Headline Roundup With The Big Ugly Man Doll, or, the Darwin Awards Get Local

This past Friday the Washington Nationals, currently in the cellar, managed to lose two MORE fans in what can only be called the worst doubleheader ever.  These two fans, possibly having seen M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s The Happening once too often, decided to stand up while riding on the open top of a National’s-sponsored tour bus as it drove under an overpass, which turned out to be the last thing on their minds.  Always wear your seatbelt.  Besides, so what if your team is 16 games back?  It’s not that bad.  (Easy for me to say while the Cubs are on top.  Check this space in October…)

For other new and creative ways of dying, we need look no farther than Anheuser-Busch, which has collectively decided that $52 billion is worth dying for.  As they become Anheuser-Busch-InBev and sell out to Belgium, god-fearin’, gun-totin’, beercan-crushin’, right-thinkin’ Amuicans everwhar are putting down their cold ones and singing:

There goes the King / There goes the King / There goes the big Number One
Them profiteers / They got my beer / but they will not get my gun!
When you sold Bud you sold a mouthful
When you sold Bud you sold your soul
When you sold Bud you sold your soul

And America wept.

Mind you, I don’t much care for Budweiser – I’m more likely to crack an import than a mainstream domestic – but I feel the same way about Bud as I do about Harley-Davidsons:  I don’t own one, but I’d hate to lose something so quintessentially American.  

Speaking of things quintessentially American, we seem to have a new tradition for entrants in the Miss Universe pageant to live up (down?) to.  For the second year in a row, the American entrant in the pageant failed to meet the crucial challenge of walking and smiling at the same time, tripping over her feet on stage.  I guess this Crystle doesn’t shatter too easily…

Last, the Formula One chief is under fire for having kinky sex.  His detractors claim, “There was a general attempt … to present it as some kind of worthy activity … as though it was all being carried out under the guidance of the Bondage and Sadomasochism Regulatory Authority.”  Man, talk about Big Government.  I didn’t know we had an agency for that!  Imagine applying for a job there, doubtless using the Government SF-69 form.  

That’s about it for the headline roundup – all the news I can make myself give a damn about.  Tune in next time!

Discussion Area - Leave a Comment