The Hobbesian Horoscope, 6/22/12
Happy Friday! Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): Remember those piano lessons your mother made you take as a kid? Remember how mad you used to get that you weren’t outside playing in the yard instead? None of that will be important when the piano falls off the back of that truck onto your car this week, but at least you’ll know it’s a B flat as it hits. Your high-risk disease this week: Bacterial Ring Rot.
Taurus (The Bull): You will complain about every little thing this week – so what if he wants to use the rolling bio-hazard container for a desk? It’s from Rubbermaid, right? How dirty could it be?
Gemini (The Twins): This is a week for getting better. You won’t enjoy it much, mind you, but just like eating vegetables, it’s for your own good. Yes, even the chest tube is for your own good. Your high-risk disease this week: Oilseed Rape Clubroot.
Cancer (The Crab): This is a good week to get that cough checked out. You don’t sound too good, you know that?
Leo (The Lion): Another Saturday night, another five Benzoin applicators and electrode packs. But you can stop anytime, right? Your high-risk disease this week: Blast Disease.
Virgo (The Virgin): Most people call it “the day we find another stash and get stupid until some skinny Goth chick enlightens us by showing us her world in a dark alley” – you just call it Tuesday.
Libra (The Scale): Move your feet, move your feet, move your feet. OK, now cough. Deep breath – good. You;ll get used to the new hair color by next Thursday. Your high-risk disease this week: Paramyxoviruses.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This is a great week for being helpful – you will find you derive great joy by helping around the house, making sure other people’s lives are easier, and generally being more cheerful than usual. And by “derive great joy” I mean someone is likely to give you $10 bucks.
Sagittarius (The Archer): They said they sanitized the room, but you can still smell that, can’t you? Tell them to get back in there and clean it again – this is a service industry, damnit. Your high-risk disease this week: Usutu Virus.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): Your night nurse won’t look a thing like your day nurse. Stop thinking about that – that only happens in cheesy porn flicks. No, really – you’re not going to get a sponge bath with a happy ending here.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): On Tuesday, you will make pasta. When you stare at it on your plate, it will seem like it’s moving, and creep you out enough that you won’t eat it. You’ll try again with the leftovers Wednesday, but it won’t help – creepy pasta can’t be fixed by any human agency. Your high-risk disease this week: Echinococcosis.
Pisces (The Fish): It’s a good week for staying on top of things, but you probably won’t, although you’ll want to. Things are going to change. Oh, and you’ll owe that Scorpio $10 bucks by next Friday.
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