Big Ugly Man Doll

Yesterday was a real Hassel, and I’m sorry about that.  Today *might* not be that bad.

But then again, really, it might. 

Look, I’m a Gaga fan.  I am, I admit it.   Paparazzi?  Yep.  Bad Romance?  BTDT.  Telephone?  Call me.  Pokerface?  Love to.  She’s the closest thing we have to Elton John in the 1970s, and I love her for it. 

White Christmas, though?  We don’t have enough covers of this one?  500 covers isn’t enough?  Dozens of languages?  (I think this one has been done in click/pop.)   Bing Crosby said more than once that “a jackdaw with a cleft palate could have sung it successfully.”  Lady G says that she added a few verses to Irving Berlin’s original because it’s too short; did anyone tell her there’s an intro that she forgot to sing?

But no, she wants new lyrics, because the song’s over just as she’s really getting into it – like a bad orgasm.  She may have a question for the ManFAQ with that analogy.  (There are bad ones?  I don’t remember ever having a bad one…)   Nonetheless, she perceives a need and she fills it:

I’m dreaming of a white Snowman
With the carrot nose and charcoal eyes
And oh when he cries I’m gonna tell him / It’s okay
Because Santa’s on his sleigh and on his way

Somewhere, Bing Crosby is chucking in his grave, muttering, “I told you so.”   

Hon, when that snowman starts crying, kiss his ass goodbye – he’s melting.  Water + Snow = Bye Bye Time for Frosty.   (Also, in the video I’ve included for your viewing pleasure, I have to say that last time a women moved like that on my motorcycle, it involved a trip to the ER.  For seven guys.)

Dreaming of a white, somewhat sticky Christmas.  Yep, sounds like Gaga. 

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As we’ve noted a few times during this advent countdown, some songs are intrinsically bad while some have badness thrust upon them, all willy-nilly, by someone recording them who really, really shouldn’t.  Bruce Springsteen’s hit “Fire” is not a funny song, and yet I smile every time I hear it – because in my head, I’m not hearing The Boss, I’m hearing Robin Williams doing his impression of Elmer Fudd covering The Boss.  (“I’m dwivin’ in my caaa / tuun up da way-dee-oh” – and if I’ve done you no other favors in this entire Advent Countdown of Holiday Horror, I’ve provided you with this link.  If Elmer Fudd doing Springsteen doesn’t crack you up, check your pulse.)

And so we see that a good song can be made funny with a funny cover.  Unfortunately, most songs don’t get this treatment from their covers.  Some, sure, and some are Ronstadted, which is simply OK, and some are actually Claptoned!  (He didn’t write After Midnight, after all.  He just did it better.)   But some of them get Biebered. 

Hearing a good song getting Biebered is hard for us all.  But it’s not the worst thing that can happen to a song. 

Sometimes, they get downright Hasselhoffed.

Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht?   Heilige Scheiße!   Nein danke. 

Silent Night is a beautiful song.  It’s beautiful in German.  It’s beautiful in English.   It would be beautiful sung in the click/pop language of the Omuramba Ovambo tribes in the Kalahari.

But not if if were the Hoff doing the clicking.  He would somehow manage to convey his own sense of unctuous, hair-gelled smarm into the pops and clicks, and it would go from something beautiful to something that used to be beautiful before it was laminated, decked out with appliqué, b-jeweled, and vajazzled.  It’s not pretty any more.  It doesn’t sound like Silent Night so much as just make me wish for one. 

Go on, you haven’t had your dose of punishment today.  Click it.  Click it and suffer.
  

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If I’ve got the time settings correct on this blasted server, this note should post itself precisely on the instant of the Winter Solstice, adjusting for the drift between UTC, EST, and whatever timezone the server’s in, plus the fact that I’m (hopefully) sleeping right through it. 

Call it Brumalia, Christmas, Maidyarem, Dongzhì, Hanukkah, Inti Raymi, Meán Geimhridh, Modraniht, Shab-e Chelleh, Sewy Yelda, Soyalangwul, Yule, or Ziemassvetki – The Solstice has been many things to many people for many, many years.  Tonight is the longest night of the year; tomorrow will bring a victory of light over darkness and the rebirth of the sun. Mithra will be born again at the end of this night, the crops will grow, Father Christmas will ride his yule goat, and Beiwe and her daughter will ride again to herald back the greenery on which the reindeer feed.  We will cover our doorposts with butter, sprinkle our faces with the blood of goats, eat ourselves silly, dance the Horo, and generally get roaring drunk.   

We’ve been celebrating this moment, this day, this cusp of change of seasons, for something close to 6000 years.  Enjoy it!  In many ways, tomorrow is the start of the new year.  May it bring you happiness and luck!

Blessed be!

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OK, we’re into the top five.  The bottom five.  The worst five.  Before we proceed, let’s review the horrors that have gone before:

• Merry Christmas Darling, Karen Carpenter
• Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo, South Park
• Santa Baby
• Holly Jolly Christmas, Burl Ives
• I’m Gettin’ Nuttin’ for Christmas
• All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
• 12 Days of Christmas
• Last Christmas, Wham!
• It’s the Holiday Season, Williams Bros
• Dominick the Donkey
• Jingle Bells, Barking Dogs
• Feed the World, Band Aid
• It’s a Marshmallow World, Dean Martin
• Santa’s Beard, Beach Boys
• Our Love is Like a Holiday, Michael Bolton
• We Need a Little Christmas
• Happy Christmas / War is Over, John and Yoko
• Mistletoe, Justin Bieber
• Christmas Song, Alvin and the Chipmunks
• Baby It’s Cold Outside (the Date Rape Song)

Now, there are five songs left in this advent countdown that will join this pantheon of meh, this recitation of inglorious,  tautological, pathological repetition, holiday after holiday after holiday.   (I’m nodding off just typing this, that’s how boring some of these are.)

In the list above, some of the artists are noted since the songs are closely associated with them, and some have no artists listed because the songs have been covered by every Tom, Dick, and Hairy Muppet that’s tried to horn in on a little X-mas action.  Today’s song, truly doesn’t suck intrinsically.  It required a cover to suck.  And suck it does, unless you’re a girl between the ages of 7 and 12. 

Yep.  We weren’t done with the Bieb.

Someday at Christmas is a fine song.  A song of hope.  A song about a world where men are free.  Call me crazy, but after hearing Stevie Wonder put his heart and soul into “all men are equal and no men have fears,” Justin Bieber’s version seems to lack gravitas, to lack a certain depth.   I can’t quite place why.

Oh wait, yes I can – he’s a rich white kid who’s clearly decided not to cut his hair until his balls drop. 

So go on, make sure it’s as bad as I say.  Am I wrong about this?  Let me know. 

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