Big Ugly Man Doll

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Answer:    This is the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in action.  If you weren’t watching, we’d call someone.  Or more likely, we’d just leave it broken.  If you didn’t need it all of last night, it’s probably not that important.  But, since you’re there, we feel that we need to remind you that we’re better, more manly, more suitable as a mating partner than the maintenance guy – not just in bed, but everywhere.  After all, if he tried doing my job, he’d get fired and probably sued, or killed.  But we could do his job, you betcha.  “Hey ya’ll, watch this!”

The best part of this is the look on our faces when we give in, admit that we’re not going to get around to whatever that is – not that we couldn’t, mind you, we’re just too busy – and when the professional comes to make it all better, it’s a woman.  Most of us just totally short-circuit, particularly if she’s cute. 

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Answer:   First, you need to drink more.  No no, more than that.  Make yourself a good Cosmo and splash some around – you’ll need a “starter mess” to get used to.  Then find yourself some good chocolate; you know you deserve it.  OK, deep breath, now exhale.  Put the wrapper on the floor.  Just drop it.  Deep cleansing breath, the first step can be the hardest.  Just let the wrapper fall.  Let it go.

Someone else will pick it up eventually; that someone else might even be you, several hours from now, but that person’s not here yet.  Did you just finish that Cosmo?  Have another drink.  Good.  Now, find a nice comfy chair where you can still see that candy bar wrapper on the floor.  Sit down, eat the chocolate.  Mmmmmmmmmm, it’s good, isn’t it?  You’re going to relax for a moment, just eating the chocolate, taunting that mess over there with it.  You’re getting the hang of this!  Now remember, if anyone walks in, you were just in the middle of cleaning up.  Literally in the middle of cleaning.  You were just taking a break for a minute.  You were going to get to back to it real soon. 

Mmmmm, chocolate. 

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you have have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

This week is a two-fer, since the topics are so closely related.
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Question 1:  Why can’t you put the clothes IN the hamper?  You can sure throw them on the floor NEXT to it – what is the aversion to IN the hamper?

 
Answer 1:  There’s no glory, no incentive.  If you put a backboard on it, he’ll try harder – no man can resist taking a fadeaway jockstrap jump-shot as he’s skinnying out of his skivvies.  Mind you, we’re not all Michael Jordan – but the percentage of clothes in the hamper versus next to it will go up if there’s a backboard.

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Question 2:  Why do you leave your underwear on the bathroom floor after taking a shower?  Do you think I have nothing better to do than pick up after you?

Answer 2:  Your second question could have ended at the third word, and the answer would still be a resounding NO.   He just got out of the shower, and he’s naked.  Naked men do *very* little thinking.

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Now you know. Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you have have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Answer:   Ah, a TOUGH question.  Why is it that the two most common sets of “last words” that men say just before they die are “oh shit” and, running a close second, “Hey ya’ll, watch this!”  In large part, this is showmanship.  It’s not just the chemical adrenaline rush – although that’s a big part of it. 

It’s the audience.  If you weren’t watching, we’d probably be content to scratch our balls and look at something shiny on television.  But we know you or someone like you will be looking, or it might be another guy watching.  If it’s you, we want you to see how tough, how brave we are – something deep in our genetic code thinks you’ll be impressed, and the other guys intimidated.  Never mind that quit working about 8,000 years ago.  (Well, it quit working on women.  Most guys are still intimidated when we see another guy do something really crazy and live through it.) 

Then, once you’ve done it, you find out what a great rush it is.  Like most drugs, you need more to reach that high a second time, so you have to do something crazier!  This is why the most hard core adrenaline junkies don’t breed often – they crash into something before they impress enough women.

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you have have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

This week is a two-fer, since the topics are so closely related.
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Question 1: Why do men have to wring out their penis after a shower? Does it really suck up water like a sponge?

 
Answer 1: Nope.  We only do that when you’re looking, just to make sure you’re thinking about it.  “Hey, hey, look what I found!” only works once, twice if we’re lucky – this way you’re wondering about the one part of our bodies we *want* you wondering about most of the day.  Call it an investment.

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Question 2: Why do they keep their hands in their pants in public?

Answer 2: Again, we only do that when you’re looking, so you’ll think about sex more often.  Most of us would just hang it out there, but you keep calling the police.
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Now you know. Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!