Big Ugly Man Doll

Happy First Friday in May.  May the 4th be with you, and also with Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys.  Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!

Aries (The Ram):   This week, you will realize that what you really like is girls – the way that they walk, the way that they talk, and you will try to make them smile from White Castle to the Nile.   You will fail; your friend Mike will not.

Taurus (The Bull):   That wasn’t a unicorn, and that wasn’t his finger either.  This week you’ll finally have to admit that the light at the end of your tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Syphilis.

Gemini (The Twins):   This is a good week for eating vegetables, but you’ll need to remember to set the brake.  Your lucky number will be 43 on Tuesday. 

Cancer (The Crab):    This week, you will put your left leg down, your right leg up, and tilt your head back and finish your cup.  You will be offered Moet and Chivas, but you will bring Brass Monkey to the castle in Brooklyn where you dwell.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Trypanosomiasis.

Leo (The Lion):  So hungry, but it’s never enough, is it?  How many this week?  How many more until you’re satisfied?  Your lucky number this week is 13.

Virgo (The Virgin):   Your in-laws will be visiting this week, and on Wednesday one of them will burst in on you and ask, “What’s that noise?”  Your best response is to explain that they’re asking out of jealousy, since you’re playing the Beastie Boys.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Botulism.

Libra (The Scale):  You will take a long trip this week, but it’s not going to be fun – the people behind you will play loud music all the way.  You will get no sleep till Brooklyn. 

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   You will wake up late for school, and you will not want to go.  You will ask your mom (“Please?”) but she will still say no.  This week, you will have to fight for your rights.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Tuberculosis.

Sagittarius (The Archer):   This is a good week to read.  Remember that Dale Carnegie book you picked up last summer?  Screw it.  When was the last time someone expressed honest admiration for your hobbies, huh?  Fat lot of good they were.  You know what, just put your feet up and have a drink – just one – and then get a good night’s sleep.  You deserve it.  The week after next can suck instead.  Take the week off.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):   Do you remember the monkey they shot into space in the mid-1960s?  Yeah?  Do you remember where it came down?  No, of course not, because it never did.  Well, this week, monkey’s coming home, if you know what I’m saying, and he’s headed for your car.  Space monkey is falling for you, hard, and man is he pissed.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Wellfleet Bay Virus.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):   This week, your father will catch you smoking and tell you, “No way!” despite the fact that he smokes two packs a day.  You will realize what a drag living at home can be when your mother deletes your pornographic Internet browsing history.

Pisces (The Fish):    By Monday morning, you will have added a new notch to your resume and sixteen different kinds of interesting Chinese teas to your kill-wall.   The downside:  You’re going to lose weight, fast.  Do you remember “Thinner?”   Your high-risk disease this week:  Sweet Chestnut Blight.

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