Whew, that was close! Hilary Swank is recovering from her recent hospitalization for something benign, and was released from the hospital. That was a pretty near break – Clint Eastwood was on his way to give her an overdose of adrenaline.
This week’s Time Suck will only suck a minute or two of your time. It’s worth it. Imagine being a bookseller with almost all the books in the world. Imagine being a bookseller with almost all the books in the world. This is a beautiful story, well told.
And oh by the way – the Cubs just threw a no-hitter. This year is Next Year!
A long time ago, it became necessary for me to explain the creation of the Universe. Since there’s a lot of concern these days about the Large Hadron Collider getting ramped up to collide us into a black hole, I decided to share with you, Gentle Reader, the true story of how the Universe got the way it is. It’s time you knew.
The void Was. In perfect symmetry was the void. Then, without warning or preamble, the space-time continuum Was, and the symmetry was broken, and the void Was Not.
The continuum brought with it the quantum field, and thus the quantum field Became. The continuum spun and grew, and the quantum field spun and grew with the continuum.
Because the symmetry was broken, the continuum did not spin and grow evenly. Because the continuum did not spin and grow evenly, the quantum field did not spin and grow evenly. The continuum spun and stretched unevenly, and the quantum field became lumpy. The quantum field started to clump together throughout the continuum. The continuum continued to expand and spin and stretch.
As this happened, without warning or preamble, some very few of the clumps in the quantum field started to duplicate themselves, and life Was. The continuum continued to expand and spin and stretch. As this happened, some very few of the self-replicating clumps in the quantum field became self-aware.
This happened very slowly.
The continuum continued, and the living, self-aware clumps in the quantum field began to do interesting things. They started to count, and math Was. They started to name things, and language Was. They started to rail against the parameters imposed upon them by the space-time continuum, and religion Was. They became self-important, and politics Was.
They started to use tools. They manipulated non-living clumps in the quantum field to control the shape of other non-living clumps in the quantum field. Their best three tools were math, language, and religion. They used these tools to create stories. They used these stories to create more math and more language and more religions. This happened very slowly, and the continuum continued to expand and spin and stretch.
As this happened, without warning or preamble, some very few of the self-replicating, self-aware clumps in the quantum field realized that they were self-replicating, self-aware clumps in the quantum field, drifting on the surface of the space-time continuum, in the face of the void, and intelligence Was.
Now you know.
I just found out that an old boss and old friend, in every sense of that term, just lived through a quadruple bypass and is doing well. Always glad to hear good news for a change! Bill was famous for his unique outlook on life, particularly at work: "Fuck it. Doesn’t matter." I’d occasionally find "FIDM" pencilled in as a response to questions of "whadda we need to do about XYZ issue?" He was *great* to work with! Glad he’s alive.
There are plenty of people who believe that the Large Hadron Collider, CERNs gigantic underground particle accelerator, will re-create the moment of the big bang that created the universe. There are plenty more people who believe that Dr. Frankenstein has really overreached his grasp this time – that as they try to peer into the deepest past of the universe, the LHC will create tiny blacks hole, which "could eat the Earth." My favorite part is that the objections are based on CERNs failure to provide an environmental impact statement, on grounds that this is a major government action "significantly affecting the quality of the human environment."
Yeah, I can see the paperwork on that. Just to save everyone some time, I’m posting the first draft here:
Introduction: We’re CERN, baby. Do you live around here often? What’s your sign?
Purpose of LHC: To boldly collide opposing beams of protons charged with approximately 7 TeVs of energy where no beams have been collided before.
Need for LHC: Ever heard of E=MC2? He was one of us. We need to reach, to know, to learn. As we think, so we dream; as we create, so we become. And besides, we love blowing stuff up. We’re kids at heart.
Affected Environment: Whole goddamm planet, and a sizeable chunk of the solar system.
Range of Alternatives
Alternative 1: Well, I guess we could just not turn it on.
Alternative 2: Instead of colliding the beams, we could cross them!
Alternative 3: Just Do It.
Environmental Impacts
Alternative 1, Don’t turn it on: Seems like a waste. It’s so pretty.
Alternative 2, Cross the beams: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Alternative 3, Nike: Might create a few Black Holes here and there. Eh, just little ones – very tame, is no worry.
The best part is that if the doom-sayers are wrong, science will be vindicated. If they’re right – we’ll never know, and they won’t get to gloat!