19 June, 2007 | | No Comment

“We Alter Anything!” – seen on a sign for a tailor shop.

“Alterations, may I help you?”
“Ah, yes, there are only two weeks before my wedding and none of my six bridesmaids fit into their dresses. Can you help?”
“Yes! Just bring everyone in, with the dresses, as soon as you can, and we’ll make sure everyone fits in their dresses just fine. We’ll take care of everything. How’s your dress?”
“Oh, it’s fine. How much will this cost?”
“Well, we charge $100 per person, so that would be $600.”
“Ummm. Well, OK. Tomorrow?”
“That will be fine. See you tomorrow!”
“Don’t you need more information, like my name and -”
“Nope! Just drop by anytime tomorrow! Bye now!”
“Ummm… Bye.”

“Alterations, may I help you?”
“Um, yes, are you the people to call to get my pet spayed?”
“Sure! We can take care of that for you. What kind of pet?”
“He’s a dog, Fido the Ferocious.”
“Not for long. Can you bring him by on Wednesday?”
“That would be great.”
“Fine, see you both then! Bye now!”
“Oh, um, goodbye -”

“Alterations, may I help you?”
“Um, yes, I’d like an alteration…”
“Yes, that’s what we do. What would like altered?”
“Well, all my life I’ve felt kind of maladjusted, like I didn’t really belong. Mostly with other guys, you know?”
“Well, I really don’t know, but continue…”
“Well, I’ve been thinking, and I think I was supposed to be born a girl. I want you to make me into a woman. Can you do alterations like that?”
“Certainly! We can alter anything, that’s what we do, like I said. Why don’t you drop by our office day after tomorrow, which would be Wednesday. Is Wednesday good for you?”
“Sure! Golly, I’m glad I called you. I feel better just thinking about being a woman!”
“Glad to help! See you Wednesday. Bye now!”

“Alterations, may I help you?”
“God damn, I sure hope so! Lord knows no one else seems to be willing to try. My boyfriend is such an asshole, and I, like, saw your ad in the paper that says `We Alter Anything’? So like, can you alter him into not such a jerk, or like replace him or something?”
“Well, if you can bring him in, we can work with him. We also have a sister corporation, Replacements, Unltd., that can affect a replacement if you decide to go that route. If you just want him altered, we do guarantee our work for one full year…”
“Oh, that would be wonderful! What are your rates?”
“We charge $100 per person. When could you bring the lout in?”
“Um, Saturday morning would be best, I could tell him we were going to the A.M. brew-thru and he’d still be too hungover to notice. Are you, like, open on Saturdays?”
“Absolutely. We’ll see you this Saturday, then. Bye now!”

“Alterations, may I help you?”
“Oh, man, I need a new life.”
“A whole new life, literally, or just several radical changes to this one?”
“Oh. I guess not a whole new life. Wouldn’t you have to, like, kill me for that, heh heh?”
“Well, there are workarounds, but we would certainly expect payment in advance. Would you like to schedule an interview and talk with an alterations professional?”
“Oh, yeah, hey, that would be great. Um, Thursday?”
“Thursday morning will be fine. We’ll see you then! Bye now!”

“Alterations, may I help you?”
“Yeah, hey this weather sucks, you know?”
“Yes sir, we’ll get right on it!”

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