ManFAQ Friday: Whose Line Is It Anyway?

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?


Question:   What is it with cheesy pickup lines?  Does that really work?

Answer:   First, you need to understand that most of us don’t really expect ANYTHING to work, and therefore any one bad thing is as good as any other bad thing.  So, when he comes up and asks you if you live around here often, or “Great legs, what time do they open?” or “Have you read the Friday ManFAQ this week?” he’s really just trying to differentiate himself in your mind from all those other Hey Hey thrillseekers who will tell you to call them milk, because they’ll do your body good.  In much the same way that you don’t have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the other campers, he’s not aiming for a great line.  He’s just trying to have a more memorable line than the other guy.

Also, we all secretly think we’re Maverick in Top Gun.  Just be glad we’re not actually singing to you.


Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!

Another Weekend Road Trip

The weekend started the way a good weekend should start, which is to say on a Wednesday. 

Number One Son has 100 mommies, as I’ve mentioned, and one of them came for dinner Wednesday with her 2 kids.  We were joined by a friend of hers (and now a friend of ours) from another internet board, and four of her five kids.  SOBUMD had met Auntie Jenny once before; none of the rest us had ever met in real life.  I find it amusing that some peoeple are still freaked out at the idea that we would have them all over for dinner.  Just because all the introductions have been virtual doesn’t mean we don’t know them (outside of the biblical sense, because that’s still tough to do over the internet, you know).

I have spent so long hearing about all the Mommy board people that in my head, Auntie Jenny is first and foremost one of Number One Son’s 100 moms, and since she’d (virtually) introduced us to Jen From Around Here, I’d sort of lumped the evening into that category – so I had a small doubletake when I remembered (by dint of a few of their comments) that they’re also faithful readers of the BUMD.  It’s so good to get in touch with my fans, especially when they’re as cute and fun to hang out with as the ones I’ve met so far!  A great time was had by all, and repeat visits are in order. 

The next day it was wheels up for the beach, because the Boss said that down the shore everything’s alright, and we could all use a little more alright in our lives.  The best part of the New Jersey Turnpike is driving with SOBUMD and The Magic iThingy, since she was able to guide us to lunch at Hot Diggity Dog in Bellmawr, which we had not until noon that day even heard of.  It’s a wall into which someone has knocked a hole so that someone could set up a hole-in-the-wall hot dog joint, and they have GREAT dogs.  You know you’ve gotten off the Turnpike at the right exit when you order a slaw dog and the guy at the grill looks at the young lady at the register and says, “Hey, go make some fresh slaw, will ya?”  Hot Diggity Dog, 432 Creek Rd, Bellmawr, NJ – a hot dog worth the exit. 

We found the Atlantic ocean the way people have found it for years – go east, stay east until wet.  It was cold, as the Atlantic often is in April, which likely had something to do with why we were the only ones there. 

Cold Kids Are Cold

Cold Kids Are Cold

They don’t just roll the sidewalks up during the off season, they actually roll up most of the places to eat and sleep, too.  We found a place to sleep in a town called Toms River, although I never saw the river, nor Tom, come to think of it.  It could just as well be called Bob’s Diner for my money – I could at least see a few diners.  Actually, I’d’ve been OK calling it OB-CO, which is the name of the Doughnut shop you should stop at if you’re around the Toms River area.  Yum. 

The hotel had a pool, which was filled with water, kids, and noise – the volume in decibles was exceeded only by the volume in deciliters.  The hotel did not have rooms for five, nor adjacent rooms, the upshot of which was that I got to spend the night with Number One Son kicking me, then waking me up at 0630 because hey, get up. 

We rolled out to see the State Park, which had a sign requesting we not feed the foxes. 

Foxy Little Thing

Foxy Little Thing

That the “Jersey Shore” jokes wrote themselves on this trip, I probably don’t have to mention.  Driving up the long spit of dunes that is this State Park, we saw a fox – four legs – which walked almost right up to the car and gave me a look as if to say, “Hey, who’re you going to listen to, some dumb sign or an actual fox like me?  Amiright here?  OK, I’m right.  So where’s the doughnut, fat man?”  Sly little devil. 

Back to the beach to run in the sand for a bit.  Number One Son let the water crash over his ankles a few times, then calmly walked up to me and mentioned, “Daddy, I can no longer feel my extremities.” 

Cold Feet!

Cold Feet!

I hate when that happens.

Next up, Friday and the Rush to Easter!

ManFAQ Friday: Real Men Wear Gowns

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?


Question:   What is it with men and going to the doctor?  Why is this hard?

Answer:   The first thing you have to understand is that we have NO intention of outliving you.   Do you realize that your life expectancy is something like 8-10 years more than ours?   There’s a reason for that.  We are considerably more dependant on you than you think we are, and we’re not prepared to do this whole “make your own food and find your own way around” thing without you.  To say nothing of shopping. 

So yeah, we’re not really interested in finding out what that thing is, or if it’s going to kill us.  We mostly don’t care, as long as we go first.  Plus, if we go to the doctor, they’re going to tell us that we need to eat less red meat, get more exercise, drink less, and generally have less fun.  We know that.  Who wants to live like that?  Diet is just die spelled with a t, you know?  No thanks. 

And then there’s the whole naked thing.   You know what happens when we take our clothes off – we’re mostly not interested in doing that without at least a hope of a happy ending, and Dr. “Hi My Name Is Bob” isn’t usually the fantasy we’re having.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)  It’s just that Dr. Bob, or Bobbette, isn’t usually having that same fantasy about us.  

So no, we’re mostly not inclined to go to the Dr unless we’re bleeding or otherwise blatently in need of urgent medical attention.  Or there’s a problem with the, you know, plumbing.  That we’re getting fixed, straight off, you betcha.  It’s all about the Hey Hey. 


Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!

ManFAQ Friday: Don’t Hold Back

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?


Question:   Why do men never really tell you what they feel?

Answer:    Mostly because you have no possible concept of the extent to which thoughts of the possiblity of Hey Hey and thoughts of actual Hey Hey control everything from our vocabulary to our emotional state.   He worries that if he told you how he really felt, at best you wouldn’t believe him, and at worst you’d throw something at him.   “How do I feel” is not a question that comes up for many men without prompting or special training.  We have a very limited range of emotions:

  • Hey Hey
  • Hey Hey
  • Hey Hey
  • Beer
  • Sleep
  • Hey Hey

You can see where it becomes complicated to try to make something up that’s not on this list, when you ask him what he’s feeling.  He knows – special training – that he’s not really supposed to respond with one of the above answers, and he’s probably heard that you like the strong silent type, so he stays mum or gives you a very generic answer.

“I guess I’m conflicted.”

You’ll never get him to admit that he’s conflicted because his social training and sense of self-preservation are overriding his instincts, which are telling him to grab you by the hair and drag you back to his cave.   You could take him to see Dr. Zhivago and if he told you what he really felt, it would be something on the order of “would have been better with more sex scenes.” 

Sometimes, silence is golden.


Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!

Re-Gifting

It’s not a shameless plug if I think everyone should read it.  My own SOBUMD is considerably more articulate on many topics than I can ever be.

This is a brilliant example.

She’s inappropriate, she’s right, and she’s awesome.