Cooking With the BUMD, Day 3: Shelling Out for Dinner
Have you ever wondered about what’s involved just getting ingredients to your kitchen? I mean, never mind the gags about “who was the first person to eat that.” Just think about the first person to think about putting all these things together – this was someone who contributed to the gene pool. We can be sure of this, because their kids are now programming video games.
Level 1: Find a cow, which has twice as many legs as you do and outweighs you 4 to 1 or better. Grab it by the teats and squeeze her milk into a bucket. Bonus round: Find a stick and churn the bucket like a mad beaver until the milk solidifies. We’re going to eat that.
Level 2: Go to the beach and dig a shallow trench. Wait for the tide to go out, then wait for the water in your trench to evaporate. There will be rocks on the bottom of your trench; bring them with you. We’re going to eat that.
Level 3: Go out to the field, find a small round flower that’s vaguely rose-like, but stinky. Pull it up by the roots – we want the root ball. Right, not the pretty part you can see, just the part in the dirt. We’re going to eat that.
If you’ve completed those first 3 levels, you’re ready for level 4: Find a green, damp place, and look for shiny trails on the ground or the leaves of plants. Find a seashell moving under its own power, leaving a trail of slime behind it. Grab a bunch of these – we’re going to eat that.
Level 5: OK, now you have to get your avatar back to the kitchen, no doubt navigating a host of dangerous French predators who want your butter, salt, garlic, and escargots. And who can blame them?
Now for the win – once you’re in the kitchen, we’re going to cook the snails in the salt and garlic butter. That’s right, shell-laden slimeballs with rocks, roots, and emulsified cow milk. Oh yes, we’re going to eat that!
(By the way, there’s supposed to be an Easter egg hidden in this game – try throwing all the ingredients in the blender and turning it up to 11. I don’t know what happens…)
Julia Child should have played more video games.
12 July, 2010 at 12:34 am
But now you’ve made eating French food sound horrifically wrong. It’s different, but not wrong. Oh – and I am sure there is a reason that EVERYTHING tastes better with butter. EVERYTHING.
Are you really trying to cook from her cookbook remembering that French cooking has changed in the past oh, say – 50+ years? :-)
12 July, 2010 at 11:44 am
Funny post! Made me think (scary) that finding out more on how different cooking methods came to be would be interesting.
Please read the following and report back ;)
A History of Food, by Maguelonne Toussaint-Samat (Author)
It has chapter titles like “The History of Meat”, “Treasures from the Sea” and “Treasures from the Forest”
A Review:
“First published in France in 1987, the second edition of this dense tome is perfect for the historian on your list. It explores the 10,000-year-old relationship between humans and food, including facts about foie gras, the history of olive oil and the symbolism of poultry.” (San Francisco Chronicle, November 2008)
12 July, 2010 at 11:59 am
@Liadona: The cookbook hasn’t changed in 50 years, and the French have only had more time to practice surrendering. Granted, I like to surrender to a big plate of duck confit with garlic butter shallot reduction as much as the next guy, in particular if the next guy is named “Pierre.”
@Christine: Any book that covers both foie gras AND the symbolism of poultry (“What does it mean to give someone the bird?”) is a book for me. I’ll be checking my mailbox for that Amazon gift card. ;->