Big Ugly Man Doll

I’m highly offended. Last night, someone got into my car and took most of my change from the ashtray where I keep quarters. They left me 75 cents, I guess for parking meters. Mind you, 75 cents pays for about a minute and a half of parking around here, which probably corresponds to how long it took the bastard to rob my car, so it could be a subtle ironic jab. But they probably just missed it in the dark.

I’m offended, though, because this is the second time this has happened, and they haven’t taken my CDs from the glove box nor made any attempt at the radio. What, my music and equipment isn’t good enough for you? Car-thieving horse-rustlers don’t like Sting? Fuck you. Next time, you take it all or you just leave it alone. Just walk on by. I can’t even get a cuppa friggin coffee for 75 cents, you know that? Jerk.

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OK, now here’s a case where a little advertising savvy could really help. I was just looking at Antiquarian/Collectible books on eBay, which is about the best way I can think of to pass the time – you know, when the bookstores are closed, there’s no beer, and you can’t find any women to talk to, not that they would. It’s like surfing for porn: I’m not going to buy anything, I just want to see the pictures and dream about it.

But I stumbled on a listing that really needs some help with the copy. It’s a 40-year-old book about the wonders of the occult, Tesla’s writings, and higher sense perception by some whack job from the 60s. It was the ad copy that got my attention, though: “COLLECTIBLE FIRST! RECOMMENDED BY LATE NIGHT TALK RADIO!”

What??? Recommended by Late Night Talk Radio? I’m going to have to check this out. I didn’t realize it was such a big deal – maybe I can have the Big Ugly Man Doll recommended by Late Night Talk Radio. I’d be huge then, I’m fer sure. Ten-4 good buddy!

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I got home around 7:45 last night. About 15 minutes later, the carbon monoxide detector went off. My wonderful wife, who’s Indian name is “LivesWithABUMD”, mentioned that this was the second time it had gone off. The first time was just before I’d gotten home, and with LivesWithABUMD being a techie sort, she had assumed (as I would have) that it was a false positive, and she’d replaced the battery. Even with a new battery, the damn thing was still going off.

Now, there are several reasonable responses to such stimuli. Since I can’t see, taste, smell, or otherwise feel anything wrong, I’m perfectly comfortable standing there trying to figure out what’s making it do that. Luckily, LivesWithABUMD had an even more reasonable response to having a machine that we had purchased to detect invisible, tasteless, odorless, poison gasses tell us that it had found some.

We got kids and cats out of the house and called the non-emergency number; the emergency responders walked in the house with their sensor wands … and walked right the hell back out again to get their masks and gear. They had clocked dangerous CO readings just walking in the door.

Long story short, everyone is fine. We stayed the night at my folks’ house, since the responders couldn’t locate the source of the CO. The gas is still off, so we’re dealing with the gas company, the furnace people, the stove people, and maybe finding someone to look at the hot water heater as well. The best guess is that we knocked the burner-cap and dislodged it last time we cleaned the stove. LivesWithABUMD had been cooking soup on that burner for two hours before all this happened. We hope it’s that simple.

So, the phrase of the day is, go replace your batteries. If you don’t have a CO detector built into your smoke detector, go get a new one. Mind you, if you don’t already have a smoke detector either, that’s fine – you don’t really need one. Just trust me. The rest of you, go replace your batteries.

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I was so completely taken aback by Senator Craig’s abject failure to resign with some modicum of dignity that I couldn’t help asking him about it. I interviewed him last night from the stall next to his in the public Men’s room in Union Station.

BUMD: “Senator, was your plea of guilty to the charge of lewd conduct in a men’s restroom an admission that you had, in fact, conducted yourself in a lewd fashion in a men’s restroom?”

Sen. Craig: “In pleading guilty, I overreacted … that overreaction was a mistake, and I apologize for my misjudgment.”

BUMD: “Senator, can you tell readers about your sexual habits while doing your best Nixon impression?”

Sen. Craig: “Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not gay and never have been. The Idaho people have got to know whether or not their Senator is a homosexual. Well, I’m not a homosexual.”

BUMD: “Was the cop who busted you at least cute?”

Sen. Craig: “Oh yeah – he was definitely a credit to the force.”

BUMD: “Kinda gives new meaning to ‘copping a feel,’ doesn’t it?”

Sen. Craig: “In admitting that he looked good in his uniform, I overreacted. I overreacted because of the stress of your questioning me in this stall and the rumors it has fueled around this bathroom.”

BUMD: “So, he wasn’t cute?”

Sen. Craig: “Again, that overreaction was a mistake, and I apologize for my misstatement.”

BUMD: “Well, thanks for clearing the air in here, Senator.”

Sen. Craig: “My pleasure. You’re not as ugly as I expected, you Big Pretty Man Doll, you!”

BUMD: “Oh, pshaw.”

Sen. Craig: “Call me Daddy.”

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This is an astounding headline: “Arrest Clouds Idaho Senator’s Future” (full story at: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/08/28/AR2007082800122.html).

Nevermind for a moment that Idaho Sen. Larry Craig is a closet homosexual who keeps voting against gay and lesbian legislation. Nevermind that he plead guilty to misdemeanor charges of lewd conduct in a men’s restroom.

Cloudy future? You mean, there’s doubt about whether such a two-faced arrogant idiot will be thrown out of office, or – at least – not be elected back?

And then I remember. OJ Simpson didn’t kill Nicole, either. What *is* it with this country? Sheesh.

OK, done ranting. Back to sleep. Mmmmmm, beer.

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