Big Ugly Man Doll

Happy Friday, here at the arse end of November!  It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   You will be stuck in an elevator with one of those people who can’t stop talking.  After an hour, your ears will have fallen off and your mind will be ready to melt. 

Taurus (The Bull):    You’ll be faced with another Saturday night when you ain’t got nobody.  You’ll have a little money, but you won’t get laid.  You’ll wish you had someone to talk to.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Chromoblastomycosis.

Gemini (The Twins):   This is a great week for driving.  Not leaving, or arriving, just driving.  Remember that the road is the destination, and the destination is the road.  Except for the Dan Ryan Expressway – that’s just gonna suck.

Cancer (The Crab):   So there you’ll be, ready for that job interview, when your prospective employer hands you a cup of coffee to put you at your ease.  When you drop it and splash scalding hot coffee all over her white open-toed high heels, how likely do you think your chances are of being offered the job? Your high-risk disease this week:  Human Ewingii Ehrlichiosis.

Leo (The Lion):   This is a great week to have your prostate checked.  Don’t have one?  Check someone else’s prostate. 

Virgo (The Virgin):    Have you ever had the kind of week where you wind up in Las Vegas and never leave your hotel room?  That’s the kind of week you’re looking at, except you’re in Akron, Ohio. Your high-risk disease this week:  Hymenolepiasis.

Libra (The Scale):   This is a great week for giving presentations.  Do you remember that dream where you’re giving a presentation and realize you’re not wearing pants?  You’re not dreaming this time.

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   This week you will identify most drinks by the second sip; you can tell the difference between single malt and Irish whiskey by smell alone.  The problem – you’re 14 years old. Your high-risk disease this week:  Cirrhosis.

Sagittarius (The Archer):   It’s another tequila cupcake.  Give the cats a shot of whipped cream, and wonder why the cake pans always stick – just makes you sick.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):  This week, the checkout boy at the grocery store is going to give you the hairy eyeball as you come through his line with a zucchini, a cucumber, a parsnip, a banana, and a carrot.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Keratitis. 

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):    You’re going to have to pick up after yourself all week, since the maid’s on vacation.  Sucks to be you, particularly since you’re a messy eater, aren’t you?

Pisces (The Fish):  You’ll wind up having to eat your words this week, after telling so many people that any 12 folks who can’t get themselves out of jury duty aren’t your peers – you’ve got jury duty. Your high-risk disease this week:  Marburg.

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