this or that parenting technique on kids being raised in an era of instant communication, immediate gratification, and no borders.  Not only is every child different, but every day is new.  My early environment taught me that in order to listen to the song I wanted to hear whenever I wanted to hear it, I had to save some money and ask my parents to drive me to a store and buy the record and bring it home and play it.  (Record, vinyl, yes, I’m that old.)  My kids ask for a dollar and download a single song, play it 30 seconds later, and then tell 17 friends across counties, countries, and continents what they’re listening to and what they think of it.  They move FAST because the tools are in place to let them, and they’ve never known a time when those tools weren’t there.

We, on the other hand, watched these tools being developed.  We’re used to them now, and we use them – but we’re not natives, not most of us.  So of course parenting is hard.  We’re digital immigrants with self-induced ADD, trying to get through days that are filled with sensory overload.  Even without kids, we live in a media barrage of consumer-targeted advertising based on fear, making sure you have enough to worry about.  That way, you can spend money to mitigate those worries.  Do you realize that no one worries about burglary any more?  We get to worry about home invasion now.  What happened to all the burglars? 

We’re told that we can spend our way to safety, security, and serenity.  I’m going to set up a button on this site that will let you send me a dollar, in exchange for which I will send you a personalized note telling you that everything’s OK, you’re going to be fine, and you’re doing a good job.  But I digress.

With kids, who are crazy enough without external help, we suddenly have a new source of sensory input.  New parents aren’t used to sensory input devices that don’t come with an off switch.  They are suddenly faced with complete life-and-death responsibility, no operating instructions, and a society that will judge them at every turn, after the fact.  No one says, “I wouldn’t do that.”  They say, “I wouldn’t have done that.”  Yes, parenting is hard – as a species, we had to throw away the guidebooks for raising kids after the industrial revolution, because by the time the next generation rolled along, the books were obsolete.  Not only is every child different, but every day is new.  (Remember that this did not use to be the case.)  This not only hasn’t stopped, it’s gotten faster.  Fully half of what we consider “good parenting techniques” are still based in the 18th century.  We have digital kids.  We need to become digital parents, fast, and it’s hard.  Of course we worry ourselves sick – not only do we have television telling us to worry about everything, now we have life-and-death decisions to make for someone else, and the world watching.  You want me to enjoy this? 

So, do I enjoy my kids?  Yes.  Douglas Adams once wrote that the hours were OK, but the minutes really dragged.  I enjoy all of my life, even the parts that really drag – I’m generally just wired that way.  (Also, being in a good mood really pisses people off, which is an added bonus some days.)  Of course being a dad is hard.  No one said it wouldn’t be, any more than they said life would be fair.  But if you don’t smile and try to enjoy it, you wind up wallowing in self pity – and then the fear-mongers step in. 

The best thing we can do for our kids is make sure they see us enjoying them.  They’re taking in data on all frequencies and monitoring all channels, because their environment is training them to do so, and they notice everything about how we carry ourselves through the days, hours, and minutes.  Smiling – just forcing those muscles in your face to go up – actually tends to elevate your mood, to say nothing of making people wonder what you’re thinking.  Let them see you smile.  They’ll remember it.  After all, soon they’ll grow up and then it’s over and then we’ll look back on these days fondly and then we’ll die. 

In the meantime, everything’s OK.  You’re going to be fine.  You’re doing a good job.

Every child is different.  Every day is new.  Don’t worry about it.

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Children | 4 Comments »

Your Weekly Walk With Wisdom

20 January, 2012 | | 2 Comments

Here it is already Friday - last week is over.  Put it behind you.  Breathe in, now out.  Repeat.  You’ve got a weekend to plan!  Fridays around noon, assuming this server and I ever agree on what timezone we’re working with, you can catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week. 

AriesAries (The Ram):  Next week, the levee will break.  You will have no place to stay.  You will be taught to weep and moan.  Crying will not help you, and praying will not do you any good.  You will have to move.  I suggest considering a move to Chicago, or possibly Aberdeen, MD. 

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):  Good job sorting your clothes last week.  This week, maybe you can tackle the dishes?  Your kitchen is a mess, and your lucky number is zero.  Hop to it!

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   You will be offered a hamburger on Wednesday.  Hit it like the fist of an angry god, then pay for it Thursday. 

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):  She likes you.  She doesn’t want to sleep with you.  Some people just aren’t going to want to do that, and you need to respect that.  I know, you haven’t meet anyone yet who has wanted to do that, but they’re out there…  Somewhere… 

LeoLeo (The Lion):  You’re having a bad hair week.  It’s going to get worse before it gets better; don’t worry about it.  This is a good week to warm up the bike – helmet hair isn’t an issue today.

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):   Like a can of compressed gas, you’re waiting for something to blow.  This week all hell will blow up, and you will wait no longer.  Sunday, deals await you if you shop.  Skip Thursday, it’s loaded with an extra helping of whoop-ass with your name all over it.   

LibraLibra (The Scale):  You’ve called your congressman twice this year; once more and the FBI will be knocking.  You’re going to go downtown this week; don’t make it be the hard way. 

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):  Your suspicious nature causes you to be distrustful, but amidst all your evil character traits, you have grit and backbone.  The Wisdom of the Serpent lies concealed within you, along with a lot of pizza and those cookies your roommates didn’t eat fast enough so you ate them yourself.  Hey, they didn’t want them, did they?  Your lucky numbers are the 18th through the 27th numbers in the Fibonacci sequence.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):  You are an idealistic flame, waiting to light the fires of those around you.  You’re mutable, you’re eclectic, and you’re going to bust a heel this week.  Keep a spare pair of shoes in your desk Monday.

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   That Italian cruise ship sank because of you.  Chuck Norris weeps when he thinks about what you could have been.  How do you sleep at night?  Oh, and your mom will call on Sunday; don’t pick up the phone.  You don’t want to know.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):  Just as literature is news that stays news, you are as old now as you have ever been.  By Wednesday, you’ll be even older.  By this time next week, everything you know will have turned on its head and you’ll wonder why you ever wore your underpants on the inside.  Roll with it.  Your lucky number is nothing at all. 

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  You glory and delight in getting others to adore you, and why should you not?  You are the Shogun of your office, the Karmic guide of your bus stop.  You’re still going to have to clean the bird shit off the window on Tuesday.  

 

Tags:
Posted in Children | 2 Comments »

Vada a bordo, cazzo!

19 January, 2012 | | 4 Comments

I was going to post something pithy about the dangers of the SOPA and PIPA bills and why I set this website dark yesterday in solidarity with the EFF and all like that, but this jumped to mind instead:

Vada a bordo, cazzo!

Vada a bordo, cazzo!

Tags:
Posted in Children | 4 Comments »

Still not a Photoblog, Week 2

15 January, 2012 | | 2 Comments

This is still not a photoblog, and I don’t want it to become one.   I’m aggregating a picture a day, mostly of cats and food, on Sunday evenings.  It’s only been two weeks and already I have the sense that I should get out more.  Last week’s pictures weren’t too huge, and the format was OK if not great, so I’m keeping with that for now.  Let me know what you think.  Ready for Week Two? 

 

Tags:
Posted in Children | 2 Comments »

Who’s Fault Is It, Anyway?

15 January, 2012 | | 4 Comments

So there I was, innocently driving home this past Friday night, when I remembered – tonight was the night I was taking the Human Tape Recorder to her Theater Sports competition. 

“Her what?” I hear you ask.  Short version – it’s a bunch of kids on school teams competing to see who can do the best improv.  Think “Who’s Line Is It Anyway” with 7th and 8th graders, and you’re there. 

These 7th and 8th graders are better than average at this, albeit none of them is exactly that dreamboat Ryan Stiles, so I can’t say I’m dreading the trip.  Oh wait, yes I can – it’s not the show I’m dreading, it’s the trip to get there.  Why?  Because I’m not driving the HTR to the show, I’m driving the HTR and two of her friends, who are also with her school’s Theater Sports teams, to the show.  For 45 minutes.  In traffic.  In the dark. 

Three 13-yr-old girls on any given day will not be even close to quiet.  Three 13-yr-old theater girls on their way to an improv competition is like listening to the Stooges rehearse with a “Beach Boys vs the 1812 Overture” battle of the bands competition in the foreground, while trying to read 10,000 Twitter updates out loud at the same time.  OK, now try to drive without hitting anything.  After 10 minutes, the problem wasn’t “not hitting something with the car,” the problem was not WANTING to hit something with the car. 

We made it in one piece, sanity notwithstanding, and I disgorged my young wards into the host school, Rocky Run Middle School.  I paid my ticket and took my seat, finding a friend (the mom of one of the HTR’s friends) and commiserating with her.  The show started shortly, and we watched.  There were two games – first, your team is given 2 minutes and a nightmare thing to be scared of, and you take it from there.  Second, your team is given a “In a… With a… While…” scenario, and you have 2 minutes to create a plausible reason for someone on your team to yell “I can’t believe I’m in a thing, with a thing, while thingying,” inside 2 minutes, whereupon your skit is over. 

There were two MCs, presumably past masters of this craft and currently high school students.  They had been doing this kind of thing for a while.  I won’t say that they were both very much into theater, but one of them was Kurt Hummel.  I’m not kidding. 

One of the first teams up was afraid of exit signs – all the prompts were pretty random, which I suppose is the point – and they had fun with it.  One kid lead off with being obviously afraid of exit signs, and the rest teamed up to taunt the first one in a dream sequence.  One of them walked out, stopped dead center of the stage, and pointed out a-la an airline attendant all of the marked exits in the room.  He then had the chance to do what so many of us only dream of – he looked at the kid who was afraid of the exit signs, looked out at the audience, and yelled, “Fire!  Fire!” 

I turned to my parent friend and said, “Did that kid just get away with yelling ‘Fire’ in a crowded theater?  That is so cool!”

By the time the “In a… With a… While…” part of the show started, deep vein thrombosis was setting in and I was really thinking about yelling Fire myself, just for a chance to get up for 30 seconds.  Some of the “In a… With a… While…” skits were good, some were odd but good, and some were just odd.  One of the first teams up managed to roll through 2 minutes without getting to the line, running out of time and knocking them out of contention. 

The audience, getting restive at this point, all perked up with one of the skits near the end of this round, when a team was given the prompts of “In a Shoe, With ABC gum, While Poking the Homeless.”

Poking the homeless?  WTF, over? 

The kids, to their very real credit, did the best they could, and in 2 minutes made several references to “now you know it’s not right to poke those less fortunate,” et cetera.  Still, more than half the audience was very clearly muttering, “WAT?”

I can’t believe I’m in a public school theater, with adults in supervisory capacities, while listening to this.  Someone in Rocky Run Middle School experienced a very real lapse in good judgement Friday night.  The kids competing obviously knew it, and did what they could to compensate, but still – not funny. 

The first part of the show wrapped up and neither of the teams we were there for had advanced, so we collectively decided to relieve the pressure on our legs and brains, forestall the impending thrombosis, and make like drums.  We beat it out of there, discussing things that are funny sometimes and things that just usually aren’t.  All the teams did well, even the ones who did poorly, and I’m even looking forward to the next one.  I hope they have real chairs.

 

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Children | 4 Comments »

Daily Dose of Destiny?

13 January, 2012 | | 7 Comments

Here it is already Friday - how time flies when you’re struggling just to breathe.  The Big Ugly Horoscope needs a better title – The Daily Dose of Destiny has a nice ring to it, but I’ll be damned if I’m posting this daily.  Weekly Walk With Wisdom?  I dunno, send ideas.  Fridays around noon, assuming this server and I ever agree on what timezone we’re working with, you’ll have a chance to catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week.  To wit:

AriesAries (The Ram):  You’re going to rock this week!  Just kidding, your Monday will suck like everyone else’s.  Deal with it.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):  Taurus, Aries, Aries, Taurus, ya’ll look so much alike I can’t really tell you apart.  And you know what?  I don’t care.  Both your weeks are gonna suck, doesn’t matter.  Your week will suck more if you wear the red shirt on Wednesday; you should just get rid of it.  It’s bad luck.  Didn’t you ever watch Star Trek?

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   Sunday, drink two bottles of sparkling water and eat nothing but a banana.  Monday, hit the ice cream like it’s that Capricorn who stole your girlfriend.  Take Tuesday off.

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):  You know that really funny dick joke you just can’t wait to tell?  Take a pass on that one for now – your boss eats in the same restaurant and is sitting in the next booth over.  She hasn’t found dick jokes funny since the surgery. 

LeoLeo (The Lion):  Monday afternoon looks good for that coffee you’ve been meaning to get with your old boyfriend.  Don’t wear the same dress you’re wearing now; it’s ugly.

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):  A virgin?  Get the sacrificial knife!  Quick, get the – what?  What do you mean we can’t – oh.  Yeah, well, of course they’re an endangered species. Nevermind, um, you’re going to have a nice week.  

LibraLibra (The Scale):  You keep dreaming of food.  Thursday you will dream of meat pies made of IRS auditors and topped with fine-grit sandpaper shavings.  Skip the sauce, it’s bastard. 

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):  You really need to lower your standards.  You think a good week includes trips to New York, Disney, and Stockholm, or haute five-star burger joints.  Let me tell you, a good week is one where NOBODY DIES and trips to the ER are kept to a minimum.  Got it?  Try to have a good week.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):  Your boundless ambition is tempered only by your, your, um – nope, your ambition knows no bounds.  You are an amoral saber-toothed tiger, moving through this concrete Savage Garden like a bullet in butter, and no one can withstand your force.  This week is the wrong week to break off the affair with the boss’s admin’s daughter’s best friend.  Your lucky number is six hundred forty-three.

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):  It’s on!  Capri-corn, Capri Sun, Capri Pants! Let your inner nudist shine this week.  Leo is large in your future on Wednesday.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):  The guy you were dating?  You need to give him one last mercy fuck and then ditch his ass this weekend.  He’s not what you need, and you know it.  He knows it too, he’s just with you for the sex. 

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  That noise you keep hearing in the bathroom is the mirror sighing despondently for lack of your reflection.  You really are that good looking – you don’t need to lose that weight, you look fine.  You carry it well.  And you deserve that chocolate you’re going to eat on Monday, after the day you’re going to have! 

 

Tags:
Posted in Children | 7 Comments »

She’s a Sport

9 January, 2012 | | 4 Comments

The Reigning Queen of Pink, High Duchess of Fluff, and Protector of Barbies was sitting in her room this evening, in her pink chair, next to her pink lamp and under the pink curtains, writing in her journal, when I knocked and was admitted into the royal pink chambers.  I noted aloud that it was pushing a quarter to ten, and that despite the evening’s pretty snow, there was pretty much no chance that school would be delayed or called off – time for bed.

“OK.”  She really is a good sport about going to bed when told, I don’t know why.  She hopped down, closed the journal, and walked to her desk, where she put the journal away carefully in the second slot of the journal/magazine/paper holder thingy.  She then took the pencil, a large feathered (yes, pink) thing, and walked 2 feet down to the pencil/pen holder purse thingy, unzipped it, placed the pencil inside, and zipped it back up. 

She then turned to me, looked me dead in the eye, and said, “I think I got the organizational genes.” She took a step toward the bed, thought for a moment, and said, “Except neither of you really have the organizational genes.  I don’t know where I got them.”

Oh, snap.  That would be grounds for grounding if (A) I weren’t laughing, and (B) she weren’t dead right.  She’s an organizational sport, that’s all there is to it.  We agreed that she had a very useful random mutation, and I put the little pink mutant to bed.

Tags:
Posted in Children | 4 Comments »

1st of 52 Weeks

9 January, 2012 | | 2 Comments

This is not a photoblog, and I don’t want it to become one.  But, since SOBUMD last year took 365 pictures, one per day, and it seemed interesting, I’m trying it this year.  On the other hand, I figure if I post the damn things every day, you’re going to get pretty tired of seeing them – so, I’m aggregating them week by week, Sunday evenings.  We’ll have 366 days this year, but I figure the weeks are pretty safe:  I can run Sunday through Saturday and not miss a thing.  Right?

I tend to aim for larger pictures, so I apologize if they’re huge.  I’ll try to use cut tags for my LiveJournal friends, and use thumbnails on the main site.  Mind you, I say “try” – I’m not as technical as I let on.

Ready for Week One?  Let me know what you think?

Tags:
Posted in Children | 2 Comments »

Older Entries »