Wisdom of the BUMD
Posted on July 20th, 2009 by Big Ugly Man Doll
When life hands you shit, grow something organic. Then sell it at a premium.
When life hands you shit, grow something organic. Then sell it at a premium.
“Daddy, do the Japanese keep moving their mouths after they’re finished speaking?”
Oh man. I really need to mind what he’s watching on TV better…
One of the best parts of being a Big Ugly Man Doll is leaving the children with my wonderful wife, SOBUMD. This was hammered home to me recently when we took the Reigning Queen of Pink to a pediatric urologist – she was, of course, peeing pink. (To her credit, she simply assumed that this was part of a natural progression of her life, and that the superpower of being able to pee pink was hers by divine right.)
The pediatric urologist did, for the record, diagnose her with acute pinkatitis before discussing the issues and tests needed with me and SOBUMD. These tests included urine samples, all well and good, and a three-day stool sample card. At that, I suddenly remembered how much I love my wife. And my job. “Whoops, gotta go in early all this week, sorry about that!”
SOBUMD got through the stool-smear card without too much trouble – the Queen of Pink is a professional at all sorts of medical tests, after all – and mailed it in to the lab as directed. Once again, I got to thinking about how much I love my job – no matter how occasionally frustrating, at least I don’t have to open those for a living. “Oh jeez, Bob, I got another 5-day over here, get the tongs!” “Dude, this one’s just a 3-day but. It. Is. Harsh!”
Kids. In one ear, out the rear.
I know it’s been a long time coming, but the BUMD has grown. It’s time to move on, and I hope you will all move with me! This site will be on-line for a good while yet, but all updates will come from http://www.biguglymandoll.com/ – new and improved!
Come and See!
So here it is Father’s Day, and the Big Ugly Man Doll is moving into these new digs. We hope you like it. So stick around, and you’ll find out why I’m a Big Ugly Man Doll. Longtime followers may notice the occasional classic entry from the old site posted during slow weeks, when the funny just isn’t flowing. For the most part, this is the new and improved site for all your BUMD needs! In the meantime, on this occasion of Father’s Day, I thought I’d share some thoughts about being a Dad.
Parenthood is the ultimate pass/fail exam: You don’t find out if you did it right until it’s mostly over, by which time it’s usually way too late to correct any of your mistakes. I check in with my children now, though, even though I know I’m early:
“Hey, um, kid – are you having a good childhood?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“OK.”
You really don’t ever know what the hell you’re supposed to be doing, there’s no books, and the homework is a bitch. OK, that’s not really true about the books. There are millions of books about parenting: parenting kids, parenting parents, parenting pets, you name it. The trouble is they’re all written by people like you and me, who don’t have any better idea than we do – they just have better publicity. I talked to an old friend of mine who’d written a book about parenting, and I asked him about it. “Dude,” he said, “You didn’t buy that, did you? I made all that stuff up! I thought I got the word out…”
You should see his kids, too – his daughter has declared her life’s purpose to study alternative magical energy fields in French Guiana, and his son was just voted most likely to be paroled early for good behavior. He didn’t know what he was doing – but his publicist did!
So this morning, when my 42-yr-old daughter (who’s turning 11 in October) got me a book about Tequila and explained that she had “told Mommy that we couldn’t get you a book about it without getting you a bottle of it also,” I had to reflect on the implications of that sentiment coming from a not-yet-11-yr-old.
I think we’re averaging a passing grade. It’s good Tequila!