Christmas Carols Really Bother Me

Some holiday music is just fine.  Some of it is really, really hard to explain.  I have to wonder about the songs that give away a little too much about the holidays, if you know what I mean – kids are listening to this, you know?

I’ve heard so many different lyrics to “Carol of the Bells” that I no longer recognize the real ones when I hear it.  (“Would you like an apple pie with that?”) 

And then there are the wholly inappropriate songs that should have been retired long, long ago.   SOBUMD and I refer to “Hey Baby, It’s Cold Outside” as The Date Rape Song.   Case in point, the fourth and fifth stanzas below are almost completely verbatim from the Frank Loesser original published in 1948.  What the hell was he thinking?   This is probably how it should go:


I really can’t stay
(but, baby, it’s cold outside)
I thought you were gay!
(honey my beard just died)
This evening is done
(Been looking forward to this)
so say buh-bye
(You know you want it, come on don’t lie)

My mother will start to freak
(you’re beautiful when you’re humming)
You’re such an ostentatious bore
(listen to the fireplace roar)
My folks are gonna bitch a blue streak
(don’t leave me up blue-ball creek)
well, maybe just a half a drink more
(look over there while I pour)

I know what you think
(this couch has a bed in there)
say, what’s in this drink?
(some roofies I mixed in there)
I wish I knew what
(you’re gonna be mine, you slut)
what in the hell?
(Turn off your phone, it’s just as well)

I want to say no, no, no sir
(mind if I move in closer?)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried
(what’s the sense of hurtin’ my pride?)
I really can’t stay
(You know that you can’t hold out)
Ah but it’s cold outside
(See baby, it’s cold outside)

I simply must go
(but, baby, it’s cold outside)
The answer is no
(but, baby, it’s cold outside)
The welcome has been
(how lucky that you dropped in)
so nice and warm
(look out that window at that storm)

The gossip’s gonna be horrific
(Gee, your hair smells terrific)
my brother stands six-foot-four
(lose the bra you two-bit whore)
He’s a starting linebacker with
(I said lose the what did you just say)
The Cleveland Browns
(you know I just been clown’n around)

My father has a shotgun
(but, baby, it’s – what’d you say?)
He just got out of prison
(but, baby, it’s – what’d you say?)
You’re really a prick
(I’m feeling a little sick)
You lousey schmuck
(her dad’s done time, it’s just my luck)

We’re gonna have a talk tomorrow
(I hope you don’t remember tomorrow)
unless you get your ass out of town
(you know I love those Cleveland Browns)
I really can’t stay
(Yeah, I’ve called you a cab)
Ah, but it’s cold outside
(Here’s your coat, get outside)
Baby, it’s cold outside


I mean, sheesh.

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