The Hobbesian Horoscope, 8/10/12
Happy Friday – another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): This week, you will find yourself asking the immortal question: “What is he *doing* down there?” Try not to be in a hurry to find out. Trust me. You’ll know soon enough.
Taurus (The Bull): This will be a good week for heron watching. Keep looking out your window. No no, keep looking. Go on, you’ll see one. And elephants, too. Just keep looking. Your high-risk disease this week: Potato Virus Y.
Gemini (The Twins): This week will continue your travels, albeit in a more restricted sense of the word. You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack, selling seashells out of the back of an unmarked white van. Hey, a few clams here and there, it adds up.
Cancer (The Crab): As you face the lagoon on Tuesday, you’ll realize that everything you thought you knew about marine biology was waaaaaaaaay wrong. Try as you might to erase that view from your mind, you will go mad with the memory of those two fish with that osprey. Your high-risk disease this week: Sandfly Fever Virus.
Leo (The Lion): That unseasonable heat wave will break this week, finally, after shattering the previous record along with your plans for a garden. Don’t worry about it – your dreams will grow back. Your tomatoes, on the other hand, will need to be replanted.
Virgo (The Virgin): Consider buying a house down by the sea this week. On Monday, price them out. On Tuesday, drive 9 hours to the shore and visit one of the houses you’re interested in; realize the smell of salt water makes you ill. Wednesday, buy a pack of gum instead. Your high-risk disease this week: Leprosy.
Libra (The Scale): This week you will experience true desire for the first time in many years. Unfortunately, it will be a true desire to paint the outside of the house. Try very hard to resist this impulse; it ends badly.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This will be a good week for finishing projects and getting ready for your new life. Oh, wait, that’s next week. Never mind – this will be another good week for doing very little and just banging around. Despite your best efforts, you’ll be very, very busy. Your high-risk disease this week: Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.
Sagittarius (The Archer): What can I tell you, other than I don’t think it can get any worse than it already is. Take one day at a time, and quit reading horoscopes – they’ll all bullshit.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This is a good week for sunrises – unfortunately, you’re going to be awake to see most of them. Good luck getting any rest with that new pet – you never knew a goldfish could make that much noise in the morning, did you? Your high-risk disease this week: Maedi-Visna.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): Have you ever noticed how many of the star signs are tied to the ocean? Yeah, me either. You should stay away from large bodies of water this week; it’s a good week for drowning. You shouldn’t even put water in your Scotch this week. In fact, just stay indoors and don’t bathe.
Pisces (The Fish): Extendyour vacation this week, who knows? You might actually relax. Also, put the phone down for a change. Your high-risk disease this week: Guava Wilt.
Need the lottery to buy the home the sea and the smell of salt water will never make me sick!