Should be to read Jasper Fforde, if you haven’t. It is without doubt possible, though my more staunch fans will scarce believe it, that the man is funnier than I am. You simply must try him, before the year is out. You only have 358 days to go!
I’m looking forward to having 2008 over and done with. Right now, I’ve decided that next year I will gather some of my larger friends and, with myself, create a pictoral manual of 300 yoga poses for fat guys drinking beer. Folks like us need exercise and stretching as well, but we need poses that won’t make us spill our beers. In 2009, I will fill this need – I so resolve.
And to all, a wonderful 2009, yoga or no!
OK, enough already with the whole "peace on earth and good will" stuff. I wish each and every one of you fantastic sex, preferably with someone you’ve met before. Without further ado, I present The Holiday Letter:
http://www.dougandjulie.com/letter/Dear_Friends_and_Relations_2008.pdf
Some holiday music is just fine. Some of it is really, really hard to explain. I have to wonder about the songs that give away a little too much about the holidays, if you know what I mean – kids are listening to this, you know?
I’ve heard so many different lyrics to “Carol of the Bells” that I no longer recognize the real ones when I hear it. (“Would you like an apple pie with that?”)
And then there are the wholly inappropriate songs that should have been retired long, long ago. SOBUMD and I refer to “Hey Baby, It’s Cold Outside” as The Date Rape Song. Case in point, the fourth and fifth stanzas below are almost completely verbatim from the Frank Loesser original published in 1948. What the hell was he thinking? This is probably how it should go:
I really can’t stay
(but, baby, it’s cold outside)
I thought you were gay!
(honey my beard just died)
This evening is done
(Been looking forward to this)
so say buh-bye
(You know you want it, come on don’t lie)
My mother will start to freak
(you’re beautiful when you’re humming)
You’re such an ostentatious bore
(listen to the fireplace roar)
My folks are gonna bitch a blue streak
(don’t leave me up blue-ball creek)
well, maybe just a half a drink more
(look over there while I pour)
I know what you think
(this couch has a bed in there)
say, what’s in this drink?
(some roofies I mixed in there)
I wish I knew what
(you’re gonna be mine, you slut)
what in the hell?
(Turn off your phone, it’s just as well)
I want to say no, no, no sir
(mind if I move in closer?)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried
(what’s the sense of hurtin’ my pride?)
I really can’t stay
(You know that you can’t hold out)
Ah but it’s cold outside
(See baby, it’s cold outside)
I simply must go
(but, baby, it’s cold outside)
The answer is no
(but, baby, it’s cold outside)
The welcome has been
(how lucky that you dropped in)
so nice and warm
(look out that window at that storm)
The gossip’s gonna be horrific
(Gee, your hair smells terrific)
my brother stands six-foot-four
(lose the bra you two-bit whore)
He’s a starting linebacker with
(I said lose the what did you just say)
The Cleveland Browns
(you know I just been clown’n around)
My father has a shotgun
(but, baby, it’s – what’d you say?)
He just got out of prison
(but, baby, it’s – what’d you say?)
You’re really a prick
(I’m feeling a little sick)
You lousey schmuck
(her dad’s done time, it’s just my luck)
We’re gonna have a talk tomorrow
(I hope you don’t remember tomorrow)
unless you get your ass out of town
(you know I love those Cleveland Browns)
I really can’t stay
(Yeah, I’ve called you a cab)
Ah, but it’s cold outside
(Here’s your coat, get outside)
Baby, it’s cold outside
I mean, sheesh.
One of the many dangers of helping your kids with their homework is that you won’t be able to – sometimes for vastly different reasons. Number One Daughter got halfway through her homework this evening before shouting for help. The assignment was to take any eight of her 18 weekly study words and write at least 8 jokes, with a study word as the answer.
You can imagine the issue. Can I write jokes? Don’t call me surely. Can I write the kind of jokes a ten-yr-old would come up with, that she can pass off as hers? You must be Lupin, ’cause you’re surely not Serious. I’m just not 10 anymore – no comments, you.
The words to choose from are: applaud, appoint, balloon, cocoon, counsel, coward, daughter, devour, doubtful, exploit, faucet, fountain, laundry, noodle, poison, rejoice, rowdy, shampoo.
I thought I’d take a moment to share why I can’t do my daughter’s homework for her. The best I could do for her were the following:
The first two, OK, I’m channeling my inner child. The third, my kid, maybe. The last one, let’s face it, her teacher’s gonna know it’s not a 4th Grader writing anymore. And then there’s a whole list of “no, don’t write that down.”
Please comment with your own examples. You will be graded on punctuation, spelling, and usage. (There will be no math.)