Conversations I Never Had With My Parents

25 September, 2011 | | 6 Comments

A note for the squeamish before we get started:  Let’s just say this one deals with “growing up.” If you’re not into that, may I recommend the one about the car, which is also about growing up but not as, ah, sticky.  Mind you, I know my dedicated readers tend not to be easily offended – those who are tend not to stay long enough to become dedicated readers. 

There are plenty of conversations I would never have considered having with my own parents – not through any failing on their part, but simply because I had, when I was younger, filters that limited the number of things about which I felt comfortable talking.  (The possibility that these filters have all burned away is left for this audience to debate amongst themselves.)  The world has moved on, of course, and there are whole topics that either didn’t exist or simply couldn’t be discussed at the time that are now commonplace, but there are still areas where young children in the process of becoming young adults simply don’t always feel comfortable holding public discourse.  Filters.

One of the great glories of living with Number One Son is that he has no such filters, and tends not to understand that other people do.  We try to educate him, sometimes by rote, in things that most people absorb through social interactions as a matter of course, and he’s gotten good enough at it that he’s fine in most social situations.  At home, of course, his guard is down – first because this is his safe place, as it should be, and second because his meds have usually worn off.  Still, there are times when the absence of those filters makes for some interesting discussion around the house.

Number One Son joined me in the kitchen the other morning.

BUMD:  Good morning, Big Man!
#1 SON:  Good morning, Father!  Well, I guess I’ve had my first ejaculation this morning.

Look, you try being an intelligent, responsible parent with coffee running down your chin and a stunned, thousand-yard stare look on your face.  These are the times, as a parent, when you get no warning of danger ahead until the river drops and you’re going over this waterfall Right Now, and your answer in the next 2 seconds has the potential to define a part of your child’s life, when you wish you could hit the big Pause button in the sky and think for a minute.  It took me a second to rise to the occasion – I mean, what exactly do you say to that?  How’dja like it?

BUMD:  Really. 
#1 SON:  Yes.
BUMD:   Um.  Well, OK.  Uh.  How’d it feel?
#1 SON:  Oh, it felt fine.

He could just as easily have been talking about the weather. 

BUMD:  Might I ask where this took place?
#1 SON:  I was in the bathroom.
BUMD:  And you, um, what were you doing? You know, exactly?
#1 SON:  Well I was going to go pee and I noticed it on the end of my dick.

It was a good thing I had already set what was left of my coffee down as a lost cause at that point.  The best I can figure is that he had a “nocturnal emission” as we used to say, and noticed the outcome (sorry!) on waking.  We had a brief chat about not bring this topic up at school, and off he went. 

Number One Son, still making me say, “Huh?” after all these years. 


  1. Diane Henders says:

    I laughed, but at the same time I was thinking, “Wouldn’t the world be a healthier place if all kids could drop those filters and have conversations like this with their parent?”

    Granted, our generation would spew a lot of coffee, but the next generation would feel perfectly comfortable with these topics. Imagine a generation of kids comfortable with their bodies and able to ask questions about sexuality without embarrassment.

    I wonder what effect that would have on unwanted teenage pregnancies, STDs, and so on. It’d be well worth some spewed coffee. Too bad it’s not likely to happen.

  2. admin says:

    Diane, it *would* be worth the spilled coffee, and we’re trying to raise three kids like that – although I confess it’s not easy getting past my own ingrained sense of “Heh. Heh. Heh. He said ejaculate. Heh. Heh.” ;-)

  3. Diane Henders says:

    LOL! Love your blog – I just nominated you for the Versatile Blogger award, which, sadly, is not as prestigious as you deserve.

    The explanation is here: Feel free to ignore rules as you see fit. I may joke about the award itself, but I hope you’ll accept the sincere compliment behind it.

  4. admin says:

    Diane, you are very sweet – my first award! :-) Thank you! Also – you are, no question, a better painter than I. My goal is not to become “good” but merely “less bad” over time.

  5. Barb says:

    What a great discussion. Once my kiddo discovered girls, all discussion of bodily function (except large excrement) went away. And I could just forget that long-awaited lesson of a prophylactic over a banana. I appreciate your man’s view. Congratulations and good luck.

  6. admin says:

    Thanks Barb, and welcome!

Leave a Reply

We love to hear your views.