Big Ugly Man Doll

Since the current Google Doodle has ensured that no one who logs on today will forget to call their mother, it is only meet and proper that I step out and wish a happy day for all mothers everywhere, with of course special shout outs to my mother, MOBUMD, my lovely and wonderful SOBUMD, and of course to the Queen Mother of Pink – as well as all the other mothers in my life.  You know what I mean, and you know who you are.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Happy Friday!  Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   This is a good week to wear your wolf suit and make mischief of one kind and another.  Sure, you may be eaten up or sent to bed without eating anything, but there’s probably a private boat in it for you.   Your high-risk disease this week:  Maize Redness.

Taurus (The Bull):   Monday doesn’t look like a good day for you.  You will find yourself in a dark place.  It will be very dark.  You will not be able to find a light.  You are likely to be eaten by a grue. 

Gemini (The Twins):    This week you will sail through night and day, in and out of weeks, and almost over a year.  If you cannot remember the magic trick of staring into peoples eyes without blinking once, you could be consumed by the wild things during the rumpus.  If you can remember, you could be made king, or queen – your choice.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Tubulointerstitial Nephritis.

Cancer (The Crab):   This week you will complete your little “weather control” machine, won’t you, Mr. Cleverdick Inventor?  That’ll be great, just great, when you realize you’ve got it stuck on “more rain” and you can’t switch it off for the torrential downpour.  You’ve doomed us all, you fool!  Oh, and your lucky number is 3.  But you’re still a knob.

Leo (The Lion):  Is it really better to be a live jackal than a dead lion?  Wednesday, you’re going to find out.  Good luck with that.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Pertussis.

Virgo (The Virgin):   Four words:  Dictionary, Passport, Windows Vista.  You’re going to need to flee the country this week; make your checklist now.  They know all about you, and the noose is tightening!

Libra (The Scale):   This week you get to ride a roller coaster!  Up and down, and over and under and puking all over yourself.  The bad news – it’s an emotional roller coaster.  You’re still vomiting, though.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Anthracnose.

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   You don’t sleep enough.  This week will be no exception, except for the parts of the weekend where you sleep past noon.  This will not help. 

Sagittarius (The Archer):   On Tuesday, that new kitchen gizmo you ordered will show up in the mail.  “Some assembly required” means that it will come with a little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.  You will need a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.   Good luck.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Babesiosis.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):   You should come out for gay marriage this week, and then explain to everyone that you supported gay marriage before it was cool. 

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):   Do you know how sometimes you tell people how awful your day was, and they say something like, “sucks to be you?”  All I can say is, try to watch out for that box of thumbtacks, because Thursday, it’s going to really suck to be you.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Tickborne Relapsing Fever.

Pisces (The Fish):    This week, you will roar your terrible roar, gnash your terrible teeth, roll your terrible eyes, show your terrible claws, and fucking eat anyone who can’t meet your eyes without blinking.  Eat them no matter how eloquent they may be, nor whether or not they can spell worth a damn.  If they drop their eyes, kill them and eat them.

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So it’s a true fact that the past few months have been a little lighter on posts than usual.  Many of you may have determined that I was studying, which is true, or that I was busy with the office, which is also true.   However, my office is becoming (a little) more calm, and I’m finished with studying for a while.  I’m glad to be done, although I’m going to miss the dreams about Earned Value Zombie Management and the bit about “All Your Base Year and 2 Option Years Are Belong To Us.”

The Project Management Professional (PMP) exam was, while perhaps not brutal, a tough slog.  The 4-hour test took me 3 hours 57 minutes, which included a short bio break plus 45 seconds of me sitting with my eyes closed, palms up on the desk, reciting the Lotus Sutra, before I pushed the “I’m done” button with 3 minutes to spare.  The screen goes white for nearly a full minute, which if I hadn’t been expecting would have been completely panic inducing.  The screen came back, and I passed.  To say that I’m glad I don’t have to do that again is to flirt with understatement. 

One of the many study methods I used was taking practice exams, which not only gives you a sense of what to expect, but also gives you a sense of confidence that you can pass something like it.  (It’s also good for those of us who need practice sitting still for 4 hours.)  One of the questions on a practice test (though not the real one) was “What is the meaning of a concept called the ‘Journey to Abilene’?”  This took me back a step, since I hadn’t studied it at all in the 6-week course I’d been in – but I knew the answer.  FOBUMD, ever a paragon of learning, used to talk about it often enough that I remembered it off the top of my head, getting that one right in short order and helping position me for the rest of the exam.  Moral of the story:  Listen to your father, no matter what he’s talking about.  You never know when you’ll need to know that.  Thanks Dad!

In the meantime, I’ve been thinking about this blog.  It certainly wasn’t a photoblog, was it?  Despite my posting my daily pictures once a week for a month or two – when things got busy, that was the first to go.  I recall being very concerned that this didn’t become a photoblog; turns out I needn’t have worried. 

I think we’re due for a layout change; watch for that this summer.  In the meantime, I’m going to work on a few “in focus” notes about some of the three lunatic children – well, all three of the lunatic children, in fact.  Because I’ve told you about myself, but you’ve only ever seen the kids through my eyes – we’ll try for a more proper introduction one of these days.

In other news, Maurice Sendak has gone to play with the Wild Things.  I was honestly never a huge fan of his most famous book, but I loved and respected the poetry of it.  He was a great and influential author, and he’ll be missed. 

And speaking of great and influential authors, I finally read The Hunger Games the other day.  Pretty good book, and very influential in that sales of archery equipment are up 697% over this period last year.  I’m thinking of approaching a struggling industry and offering to write a book around their product for a small, nominal fee.  Why wait to sell out until you’re famous?  I’m going to sell out first. 

Oh, wait – I already did.  I’m a certified PMP.  D’oh!

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Man, you know it’s a rough day when Vidal Sassoon dies and the biggest headline is the President of the United States presenting a verbal bitch-slap to the asshats in North Carolina who’ve just decided to update their state Constitution in regards to marriage again.  Last time they amended it, it was to ban interracial marriage.   I’m seeing a trend. 

But still.  Vidal Sassoon.  Even I’ve had that stuff in my hair.  An icon, he was huge, bigger than life, I thought his commercials were great, I thought he died years ago.  And now, poor guy, no one will remember the date of his passing.  I hope the voters of North Carolina are proud.  North Carolina: where you can marry your cousin, just not your gay cousin. 

And while I’m at it, thank you, Mr. President.  Some people are already questioning the wisdom of such a statement in light of the upcoming elections.  You don’t lead by staying quiet.  You lead by example. 

Mind you, that doesn’t mean I want to see you smooching Joe Biden.  Not that kind of example.  No one wants to see that.  I think Internet Rule 34 was suspended on that one.  But I digress.

Lead on, Mr. President.  Stick to your guns; we’ll have your back.  And good luck.

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Happy First Friday in May.  May the 4th be with you, and also with Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys.  Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   This week, you will realize that what you really like is girls – the way that they walk, the way that they talk, and you will try to make them smile from White Castle to the Nile.   You will fail; your friend Mike will not.

Taurus (The Bull):   That wasn’t a unicorn, and that wasn’t his finger either.  This week you’ll finally have to admit that the light at the end of your tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Syphilis.

Gemini (The Twins):   This is a good week for eating vegetables, but you’ll need to remember to set the brake.  Your lucky number will be 43 on Tuesday. 

Cancer (The Crab):    This week, you will put your left leg down, your right leg up, and tilt your head back and finish your cup.  You will be offered Moet and Chivas, but you will bring Brass Monkey to the castle in Brooklyn where you dwell.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Trypanosomiasis.

Leo (The Lion):  So hungry, but it’s never enough, is it?  How many this week?  How many more until you’re satisfied?  Your lucky number this week is 13.

Virgo (The Virgin):   Your in-laws will be visiting this week, and on Wednesday one of them will burst in on you and ask, “What’s that noise?”  Your best response is to explain that they’re asking out of jealousy, since you’re playing the Beastie Boys.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Botulism.

Libra (The Scale):  You will take a long trip this week, but it’s not going to be fun – the people behind you will play loud music all the way.  You will get no sleep till Brooklyn. 

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   You will wake up late for school, and you will not want to go.  You will ask your mom (“Please?”) but she will still say no.  This week, you will have to fight for your rights.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Tuberculosis.

Sagittarius (The Archer):   This is a good week to read.  Remember that Dale Carnegie book you picked up last summer?  Screw it.  When was the last time someone expressed honest admiration for your hobbies, huh?  Fat lot of good they were.  You know what, just put your feet up and have a drink – just one – and then get a good night’s sleep.  You deserve it.  The week after next can suck instead.  Take the week off.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):   Do you remember the monkey they shot into space in the mid-1960s?  Yeah?  Do you remember where it came down?  No, of course not, because it never did.  Well, this week, monkey’s coming home, if you know what I’m saying, and he’s headed for your car.  Space monkey is falling for you, hard, and man is he pissed.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Wellfleet Bay Virus.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):   This week, your father will catch you smoking and tell you, “No way!” despite the fact that he smokes two packs a day.  You will realize what a drag living at home can be when your mother deletes your pornographic Internet browsing history.

Pisces (The Fish):    By Monday morning, you will have added a new notch to your resume and sixteen different kinds of interesting Chinese teas to your kill-wall.   The downside:  You’re going to lose weight, fast.  Do you remember “Thinner?”   Your high-risk disease this week:  Sweet Chestnut Blight.

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