Big Ugly Man Doll

Happy Friday!  It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   Barefoot through the glass again, naked and not what you’d call sober, and you wonder why you can’t get a Top Secret security clearance.  Don’t just stand there bleeding, fool – call the ambulance.

Taurus (The Bull):    This week you will find that fountain you’ve been looking for all your life.  You will throw the lucky penny you’ve been carrying around for the last 17 years into that fountain, in the center pool with a nice plunk of a splash, making the one true wish of your heart.  It won’t come true.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Cellulitis.

Gemini (The Twins):   You should really consider getting outside and walking more.  Mind you, it’s colder than a, well, it’s very cold. 

Cancer (The Crab):    You will be forced into a new project in the office this week, involving HSPD-12, which will doom your career since everyone knows that will never work.  You will become bitter and angry – and that’s just by Wednesday.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Leishmaniasis.

Leo (The Lion):   As an old school techie, you will be embarrassed this week when you try to access /usr/bin/xzy&eh*if-sig_fault9/ but instead go to /usr/bin/xzy&fh*if-sig_fault9/, causing a hole to open in the space-time continuum that can only be closed with the blood of a brindle calf harvested in pale moonlight.  Good thing you keep that sort of thing in the fridge.

Virgo (The Virgin):  Far from the gathering crowds, you’ll watch from a distance as all the rest of the people you work with discuss the future this week.  But you won’t care.  Deep within you, the tortured soul of the artist you long to become will burst forth in a brightly colored collage of light, music, and some kind of yellow gunk.   Your high-risk disease this week:  Chagas Disease.

Libra (The Scale):   On Tuesday, you’ll realize that you can’t find your umbrella.  On Wednesday, you’ll remember where you left it, and why you left it there.  When you see it again on Thursday, you’ll deny it was ever yours and pretend you don’t know the person holding it. 

Scorpio (The Scorpion):  You’ve been working too hard.  You should take at least 3 or 4 minutes off this week – you can probably schedule that for Wednesday. Your high-risk disease this week:  Zygomycosis.

Sagittarius (The Archer):   It’s training, training, training this week, and while you don’t know what you’re training for, you know you’re going to compete in something soon.  This week, pain is gain – feel the burn.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):  You outdoor plans will change from canoeing to hiking to skiing, all in the space of 2 hours this week.  Bring your parka, it’s cold out there.  Better yet, stay inside and pour yourself another Scotch.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Chancroid Haemophilus.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):   They say the pen is mightier than the sword, and you’re going to have that proved for you this week.  Well, not the pen so much as the word processor, and not because words cut deeper than knives, but because a word processor when thrown out a 5th floor window will achieve a speed just faster than 62 miles an hour before it hits the ground just inn front of you, missing your head by inches.

Pisces (The Fish):  This is a good week for taking your medicine as prescribed.  You really can sleep when you’re dead – get back to work.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Mumps.

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Happy Friday!  It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   You’ll start taking 20,000 i.u.’s of vitamin D this week, but it won’t help.  Mind you, the problem is your upside-down mortgage – the vitamins won’t help any more than those other pills did. Your high-risk disease this week:  Cryptococcosis.

Taurus (The Bull):    You will spend far too many hours this week sorting all the Smarties in the leftover Halloween candy into their respective color groups.  You say statistical comparative spectral analysis, I say OCD. 

Gemini (The Twins):   It should be a nice week outdoors, which you won’t see, since you’ll be tied up inside most of the week.  Don’t worry, you’ll come outside eventually.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Kuru Kuru.

Cancer (The Crab):    Remember that time you got really drunk on that Pacific Island vacation and decided that you, too, could walk across that bed of hot coals?  This week probably isn’t a good week to recreate that lost glory.  Make sure someone has 911 on speed-dial.

Leo (The Lion):   This week you will run across your old rhyming dictionary from school and spend the next 3 hours talking in iambic septameter couplets.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Gerstmann-Sträussler-Scheinker Syndrome.  (His syndrome is my syndrome, too!)

Virgo (The Virgin):    This is a good week for getting done all those things you meant to get done last week.  You won’t, but it would be a good week for it.   

Libra (The Scale):   You will plumb the depths of your soul this week, cleaning out the psychic lint that’s been accumulating for years.  Remember to sweep behind your id.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Herpes.

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   You will unexpectedly find that you have a few minutes to yourself this week, yet you will inexplicably waste them watching crime TV while drawing on yourself with Sharpie markers.  By Thursday, you’ll wish you’d gone to bed instead.

Sagittarius (The Archer):   You will lose yourself in a good movie this week, and then find yourself in a good restaurant the next day.  The downside is not remembering how you got from one to the other.  Don’t sweat it.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):   It’s all rainbows this week, but you’re still not going to find the pot of gold at the end of it – and you’re likely to hurt yourself if you keep driving like that in the rain.  Look, play the lottery – it’s easier, and you’ve got a better chance of winning than of finding the end of the rainbow.  Don’t be dumb.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):  You know, I don’t like Aquarius as a rule, but you’re getting a buy this week.  Enjoy it if you can.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Giardiasis.

Pisces (The Fish):   It’s another week of heartbreak and drudgery.   You need to find a new drug – one that won’t make you sick, make you talk to much, or make your head feel three feet thick.  Good luck with that.

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Happy Friday!  It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   Once again this week you will set breathtakingly low goals for yourself and still somehow fail to achieve them.  Your mother would be so proud. 

Taurus (The Bull):    Do you remember your 78th sexual partner?  I didn’t think so, but they sure remember you, and they’re looking you up on Facebook right now.  You’re in for an interesting week.  Hey, it’ll be like college all over again, except without the grades, pot, and free condoms from that clinic.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Chlamydia.

Gemini (The Twins):   This will be a week of transitions.  Some things need to pass out of your life while new things pass into it.  Change can be painful.  Drinking heavily is key.

Cancer (The Crab):    This week you will be offered a position as an unsalaried lecturer in internal medicine by your best friend’s cousin’s hairdresser’s daughter; if you accept, your life will be forever changed.  Choose wisely. Your high-risk disease this week:  Ehrlichiosis.

Leo (The Lion):   This week, while researching your ancestry you will realize that you are technically in the line of succession for the Scottish throne.  If 387 people were to suddenly have interesting and mysterious accidents…

Virgo (The Virgin):    You’ve always wanted to skydive.  This is NOT the week for trying it.  You don’t really even want to try skipping the last step this week – gravity is not your friend.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Gnathostomiasis.

Libra (The Scale):   If you had only one nerve left this week, someone would get on it, wouldn’t they?  Touchy, touchy.  Try to relax. 

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   This is great week for heads down rock and roll, along with learning to put up with people who make more noise that anyone would think possible.  Just because you’re smarter than they are doesn’t mean you can walk all over them – except in class.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Hookworm.

Sagittarius (The Archer):   You’ll feel powerful and liberated this week.  Hey, enjoy it – it won’t last.  Live it up!

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):  You’re really losing it.  By Wednesday, you’ll be quoting Shogun and wondering why your parents don’t call more often.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Isosporiasis.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):   This is a good week to just keep your head down.  People have had enough of the whole water thing with the hurricane, you know?   Shut up and keep bailing.

Pisces (The Fish):   Are you laughing yet?  Do I look like Bozo the fucking Clown to you?  This would be a good week for considering things you’ve never wanted to know about men, but were afraid to ask.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Elephantiasis.  You know where, too.  Ouch!

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Fourteen years ago, SOBUMD and I were surprised to find that I was right – a baby conceved in January has a pretty decent shot at getting herself born on Halloween.  I think she was more surprised than I was – the Human Tape Recorder held out for nearly 21 hours to make sure she hit the mark. 

As a Sweet Fourteenth birthday present, she got her braces off this morning – and came home to a Tootsie Roll the length of her arm.  Can’t beat that! 

Happy Birthday!

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Happy Friday – the last one in October!  Halloween is coming up – along with another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   This is a good week for emergency preparedness, or it would have been if you’d been prepared for the emergency.  But you weren’t.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Cutaneous Larva Migrans.

Taurus (The Bull):    You will be rated as non-exempt in your job position this week, which sounds great until you realize it’s because your position is being reclassified as “expendable.” 

Gemini (The Twins):   You will think it a shame this week that you get to feeling better because you’re not feeling any pain.  Run with it – not all pain is gain.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Cyclosporiasis.

Cancer (The Crab):    This would have been a good week to stock up on vitamins.  And by vitamins I mean alcohol. 

Leo (The Lion):   What the hell are you going to do with all those avocados?  Your grocery cart looks like a punch line or a middle school math problem.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Cytomegalovirus.

Virgo (The Virgin):    You may ask yourself this week where that highway goes to, and how you got there, and what you’ve done.  These are all good questions.  Good luck with your quest.

Libra (The Scale):   As you listen to the words of your favorite song when it comes over the radio in the shopping mall, you will realize you’ve been mis-hearing that one line your whole life, and you will never again feel clean.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Diphyllobothriasis.

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   It’s your birthday, all week.  Get down with your bad self.

Sagittarius (The Archer):   When the dragon comes this week, you can tell it no thanks, you’ve been once already, and to go find someone else.  Mind you, dragons are notorious for not listening too well.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Dracunculiasis.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):  The good:  Your life is like a book.  The bad:  With a lousy title.  The ugly:  By Stephenie Meyer.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):    You will make a concerted effort this week to read that book you’ve been meaning to read.  You’ll fall asleep with the lights on 4 out of 5 nights.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever.

Pisces (The Fish):  When you dream this week, you will dream of sleeping.  When you dream that you wake up, you won’t really be sure until you eat dinner, when you accidentally bite your tongue and wake yourself up again.  That night, you’ll bite your tongue at dinner and curse this blog post, saying “darn you, Big Ugly Man Doll!” 

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