A Declaration of Independence

4 July, 2010 | | 4 Comments

I’m declaring my independence.   We talk about it every year, but we haven’t done in 234 years, and that’s too long – so I’m taking the lead and declaring mine.   Like the man said, a decent respect for the opinions of others requires that I declare and describe that which impels me to this separation.  Besides, it’s a good day for it.

I declare my independence from advertising, both foreign and domestic.  I will no longer listen to blandishments convincing me to purchase things I do not need with money I do not have.  Today more than ever we see three types: the Haves, the Have-Nots, and the Have Not Yet Paid For What They Haves, and it is this third group that is most at risk and most heavily targeted.  Who doesn’t want that nice new car?  You can afford thaaaaat, come on, it’s just a few more dollars a month, and we can finance it for you over 10 years!  You’ll be able to pay for it eventually. 

I declare my independence from demagogues, liberals and conservatives alike, from those who listen to the other guy looking only for cheap shots and soundbites to snipe from.  I declare my independence not necessarily from God, but from all of His Followers, and His Follows, and His Other Followers.  And Her Followers too, for that matter.  You can all just keep it to yourselves.  Your religion is very much like your genitalia – everyone has their own, we all like to take them out of fiddle with them now and then, and they should be kept off of television and out of politics.  Which is ironic in itself, as the level of political discourse in this country pretty much comes down to two people arguing over who’s is bigger.   I do declare. 

I declare my independence from our very own American Axis of Evil:   Arizona, the Texas Board of Education, and the NFL.   In today’s headline roundup, there’s an idiot who’s decided it would be a good idea to require the utilities to check the immigration status of customers.    Cutting electricity, water, natural gas, even telephone lines at the homes of illegal immigrants, he said, would lower costs for the rest of the state’s customers. He believes the population spike in Arizona caused by illegal immigrants has forced the state to build new power plants and then raise rates for customers.  What are we, Arizona, 6th Graders?  “We don’t want to break up with them – we want them to break up with us.”  Next we can play bad music really loud in front of their houses at 3am and see if they’ll leave then.    If you know the address, go pick them up.  I can get you the INS hotline.  Moron. 

Then we have the Texas Board of Ed, which earlier this year pushed to downplay the influence that Tom Jefferson guy had in founding our nation because the notion of the “separation of church and state” has been traced to him.  Revising American history as taught in their public school text books still won’t change the fact that America was not built as a “Christian” nation.    From these people, I declare my independence. 

And don’t get me started about football.   I just don’t care.

I declare my independence from the state of Healthcare in this country.  I’ve found a two-step, simple to follow weight-loss rule that doctors and the insurance companies don’t want you know about, and I’m not even going to make you send me money for it.  Are you ready? 

  1. Eat less. 
  2. Exercise more. 

“No no, that won’t work – we need something more complicated or we don’t feel like we’re doing it right.”   OK, try this.  Every time you buy something at the store, read all the ingredients.  If you can’t pronounce at least half of them, put it back and stop eating that shit.  It’s not good for you.

I declare that all men are not are created equal, and that we shouldn’t worry too much about that fact.  Some people really are smarter than you and me, some are stronger, some are faster.  Deal with it.  They are all, however, endowed by their Creators with certain unalienable rights, those being the aforementioned life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  They don’t have to buy stuff they can’t afford, eat crap they can’t pronounce, and learn lies they can’t believe – just because we’ve made those habits shiny and sugarcoated over the last 35 years doesn’t mean we have to do them.  We don’t have to make it uncomfortable by turning off people’s lights, either – if they’re not here legally, in a country founded as a nation of laws, then send them back to try it again the right way.  I know it’s hard.  Deal with it.  All people are not created equal. 

Declare your independence.  Speak your mind, then listen to others do the same.  The following three quotes probably sum it all up.

  • “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.”
  • “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
  • “Think for yourself, schumck.”

There, that wasn’t so hard.  And Happy 4th of July!

  1. Denise says:

    LOL!!! I agree with almost everything you said, I would make my own declaration, but mine wouldn’t be humorous like yours.


  2. Davidb says:

    I was with you right up to rejection of the NFL.

    Doug, you need another beer and a deep breath.

    Please remember, or learn, it’s all a state of mind. Hence the beer.

  3. Sara says:

    Every time you buy something at the store, read all the ingredients. If you can’t pronounce at least half of them, put it back and stop eating that shit.

    My personal version of this is to not eat anything that contains any ingredient with more letters in its full name than I have in mine.

  4. admin says:

    Excellent! That makes perfect sense to me.

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