An Unruly Teenager
Goodbye to 2012 – we hardly knew you. I remember 2012 like it was yesterday, except for the bits that happened near the beginning of the year, and all the bits I didn’t write down. OK, in fact, most of the past year was a blur, moving past us like Usain Bolt outrunning a Toyota Prius. Now 2013 is upon us, racing with us toward cliffs both fiscal and mental. It will take all our intellectual resources to keep our balance.
After all, the 21st Century is now a teenager. I expect 2013 will eat everything in the house, sleep most of the time, wear its shorts too low and its ball cap on backward, and generally flip three fingers at the world. 2013’s txting bill alone will cripple most first world economies – I hope someone signed it up for an unlimited plan.
And so, I wish you, Dear Reader, a good, healthy, and prosperous new year in this brave new teenaged wasteland of a Century. Here at the Big Ugly Man Doll, I’m planning to take a more active role in managing the year – I’ll be giving it ratings and marks on a monthly basis, and we’ll see if we can’t dress it up and take it out by the time December rolls around. In the meantime, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride!
Aries (The Ram): Things will get bad. Then things will get worse, and you will run out of time and money. Yes, you will get stuck in Lodi. Again. 
Taurus (The Bull): You will find yourself living in a shotgun shack, wondering “My god, what have I done?” You will watch the days go by this week. Your high-risk disease this week: Whipworm.
Gemini (The Twins): This week, things will grow right under your feet, as you watch. Try to be careful with them. 
Cancer (The Crab): While the snow piles up around you, you’ll be wondering where you put your shovel. It’s where you left it, under all that snow. Your high-risk disease this week: River Blindness.
Leo (The Lion): This is it – you’re going to end this week with a bang! Luckily, you’ll shoot back. It’ll be the loudest New Year’s Eve celebration in town!
Virgo (The Virgin): This week, you will be walking in the forest when a tree will fall right in front of it. You won’t hear a thing, but no one will believe you. Your high-risk disease this week: Pinworm.
Libra (The Scale): You will be stymied this week in your eternal quest for justice when your iPhone turns into a brick just as you’re about to place the penultimate call. Better luck next time.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You’re going to get better this week, and that trend will continue into a great new year. It won’t prevent you from contracting your high-risk disease this week: Burkholderia.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Oh, what a week is in store for you! Cupcakes and kittens and boots, oh my! Oh what a week – and what a year. Kittens in latex, baby. 
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This week you will look at your spouse and say, “Do you know why no one can make a car that will get through a Popeye’s drive through chicken stand and home without breaking down? Because no one cares, that’s why!” Your high-risk disease this week: Venezuelan Hemorrhagic Fever.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): This is it – your last horoscope. Were you expecting fanfare? This will be a week like any other, until it ends. Ride it like a bear on a bull in a bar just outside Lubbock. 
Pisces (The Fish): You know what your week will be like? Sex. Are you going to complain about it? Nope. Your last remaining high-risk disease: Smallpox.