Big Ugly Man Doll

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:  Why is it that whenever I get sick, my spouse likes to inform me that he is actually feeling worse?

Answer:  Now, hold on a second. 

OK, I’m back, thanks.  Yeah, he’s a jerk.  We all are, really.  This kind of behavior is ingrained in many of us from a young age, by which I mean ‘before we were born’ – the concept of brinksmanship, one-upsmanship, call it what you will.  Anything you can do, I can do better.  I’m the man in this house, sweetheart, and as such I expect to be taller, wider, heavier, faster, sicker, and drunker than you.  I’d love to say we got it from our dads, but mostly we didn’t.  We got it from one another, on the playground. 

“My wrist hurts.” 
“Oh yeah?  My whole arm hurts.” 
“Oh yeah?  My arm’s actually broken.” 
“Oh yeah?  Look, I’m bleeding.  Doesn’t bother me any.” 
“Really?  I’m actually dead.  I just breathe out of habit.”

Trust me, if you’re sick, he wants to be sicker – both to show you solidarity in your time of illness, and to keep up the game.  He doesn’t even think about it anymore, he’s not doing it consciously – it’s a call and response from his limbic system.  Try this: look dead at him, catch his eye, and sing a low note – then point at him.  No warning, no explanation.  I’ll bet you he tries to sing a lower note. 

So, yeah, you’re not feeling well.  He’s on his last legs, near death.  He just didn’t want to mention it because it’s not manly (unless he has pneumonia, which is bitchin cool), and besides, if he had told you how unwell he was, you might not think he was up for a little Hey Hey later. 

And he is.  Even if he’s dead. 

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment! Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!

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