Posts tagged ‘cholesterol’

Cooking With the BUMD, Day 3: Shelling Out for Dinner

11 July, 2010 | | 3 Comments

Have you ever wondered about what’s involved just getting ingredients to your kitchen?  I mean, never mind the gags about “who was the first person to eat that.”  Just think about the first person to think about putting all these things together – this was someone who contributed to the gene pool.  We can be sure of this, because their kids are now programming video games. 

Level 1:  Find a cow, which has twice as many legs as you do and outweighs you 4 to 1 or better.  Grab it by the teats and squeeze her milk into a bucket.  Bonus round:  Find a stick and churn the bucket like a mad beaver until the milk solidifies.  We’re going to eat that.

Level 2:  Go to the beach and dig a shallow trench.  Wait for the tide to go out, then wait for the water in your trench to evaporate.  There will be rocks on the bottom of your trench; bring them with you.  We’re going to eat that.

Level 3:  Go out to the field, find a small round flower that’s vaguely rose-like, but stinky.  Pull it up by the roots – we want the root ball.  Right, not the pretty part you can see, just the part in the dirt.  We’re going to eat that.

If you’ve completed those first 3 levels, you’re ready for level 4:  Find a green, damp place, and look for shiny trails on the ground or the leaves of plants.  Find a seashell moving under its own power, leaving a trail of slime behind it.  Grab a bunch of these – we’re going to eat that.

Level 5:  OK, now you have to get your avatar back to the kitchen, no doubt navigating a host of dangerous French predators who want your butter, salt, garlic, and escargots.  And who can blame them? 

Now for the win – once you’re in the kitchen, we’re going to cook the snails in the salt and garlic butter.  That’s right, shell-laden slimeballs with rocks, roots, and emulsified cow milk.  Oh yes, we’re going to eat that!

(By the way, there’s supposed to be an Easter egg hidden in this game – try throwing all the ingredients in the blender and turning it up to 11.  I don’t know what happens…) 

Julia Child should have played more video games.

Cooking with the BUMD, Day Two.

8 July, 2010 | | 2 Comments

Too much burgundy and brandy in the Bouefsicles; they never froze, and the popsicle mold tipped over.  Freezer looks like a damn abbitior.  I had to turn it off and let the cats lick it clean – furry bastards will eat anything.

Today I was going to try Julia’s Choux de Bruxelles a la Milanaise, but that turns out just to be Brussels Sprouts with brown cheese.  Is it me, or does everything just sound better in French?  (“Bonjour, je suis le Grand Déplaisant Homme Poupée!”)  Mind you, you could mix anything with butter, Swiss and Parmesan cheese, and more butter, and it’s not going to suck. 

Since it’s another 98 degree day with an air quality alert listed as “disgusting,” it was back to the Giant Blender of Death.  In with the soggy green golf balls, both kinds of cheese, a cup of melted butter, and one ice cube.   Blend until smooth and pour into chilled shotglasses rimmed with lime.


Cooking with the BUMD, Day One.

7 July, 2010 | | 1 Comment

Looked up the recipe for Boeuf Bourguignon.   Looked up the heat index on the Weather Channel.  Recipe calls for 450 degree oven; it’s already 102 outside.

Screw this.  Dumped all the ingredients into the 165-horsepower, V6 blender, poured the beef slurry into freezer molds, and made bourguignonsicles.   Julia can bite me.

An Inspiring Hollywood Story

6 July, 2010 | | No Comment

Tonight, SOBUMD and I, with 2 of 3 kids, watched Julie & Julia on Netflix on demand over the Roku.  And over the Wii.  And eventually over the damn internet connection on my PC.  Dear Netflix: I have three kids.  I expect, when I watch a movie at home, that I will be interrupted.

By them.  Not by you.  Fix your damn servers.  No love.

Anyway, Julie & Julia is a wonderful movie about an aspiring writer who tries blogging her way though the famous Julia Child cookbook.  By dedicating her life, her fortune, and her sacred honor to the blog, she wins the coveted book deal.  It is possible that I’ve heard this story somewhere before.  It is possible that SOBUMD is hoping that this wonderful story will inspire me.

And it has, dear friend, fond relation, and gentle reader.  It has.

Tomorrow, I make Boeuf Bourguignon!


18 March, 2010 | | No Comment

OK, the Big Ugly Man Doll does not, as a rule, do food reviews for things I didn’t actually cook myself, but we’re making an exception today. If you like meat and you do not live within about 90 minutes drive of the Washington DC metro area, you might want to skip this post and read the last one, which is a good bit and has Number One Son in it.

Because SOBUMD just took me to Ray’s Hell Burger, on Wilson Blvd in Arlington. And yes. Oh, hell yes.

Several years ago, there was a great quote from Car and Driver talking about the then-new VW Touareg. The upshot of the article was hey, this is a nice car, don’t get me wrong, but “to what question is the answer, ‘a $65,000 Volkswagen?’” I’ve since seen the Touareg, and I still don’t have a question to go with that answer.

In the same light, a person might well hear of a place that sells slabs of ground meat on a bun, and wonder to what question is the answer, “a $17 hamburger?”

I can answer that one. The question is, what should you splurge on, once a year, because it’s your birthday, when you’re at Ray’s Hell Burger? You should order “The Burger of Seville,” which lacks only Bugs Bunny on the piano. It’s a massive 10-ounce meal built with freshly ground, hand-trimmed beef. They then pack on foie gras, bordelaise sauce, awe-inspiring mushrooms, and – I’m not even making this up – white truffle oil, on a toasted brioche bun. The guys behind the counter had the cojones to ask if I wanted any side orders. These people are trying to kill me – I think they get kickbacks from the EMTs.

NOTE: Anyone prone to heart disease would do well to recall the subtitle of Rossini’s original Barber of Seville: “The Useless Precaution.” This burger comes with no precautions. Your taste buds will be under full-on frontal attack. They will surrender faster than the French army. And you will love it.

The day being clear and the sky being bright, we ate outside. SOBUMD had a delicious if more classic (read: cheaper) burger, done au poivre with fried onions and Swiss cheese; both were perfectly cooked to order, medium rare. Both dripped juices and grease down our arms as we enjoyed the day, the sun, and the meat.

The bad news is that I finished all of mine, scraped up the stray mushrooms from my plate, then polished off the little bite that SOBUMD was too full to finish. The GOOD news is that the people sitting next to us were Greenpeace activists in town for a lobbying convention, and they were able to mobilize a rescue team to roll me back into the surf. I’ll be fine.

Until next year.