Big Ugly Man Doll

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you have have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

This week is a two-fer, since the topics are so closely related.
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Question 1:  Why can’t you put the clothes IN the hamper?  You can sure throw them on the floor NEXT to it – what is the aversion to IN the hamper?

 
Answer 1:  There’s no glory, no incentive.  If you put a backboard on it, he’ll try harder – no man can resist taking a fadeaway jockstrap jump-shot as he’s skinnying out of his skivvies.  Mind you, we’re not all Michael Jordan – but the percentage of clothes in the hamper versus next to it will go up if there’s a backboard.

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Question 2:  Why do you leave your underwear on the bathroom floor after taking a shower?  Do you think I have nothing better to do than pick up after you?

Answer 2:  Your second question could have ended at the third word, and the answer would still be a resounding NO.   He just got out of the shower, and he’s naked.  Naked men do *very* little thinking.

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Now you know. Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

Tags: Children // 4 Comments »

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you have have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:  Why are men such adrenaline junkies?

Answer:   Ah, a TOUGH question.  Why is it that the two most common sets of “last words” that men say just before they die are “oh shit” and, running a close second, “Hey ya’ll, watch this!”  In large part, this is showmanship.  It’s not just the chemical adrenaline rush – although that’s a big part of it. 

It’s the audience.  If you weren’t watching, we’d probably be content to scratch our balls and look at something shiny on television.  But we know you or someone like you will be looking, or it might be another guy watching.  If it’s you, we want you to see how tough, how brave we are – something deep in our genetic code thinks you’ll be impressed, and the other guys intimidated.  Never mind that quit working about 8,000 years ago.  (Well, it quit working on women.  Most guys are still intimidated when we see another guy do something really crazy and live through it.) 

Then, once you’ve done it, you find out what a great rush it is.  Like most drugs, you need more to reach that high a second time, so you have to do something crazier!  This is why the most hard core adrenaline junkies don’t breed often – they crash into something before they impress enough women.

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

Tags: Children // 3 Comments »

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you have have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

This week is a two-fer, since the topics are so closely related.
——————————————————————————–

Question 1: Why do men have to wring out their penis after a shower? Does it really suck up water like a sponge?

 
Answer 1: Nope.  We only do that when you’re looking, just to make sure you’re thinking about it.  “Hey, hey, look what I found!” only works once, twice if we’re lucky – this way you’re wondering about the one part of our bodies we *want* you wondering about most of the day.  Call it an investment.

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Question 2: Why do they keep their hands in their pants in public?

Answer 2: Again, we only do that when you’re looking, so you’ll think about sex more often.  Most of us would just hang it out there, but you keep calling the police.
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Now you know. Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

Tags: Children // Add Comment »

“Did you turn the oven off?” is a cliché, one of hundreds we joke about all the time, like the person with the glasses on their head looking everywhere for them, or geniuses who can’t match their socks to save their lives.  It’s a cliché, like any other dime-a-dozen cliché…. 

Until the first time you come home and realize that you have, in fact, left the oven not merely on, but on and set for “bitumen/anthracite overkill” on the broiler.  For several hours.  The house smells of meat overcooked weeks ago, the HVAC unit is screaming for mercy under the onslaught, and the pets keep checking roll call to make sure they’re all still there in case one of them’s next. 

You’re checking your oven now, aren’t you?  Before you get up, I’m going to take a moment to admonish you to check your smoke and CO detectors, too.  You do have carbon monoxide detectors, right?  We talked about this, right?  OK, go check the stove and the alarms, I’ll wait. 

Back?  OK.  This concludes the PSA portion of today’s post.  And let’s hear it for obsessive compulsive disorder – you might not get much done, but you’re going to live through it. 

Another in the “mother was right” category; not too long ago I was compelled to call my own mother when I did, in fact, cut my damn tongue licking the knife.  I don’t even remember what I was licking off; I just remember the sharp, searing pain of embarrassment – shit, she was right.  I had to call to let her know.  Since then I’ve learned that I can use that as a compelling argument to my own children.  “Don’t do that, because when you hurt yourself you’ll have to come tell me and I’m going to laugh at you!”  (Although my friend B sums it up much more succinctly: “No sympathy for stupid.”)

Do you have a “wow, I never thought I’d really do that” story you’d like to share with the group?  We’re all friends here. 

And yes, the house still has that faint ‘eu de char’ – smells kind of good, actually.  I might be inspired to try another Julia Child recipe…

Tags: Children // 1 Comment »

Have you ever wondered about what’s involved just getting ingredients to your kitchen?  I mean, never mind the gags about “who was the first person to eat that.”  Just think about the first person to think about putting all these things together – this was someone who contributed to the gene pool.  We can be sure of this, because their kids are now programming video games. 

Level 1:  Find a cow, which has twice as many legs as you do and outweighs you 4 to 1 or better.  Grab it by the teats and squeeze her milk into a bucket.  Bonus round:  Find a stick and churn the bucket like a mad beaver until the milk solidifies.  We’re going to eat that.

Level 2:  Go to the beach and dig a shallow trench.  Wait for the tide to go out, then wait for the water in your trench to evaporate.  There will be rocks on the bottom of your trench; bring them with you.  We’re going to eat that.

Level 3:  Go out to the field, find a small round flower that’s vaguely rose-like, but stinky.  Pull it up by the roots – we want the root ball.  Right, not the pretty part you can see, just the part in the dirt.  We’re going to eat that.

If you’ve completed those first 3 levels, you’re ready for level 4:  Find a green, damp place, and look for shiny trails on the ground or the leaves of plants.  Find a seashell moving under its own power, leaving a trail of slime behind it.  Grab a bunch of these – we’re going to eat that.

Level 5:  OK, now you have to get your avatar back to the kitchen, no doubt navigating a host of dangerous French predators who want your butter, salt, garlic, and escargots.  And who can blame them? 

Now for the win – once you’re in the kitchen, we’re going to cook the snails in the salt and garlic butter.  That’s right, shell-laden slimeballs with rocks, roots, and emulsified cow milk.  Oh yes, we’re going to eat that!

(By the way, there’s supposed to be an Easter egg hidden in this game – try throwing all the ingredients in the blender and turning it up to 11.  I don’t know what happens…) 

Julia Child should have played more video games.

Tags: Children // 3 Comments »