Advent of Holiday Horror: Song 3

23 December, 2011 | | No Comment

Yesterday was a real Hassel, and I’m sorry about that.  Today *might* not be that bad.

But then again, really, it might. 

Look, I’m a Gaga fan.  I am, I admit it.   Paparazzi?  Yep.  Bad Romance?  BTDT.  Telephone?  Call me.  Pokerface?  Love to.  She’s the closest thing we have to Elton John in the 1970s, and I love her for it. 

White Christmas, though?  We don’t have enough covers of this one?  500 covers isn’t enough?  Dozens of languages?  (I think this one has been done in click/pop.)   Bing Crosby said more than once that “a jackdaw with a cleft palate could have sung it successfully.”  Lady G says that she added a few verses to Irving Berlin’s original because it’s too short; did anyone tell her there’s an intro that she forgot to sing?

The sun is shining, the grass is green,
The orange and palm trees sway.
There’s never been such a day
in Beverly Hills, L.A.
But it’s December the twenty-fourth,—
And I am longing to be up North—

But no, she wants new lyrics, because the song’s over just as she’s really getting into it – like a bad orgasm.  She may have a question for the ManFAQ with that analogy.  (There are bad ones?  I don’t remember ever having a bad one…)   Nonetheless, she perceives a need and she fills it:

I’m dreaming of a white Snowman
With the carrot nose and charcoal eyes
And oh when he cries I’m gonna tell him / It’s okay
Because Santa’s on his sleigh and on his way

Somewhere, Bing Crosby is chucking in his grave, muttering, “I told you so.”   

Hon, when that snowman starts crying, kiss his ass goodbye – he’s melting.  Water + Snow = Bye Bye Time for Frosty.   (Also, in the video I’ve included for your viewing pleasure, I have to say that last time a women moved like that on my motorcycle, it involved a trip to the ER.  For seven guys.)

Dreaming of a white, somewhat sticky Christmas.  Yep, sounds like Gaga. 


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