The Hobbesian Horoscope, 12/7/12

7 December, 2012 | | No Comment

Friday, December 7th – a day that shall live in infamy, but hopefully not because of your horoscope.  It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

AriesAries (The Ram):   While getting ready for the holidays, you will have a tragic baking-related accident.  Those pastries can take your head off, man.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Kingella.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):    You really need to get out more.  It won’t make you feel better, but hey.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   This will be a good week for getting back into the swing of things, like surgery.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Lockjaw.

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):    This week you will start taking 10,000 IUs of vitamin D.  Every day.  By Wednesday, you’ll feel better than you have in years.  By Thursday, you won’t remember your name.  Remember to taper off!

LeoLeo (The Lion):   It’s a great week for watermelon.  They’re not in season, though, so you’ll have to make due with grapes.  Think of them as tiny watermelons and you’ll be find.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Metagonimiasis.

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):    You don’t even want to get out of bed this week.  Just stay under the covers – your pillow is calling.  It’ll be worth it – there’s nothing out there you’re going to enjoy this week. 

LibraLibra (The Scale):   Your high-risk disease this week:  Paracoccidioidomycosis.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   You will embark on a dangerous mission this week, one from which you might not return.  That’s right – it’s time to raid the castle! 

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):   You’re the best, and you know it, because you say you are.  That’s all it takes.  The rest of them can just crawl at your feet!  Your high-risk disease this week:  Molluscum.

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):  On Tuesday, you’ll notice that it’s cold outside, and bring your coat.  On Wednesday, you’ll notice that it’s cold outside, and wonder where the hell you left your coat – and pants.  On Thursday, you’ll notice that it’s cold outside, and remember bits and pieces of Tuesday night, but not enough to figure out where your clothes ended up.  Oh, and you might want to get that tested.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):   You will travel to Paraguay this week, but not for vacation.  You will need to find a 1500 year old stone artifact, a Zippo lighter from WWII, and an Angry Birds doll if you hope to make it home alive! Your high-risk disease this week:  Paragonimiasis.

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  This week, you should really try to get off Facebook and find a life.  You’re not even writing anymore.  Sheesh. 


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