Big Ugly Man Doll

Happy Friday!  It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   Standing on a corner this week, you will be struck by an epiphany.  Also, the number 27 bus.  This is *not* your best week.  Just be glad it’s not your last!

Taurus (The Bull):    You will finally apply for that Top Secret clearance this week.  Boy howdy, will you ever regret that.  Hooee.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Enterococcus.

Gemini (The Twins):   You will fall off the vegetarian bandwagon this week, reveling in glorious raw flesh, meat, sweet and full of flavor, guilt, and marrow. 

Cancer (The Crab):    You will become an overnight sensation this week when that YouTube video of you falling into the pool drunk with your clothes half off goes viral.  And by “overnight sensation” I mean you’re fired.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Epstein-Barr.

Leo (The Lion):   This week, you will be invited to a birthday party.  Yay for parties!  The celebrant is turning 5 years old, a fact that you won’t realize until after you walk in with a gift-wrapped bottle of tequila. 

Virgo (The Virgin):     You will have a telephone delivery go so badly that T-mobile will have to intercept the package.  When you call them, they’ll give you UPS’s phone number.   UPS won’t be able to help you, because they’re still showing incomplete delivery info, because T-mobile has you listed under a made-up hyphenated name that is a butchering of your maiden name and married name.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Fasciolosis Fasciola.  And also rage.

Libra (The Scale):   As you review 10,000 photos, trying to decide which one will make the cut, you will realize that you’re going to be here all year at this rate and start applying filters willy nilly – eventually it ends with “Tits, or GTFO.”  Don’t go there. 

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   You really need to watch something other than crime TV – that’s not the world, that what the world watches.  Besides, you’re too young to register a gun in your own name.  Also, try to be nicer to people.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Fatal Familial Insomnia.

Sagittarius (The Archer):   Bad news:  you’re going to spend the week in front of a hot stove.  Good news:  Award winning cupcakes, baby!  Do the work, win the prize.  The world isn’t all bad.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):  You will attend your first Toastmasters group meeting this week.  Even they will laugh and make fun of you.  Burn the speech, it’s a dud.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Fifth Disease.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):    You will be forcibly abducted by realtors this week and made to watch Househunters until blood comes out your ears, i.e., 3 episodes.  They won’t let you go until you agree to close with no points.  The only bright spot is that rates are really low right now…

Pisces (The Fish):  You will have a great week, as long as by great you include high-end vacations like getting your hair cut, mowing the lawn, working on a proposal effort for the office, and working in your basement.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Gangrene.  Mind that mitre saw!

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Happy brisk October Friday!  It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   The weather will get colder, but your wardrobe will not keep up.  By Wednesday, that miniskirt will seem like a really bad idea.  Particularly since it doesn’t quite hide your jockstrap.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Blastocystis Hominis.

Taurus (The Bull):    Do you remember the scene in the horror movie when the soon-to-be-victim tries to scream, but they’re too scared and nothing comes out and they can’t move because they’re paralyzed with fear?  Yes?  You’re really not going to enjoy Thursday. 

Gemini (The Twins):   Looks like you picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.   Monday you’ll notice that your bar is dangerously empty, but you won’t fill it.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Sixth Disease.

Cancer (The Crab):    You will try to learn a new software application this week, in one week flat.  You will fail, of course, but hey – good on you for trying.  It’s OK; nobody learns everything about SAP in a week except Chuck Norris.

Leo (The Lion):   This is a good last week to tune up the bike and light out for the open road – it’s getting cold out there.  You won’t be cold, thought – your high-risk disease this week is Brazilian Hemorrhagic Fever.  (So named because someone once asked, “What’s her temperature?” and the answer was, “Oh man, she’s a brazilian degrees!”

Virgo (The Virgin):     Have you ever been to Red Hot and Blue after hours, when they close the doors and lock the windows so no one can see that it’s not really pigs they’re cooking?  You’re going to regret this on Tuesday, but not as much as you’ll regret the “Big Rib Special.”

Libra (The Scale):   This week, you will find yourself faced with the words “the Smurfs are all geared toward a reading skill” and you will suddenly understand, with a terribly knowing, the meaning of “learning through play.”  You will never un-learn this, just like your Virgo friend with the rib platter.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Calicivirus.

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   What are you doing reading this?  Don’t you have work to do?

Sagittarius (The Archer):   Life goes on, and you’re coming along for the ride.  It gets better, mostly, and for moderate values of “better,” but still.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Cat-Scratch Disease.  No, it’s not just a song.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):  You would like a budgetary quote that you can run past your client.  Your vendor would like a blank check and a promise of more to come.  Your kid would like a tricycle and a teddy bear, and people in hell want ice water.  Good luck with that.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):   This is the week you finally realize you’ve been manipulated all your life.  Monday, you will confront your puppet master, only to find it’s some guy named Mac who had no idea you were actually responding to his input – he didn’t know you were real.  Kill him, then confront your guilt.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Buruli Ulcer.

Pisces (The Fish):   You will pay good money to hear a speaker from your own damn company talk about how they’re going to find new ways to screw you, and then you’ll thank them for the privilege. 

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Happy Friday and welcome to postseason baseball.  We’re now well into the short and nasty barrel of October, particularly if you’re a fan of the Atlanta Braves – it’s time to stop and reflect on just how awful the rest of the month will be.  The couldas.  The shouldas.  The infield fly rule.  And that’s just the political debates.  Either way it’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   This will be one of those weeks that makes you look back fondly at the good old days when you were constipated.  You might want to postpone that road trip. 

Taurus (The Bull):    I know you think it’s cool, but that hat is neither functional nor decorative.  You look like a jerk in a hat.  Lose it.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Neospora Caninum.

Gemini (The Twins):  This is a good week to rock the benefits of sweaternomics, baby – it doesn’t matter how much the boots cost.  The only thing that matters is how how they look with the dress you had to buy to go with them. 

Cancer (The Crab):    You are getting very sleepy.  Follow this watch with your eyes.  See the reflection of your soul as it ticks back and forth.  You are very sleepy.  OK, good.  Now take off your clothes.  Your high-risk disease this week:  African Sleeping Sickness.

Leo (The Lion):   This is a good week for introspection and thinking about next year.  No, not really.  It’s a good week for beer.  Find a decent six pack – you’re going to need it.

Virgo (The Virgin):     Your lucky numbers are nine and six, but your safeword is “harder.”  This might be a good week to think about changing that.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Bacterial Vaginosis.

Libra (The Scale):  Looks like a good week for getting to that restaurant you’ve been talking about.  Too bad they’re out of beer. 

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   This is a good week for learning the true meaning of crushing, incomprehensible defeat.  I’m not saying you’ll enjoy it, mind you… Your high-risk disease this week:  Astrovirus.

Sagittarius (The Archer):   This week, you’ll see someone else riding around town with the girl you love, and you’ll be like, “Fuck you!”  Sorry about that – I guess the change in your pockets just wasn’t enough for her.  Why don’t you talk to your dad about it?

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):  Remember that book you sent out to the publishers nearly a year ago?  Pop the bubbly, baby, you’ll finally get that rejection letter this week.  The long wait is over.  Time for another envelop.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Balantidiasis.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):    I still can’t believe you’d go steal that Sagittarious’s girlfriend.  Or should I say, outbid?  Enjoy it while it lasts – she’ll never forget you ’til somebody new comes around.

Pisces (The Fish):  Never admit anything.  You may be offered the Nobel Peace Prize this week – duck.  Tell them it wasn’t you.  If you stick your head up this week, it’s going to get shot at.  You know, like all the rest of the weeks. Your high-risk disease this week:  Aspergillosis.

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Happy Friday, here at the end of September.  As we stare down the short and nasty barrel of October, preparing for that long holiday slide into the new year, we need to stop and reflect on just how awful the next few months will be.  The fruitcakes.  The parties.  The idiots.  And that’s just the election.  Either way it’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   The restaurant you’re planning to eat at will be condemned for health reasons an hour before you get there.  That’s not good news, since you recommended it so highly to your boss on the way there.  McDonald’s just isn’t the same kind of place for asking for a raise, is it?   Your high-risk disease this week:  Furunculosis.

Taurus (The Bull):    Wow.  All I can say is good luck this week – you’re going to need it!

Gemini (The Twins):  This is a good week for planning.  Not all the plans will come to fruition, but you’ll be better for having made them – like a man, scorned and covered with scars, still striving, with his last ounce of courage, to reach the, um, you know, unreachable stars.  And so forth.  Sorry.  Anyway, your high-risk disease this week is Contagious Ecthyma.  Don’t ask me how to pronounce it.

Cancer (The Crab):    You will feel like you’re in a maze this week, in your office, metaphorically speaking.  You will look for the cheese, the rat poison, the Minotaur, anything to get you the hell right out of there, but you will not find it.  They’ve moved your cheese, dude.  Time to move on.

Leo (The Lion):   This week, you will find your own sense of meaning and purpose in 50 Shades of Grey.  Mind you, that purpose may be to write balls to the wall erotica that won’t make people with a college degree cringe, but still, you know, Purpose.  Everything is better in Capitol Letters.   Your high-risk disease this week:  Bovine Tuberculosis.

Virgo (The Virgin):    This week, you need to consider if you’re carrying this whole “virgin” thing too far.  The unicorns didn’t get on the Ark, you know that, right?  You’re not going to catch one, and you’re missing out on a whole lotta hey hey! 

Libra (The Scale):  Your winning streak continues this week, which really goes against the grain of this Hobbesian horoscope, but hey, I calls ’em like I sees ’em.  Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll have a really lousy week soon enough.  Enjoy it while you can!  Your high-risk disease this week:  Equine Infectious Anemia.

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   This week your friend will claim they got a flat tire picking you up, making you late for dinner.  If you confront them, they’ll hit you upside the head with a tire iron. 

Sagittarius (The Archer):   You will be visited by 2 friends, 1 real friend, and the spiritual embodiment of Hello Kitty this week.  Figuring out which is which is your problem.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Diphtheria.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):  While you will, in fact, narrowly avoid death this week, it will cause you to ponder the meaning of life and the consequences of your actions.  Introspection is NOT a good look on you.  Have a beer.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):    You will go to the movies this week, and accidentally sit down in the wrong theater and watch the wrong show.  You’ll love it, but you’ll change your name to Midge before you admit it to your friends.  Hey, gender is relative these days.  Don’t sweat it.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Echinococcus Multilocularis.

Pisces (The Fish):   This week, someone will finally ask you if you’ve been making it all up this whole time.  Have your deflector shields ready – they’re onto you!

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You need some background here.  Our nextdoor neighbors are wonderful and delightful, largely because they speak almost no English whatsoever and never bother anyone except to wave and smile.  They have two boys, grown and married, and since the boys don’t live there any more, and my command of Korean is limited to basic menu items, we don’t talk much.  (There are only so many social situations where it would be acceptable to greet someone with “Bibimbop!  Bulgogi jap-cha!  And a Coke!”) 

But we do see them, because they garden – beautifully, I should add.  This year, Mrs. Kim planted some kind of pumpkin-like vine next to our fence, and trained it along the fence from the middle of the yard all the way to the gate, probably 40 feet.  Despite all her work, it grew exactly one item – a large, long green and yellow thing that looks like a cross between a goose-neck pumpkin and a cricket bat – on my side of the fence. 

Now, there’ve been cucumbers and a few peppers that have grown through the fence, and I’ve made sure not to pick them; it’s easy enough for her to reach over for them, and they’re in plain sight.  This monster, despite its size, is hidden in the vines and undergrowth. 

I pointed it out to her a few weeks ago, making sure she knew that the Squash of Ages was growing there, and got some good smiles and head nods.  Yesterday I decided that I would remind her about it, since I have no idea when it should be cut and harvested – nor indeed what it is.  Putting thought to action, I grabbed SOBUMD’s iThingy, dialed up an English to Korean translator, and walked out the back door.  SOBUMD looked on in horror.

What???  This works on those ads on TV all the time!

I looked up a phrase in Korean that would adequately express the idea of “Don’t forget to harvest this large zucchini/pumpkin/thingy before we get a frost.”  It spit out something that to my untrained ear sounded suspiciously like “bibimbop with kimchi, bulgogi jap-cha, and a Coke.”  It then occurred to me just how many ways talking to my 60-something-yr-old Korean neighbor through an automated translator could go wrong.  Did I really want to risk telling her to grab her long thing and pull it, or worse?

I chickened out.  After pointing and waving and smiling some more, I came back inside and ran my would-be message of International Vegitable Cooperation back through a Korean to English app.  I would eventually have managed to tell her:  “Grasp the big Earl before he cuts you, then remember to seize the day! You are a very cold woman!” 

Probably best to just keep smiling and nodding.  Still, I hope she takes it home before it eats my fence.

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