Big Ugly Man Doll

I’d like to take a moment of your time to discuss a brief gender gap. If you have multiple children of both genders, or if you teach kids under the age of, say, 18, you’re probably already aware of this difference between boys and girls. If you teach kids under the age of 8, you’re probably very, very aware.

SOBUMD has noticed and pointed out to me on any number of occasions that, on any given laundry day, she will see 5 pairs of underwear from the Human Tape Recorder, at least 7 from the Reigning Queen of Pink, and 1 from Number One Son. This solitary pair of boys underwear highlights the brief gap between genders – why won’t boys change their shorts more often?

In the interests of science, I’ve done some investigative research.

BUMD: Son, why don’t you change your shorts?
NOS: Heh heh heh. I don’t like to take them off because I’ve farted in them.
BUMD: So, the longer you wear them, the better they get?
NOS: Heh heh heh. Yessssssssssss!

So, one possible answer may lay in the marinade effect. Other reasons include an unwillingness to expose Johnny to the elements – it’s warm in there! – and simple fact that baths are icky when you’re nine, so why take one?

Youth plays a role. Most guys don’t pay much attention to the state of their underwear until that underwear stands a good chance of being noticed by non-family females. This would include the unlikely possibility of having sex with actual women, and the even more unlikely possibility of having sex with that same woman a second time. (Meaning on a different day, not just, you know, staying naked.) Boys with very clean underwear are hoping that someone will ask them to remove said briefs. Trust me on this; after a few beers “You should SEE how clean my shorts are” starts to sound like a decent opening line to most of us. (It’s not, by the way.)

So I understand the frustration, but I’m in no hurry for the Number One Son to be wanting to change his underwear twice daily. If you knowhuddimean.

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